Question:
I'm 51 years old, a mother of three, a grandmother of eight, a nurses aid, a residental aide, a dom. care provider and I have been married twice. I have herpes. I always had. I never passed it on too any of my love ones or any of the people I have taken care of. :D For this I feel blessed and am thankful. I was never troubled with having the herpes, until recently. This is my story. As a child I had occassional break outs of "cold sores" on my lip. Anywhere from one to two at a time. I don't know when or how I became infected with herpes, and at this time it really doesn't matter. They were never refered to as being anything other then a cold sore. They didn't have any drastic effect on my life, what -so-ever. My childhood was as normal as any other at that time. My veiw of the "cold sore" was that it was just an annoying little thing that ran its course and went away on it's own. As a teen, especailly when I became interested in the opposit sex, I veiwed the "cold sore" in the same way that I veiwed blemish out breaks. :oops: When I became an adult and started working with expecting teenage mothers, I learned what my little annoying "cold sore" really was. :shock: I became educated in all of it's family members and the other forms of STDs. This new knowledge didn't change my life, other then I became acutely aware that I could pass it on if I wasn't carefull. So, I became very aware of the tingling sensations that would come before the onset. I didn't pass out kisses to those that I loved and turned my cheek to those who wanted to kiss me. I didn't have sex for those time periods, and never had any problems develope between me and my husbands over it, nor did I ever have to explain why. I washed my hands frequently. I didn't use any kind of protection with my husbands. I didn't run into any "socail stigma", or was treated any differently by anyone when I had a "cold sore" then when I didn't. I have not passed it on to anyone. :) So you can see, having herpes wasn't a difficult thing to deal with. But, now I am having difficulty dealing with it. My live in boyfriend of eight years, who also has occassional out breaks with "cold sores", came home drunk at three in the morning. He woke me out of a sound sleep wanting sex. I turned him down, and reminded him of the "cold sore" on his lip and pointed out that since he could not stand up on his own, he was far to drunk. We went back and forth on how drunk he was for a few minutes ,before he passed out on the floor. :roll: After struggling with getting him up on the sofa, I went back to bed. Sometime later he came to and decided that I just needed to get in the mood and that he was capable of getting me there. With out any regaurds to me and my wishs or regaurds to the "cold sore" and how it could effect my life, he proceeded to help himself, orally. :x I woke up and pushed him off of me. But, it was too late. The damage was already done, and it only took a few seconds of his "Cold sore" against my gentile area. Two weeks later I had my first out break. When the painful area first appeared I saw a doctor, put I was not diagnosised with herpes at that time. Nor was I the second time. It wasn't until my third out break that a culture was done and I was corectly diagnosised. Up until then, I would occassionally have sex with my boyfriend, when I wasn't dealing with an out break. After going through the first onset of emotions, that comes with hearing " you have herpes" :cry: :x I ran into the "socail stigma" that is connected to all the forms of STDs. The office personal at the doctor's office lost their professionalism. I was no longer another human being. I was subject to looks of disgust, subject of their whispered conversations and was scorned, that upset me. :cry: :x I collected myself and went home to tell my boyfriend, feeling he should be checked,since we continued having sex . when I was misdiagnosised. His reaction was to just tell me that he didn't see me as "damaged goods". There was no comfort in these words for me, since he had already started telling everyone that we were just friends, and wasn't showing any concern for me in dealing with the herpes. Infact, he displayed the "oh well" attitude when it was very uncomfortable for me to wear anything and to sit. He even refused to pick up the meds for me. :x Also, his words let me know that others would most likely. Since I was already subjected to the office personal veiws of me after knowing my diagnosis, I have no doubt that I will run into more of the "socail stigma" then not. :cry: My boyfriend has not been checked out by a doctor and doesn't feel the need to. He hasn't yet shown any signs of having herpes, not even a "cold sore" in the year that has passed since I was diagnosised. Our relationship has changed. I moved out. He had become distant with me, only inner acting with me when he wanted to have sex. I have lost interest in having sex with him, infact I have lost interest in him completely. I have a lot of resentment towards him, that I keep in check when he stops in on his rare five minute visit, for fear of loosing control. :evil: It distrubs me that he has no remorse for infecting me in such a manner. Doesn't veiw that he disrespected me. Doesn't care how I am now affected by having herpes, or the possible undesirible effects herpes can have on my life and general health. It also disturbs me that I have found myself wishing that he was experiencing herpes in the same manner that I am, the emotions, the dicomfort, the "socail stigma" and all. Besides moving into a home of my own,and not using that doctors services again, there has been another change in my life that I trying to deal with. I am no longer as socailly active. I'm living a lonly, incomplete, unfullfilled life. I have my family, my friends and those I work with. None of them know that I have herpes. I keep my dirty little secret to myself. :oops: I miss having a partner, a companion to share dreams, troubles, and blessings with. I miss being held, feeling a mans affection, feeling desirible to some one specail and all the the things that being in love offers. :cry: However, I can't bring myself to start socailizing and dating. I don't want to be in the position of having to tell some one that I greatly care for that I have herpes simplex that effects the gentile area :oops: and be rejected, scorned, or hear those two words again. Damaged goods. :cry: There is no support group in my area or in any area close enough for me to attend. So the only socailizing I feel safe in, is on the internet in sites for those who have herpes. Yet, it is not enough to remove my loniness. Am I the only one feeling this way?

Answer:
Hi Timelessneed,

I'm only 36, you may feel that a greenhorn is babbling :D , but.. please listen.

I understand your anger toward the boyfriend. He ruined your effort of being careful and not passing on the coldsore for many many years. And he started telling people that you guys were just friends. Excuse my language, but he acted like a stupid. But, if your relationship has changed because of this "small" matter, the relationship would change and end sooner or later with some other trifle reasons. You just have to let go of the anger toward him, otherwise there is no room in your mind for happy thoughts to come in. It's hard. It may take a while. But you just have to.

People grow into adult in different ways. Some are still mentally immature. You can't tell when everything's going smooth and with no problem. But when a problem a person has never dealt with occurs, that's the time you can see the person's maturity. Now you see his "real age", and in what way he's been caring about you. I'm sorry, this entire thing must hurt you badly, but I think it's always better to know the truth.

Not everyone feels the same way about STD and genital herpes. As a matter of fact, soooo many people out there appreciate you and love you for who you are. To you, sounds like I'm just saying this, right? But no.... I'm not just saying this. This is the truth I found out after I got HSV and dealt with many thing that came with the fact I have HSV. Watch, you're gonna see wonderful side of people, once you step forward and start socializing yourself again. :-)

I felt close to you, just because you are the same age as the man I was crazy about ( well, as pathetic as I may sound, I still am :-D haha). We took a break from us for different reason than herpes, but.. he didn't change after I told him that I had genital herpes. He still appreciated me for who I was. As a matter of fact, he told me that I looked more beautiful than ever, when I told him I had HSV. He appreciated my honestly, and integrity.
Genital herpes doesn't change your personality at all. You are still you!!! I know 51 years old is very young and attractive (otherwise how come I am still attracted to the guy this much? :D), I bet you're gonna find someone who truly love you and care for you.
Just be "you". That's all.

Besides, look what you have! You have kids and grandkids!! You have great thing in your life! You've gotta see how beautiful that is, and appreciate what you have. Don't focus on what you don't have. Everyone has different things in her/his life. I can't even have a kid, for a health reason. So when I found out that I had HSV, I thought my life was ending. LOL But of course, it didn't. Now I'm very happy with what I have, and I appreciate it more, and now I can see the beauty of life. I couldn't've seen life in this way, if I didn't have any problem that I had to face. I would be still blaming about tiny things everyday.

Talk, and discuss, and let it all out, in support forums like this. That's what internet forums are for. We all are real people. These are real people's voices. You'll find so many different view point from people and that'll help you to see yourself objectively. Believe me. I've been learning so much just to read other people's posts. You'll see, there are soooo many great people out there.

Please hang in. Changes in life give you lot of stress and fear. But changes can bring you a better, and happier life. It's up to you.

Best wishes..

Faith

Answer:
No, you are not alone. Although it will feel that way.
Keep hanging out here with us - we can use your support too! (right Faith? :D )

Answer:
Yup.. :D

I even log in sometimes just to see Lasmom's joke and laugh.. LOL...
( I can't help it, most of times I'm working at the computer. The fun world that I can escape from work is only 2 clicks away :lol: hehe.. )

We are the people who have the same thing as yours "herpes", and the people who somehow relate to it/us strongly and offer their help. We all know your pain. As you read and write here more, you'll feel how normal you are. <smile>

You'll find interesting posts that make you smile, cry together, surprised, get energy and hope .... And wait for the next Lasmom's news... I bet you'll be addicted to coming here just like I am.. :D

The bottom line is... there's nothing you should worry about..

Faith

Answer:
C'mon Faith - it can't be just me you're here for!!!

Anyway - about that dating site - talking to another doctor - kindof makes you wonder..... what came first? PHD or HSV? I'm telling you, Oprah will LOVE this.

Answer:
LOL....

What's the difference? They both are 3 capital letters.... :D :D

Faith

P.S. See? What am I doing??? I can't worrrrrk!! <-- blaming you LOL ( I appreciate you as much! :wink: )

Answer:
With all of the messages I am reading, and all of the very same up and down emotions that I have too, wouldn't it just be nice to erradicate this virus? Or......I'm willing to maintain this virus if it can only been left dormant in the ganglia somehow, never to reemerge. It's the shedding part that disturbs me. Why don't mono victims get mono repeatedly or chicken pox repeatedly???? Very same family.
One day, one day there will be a cure. It will happen when they cure the AIDS virus. Then, you will see a trickle of other virus's cured as well, including one for the common cold. 10 years, 15 years, 100 years? Who knows. I am 44 years old and I am resolved to live with this only until I die, probably from cancer or an auto accident. Not herpes.

Answer:
One day, one day there will be a cure. Yuppp.... :D

So.. until the day comes, let's take advantage of the great side of having this disease!
Sooooo many people just live till they die not knowing what life's all about, not knowing who they are. Soooo many people just live till they die, believing there is true love in someone's (just a) sweet talk, image, jewelry, materials,...

I didn't wanna be one of them anyway...
We are lucky to have the great opportunity to see solid truth.
Only people who face a lifetime problem (just like herpes), get this precious opportunity!


Faith

Answer:
Thanks for the support, ladies :D . I'm still stumbling around a bit, still feeling unsure of myself, but trying to make an effort to keep my head about me. I finally told my ex, who still pops in once in a while for a two to five minute visit, just how I felt. That a lone helped me feel better. However, I don't think anything I said sunk in, he still pops in every once in a while for his usual two to five minute visit, hoping for a little tail. But it's not happening. I've join a few Herpes Dating Sites thinking it would be much simplier to date some one in the same circle as I. I thought there would be less chance of rejection and I wouldn't have to stress over telling some one that I grew fond of that I had a flaw. I filled out the profiles and waited. There was a few responses that trickled in. Most of them wanted to see a picture. So I posted a picture, the only one I have, as I am usually the one behind the camera. Suddenly, that picture is a thorn in my side. I got a lot of responses after it was posted. Most of the men that responded after the picture was posted had nothing in common with me. I didn't fit anything that they had stated in thier profiles that they were looking for. None of them were interested in me as a person. Having sex with the woman in the picture was the main interest. If all I want is sex, I'd stay with the X. :x So this damage goods went to another dating site, a non herpes site. Filled out the profile and didn't add a picture. A few responses trickled in, and one stood out from all the others. It wasn't until we had moved from corespondencing at the site to instant messages and got to the talk of meeting, that I sent him my picture.
I knew I had to tell him about my herpes, and thought maybe I should tell him before he made the long trip here. I just didn't know how to go about it and was having difficulty in just coming out with it. Well, he helped by sharing a difficult time of his life and after hearing it, it became easier for me to spill my guts. Guess what ladies, you were right. He doesn't think I'm damaged goods. He doesn't care that I have herpes. He's coming up for a visit to meet me and my family this coming weekend. :D