Question:
Well, I am a 24 year old woman who has been recently diagnosed with Herpes (1). A few years ago, I decided to practice abstinence. And I managed to successfully follow this path for the last 3 ½ years with no problem at all in perfect health. I recently moved in with a guy that I just started seeing. In May, we started having sex, unprotected. We talked about STD’s and he insisted that he had nothing. To my own knowledge, I have been perfectly healthy until now.

On June 14th my vagina felt a bit irritated, I though it was just soreness from being oversexed. My partner and I had sex like 5 times a day. Then I saw sores, lesions, and the irritation grew worse and I began to panic. I could not get an immediate appointment with my Gyn so I went to a STD Clinic, which are free in NYC and you get immediate care. When the Doctor looked at my vagina she immediately said, “You Have Herpes.” She took swabs, cultures, etc. I was in a bit of denial, I think to an extent I still am. She also gave me a 10-day supply of Acyclovir. I immediately thought, “Oh My Fucking God, I hope I didn’t give whatever I had to “My Partner”” I had to go to work that day, I didn’t show up, I did not even call. I went home and I told him and he started acting weird (I thought, fuck he thinks I am whore) He was concerned and insisted that we both should get checked out, since I had no official lab confirmed results I agreed and thought maybe that doctor was WRONG. My lymph nodes in the groin area were swollen. I had painful sores, lesions and bumps on my vulva. I had a fever and I felt fatigued and I was convinced that the doctor was wrong. I still took the acyclovir, just in case. I also had a full STD screening/HIV test while I was there. These all came back negative, except for 1. This was on a Wednesday. The next few days, I still did not go to work. My partner was very supportive. He rubbed my back, helped my take a shower. I could not urinate without taking a shower because it hurt so much. I could not eat and to be completely honest, I used a bit of marijuana to help with the pain. I needed that badly.

Even though the virus affects this one area on my body, I felt absolutely crippled. I think perhaps a lot of it was mental as well. Well, the worst came on the Friday when my partner told me, at 1 pm, that his last girlfriend, who he also had unprotected sex with, had Herpes. He knew she had Herpes (she told him) and he still had unprotected sex with her (and had not been checked out after her in May) and He never though this was important information to share with me until now (then). He said, “I never had sex with her when she had an outbreak.” Hadn’t he seen a Valtrex commercial? I freaked out, no that is an understatement, I went crazy. I attacked him, literally, jumped on him and started punching him and kicking him and ran to the kitchen pulled a knife and I tried to stab him. I really did. Then I tried to kill myself, I wanted to die. For the first time in my life, I actually put a blade to my wrists and pressed down hard till I saw blood and the my partner ran over and took it away from me. I screamed, and hollered for hours. A neighbor came up and my partner called my sister over. I was screaming because I was dying inside. By far, that was probably one of the worse moments in my life. I was convinced that I did not have Herpes because I knew I did not have it and my partner did not, until now. I knew at that I had Herpes and he gave it to me (even though I still have no proof). I cried constantly for the next days. I cried for minutes on end. Every hour I was crying. My partner laid down with me and held me when I cried. He cried too at times. On Sunday, he told me he was sorry and that he would spend his entire life trying to make this up to me. I felt disgusted. We are still together. This entire thing lasted about 3 weeks and then I felt somewhat better. Not really. Just in a bit of denial again.

He went to the clinic and he has not had any signs or symptoms of the virus. His samples were negative for Herpes. He has not had a blood test yet…so the saga continues. We are still unsure of how to proceed as far as his status is concerned.

I could have had Herpes for the last 4 years and not know it. I don’t believe that, but how else could I have gotten it. Why has my partner not have any signs, symptoms or an outbreak? Why? He had to be the one who gave it to me.

This past week, I went to the clinic for the results from my samples/cultures. They were ready in June, but I was not ready to face it until now. I think I am at the “Acceptance” stage. The doctor told me that my test came back positive for Herpes Simplex Virus Type 1, that’s me! I was like; “Okay” and I wrote it down.

I knew about Herpes, I used to be a sex-ed councilor in High School for Pete’s sake. I knew better, these sort of things aren’t supposed to happen to people like me. I am smart, attractive, educated and have so much going for me. Who is going to want me now? I am damaged goods. I have no children, but one day I may want some. What the fuck am I going to do? What will I do when I am 85 and I get an outbreak? This is not the kind of life that I want. I am absolutely devastated. I wish I could trade in my body for a healthy model. I whish I could go back in time and change things. I think people with Herpes are disgusting whores. My doctor says, put this in perspective, “this is not the end of the world, think of it like this, you just have a cold sore on your bottom.” I am constantly paranoid and my vagina has not felt the same way since. When will my next outbreak strike? Right now, I am not on any sort of therapy.

I still have unprotected sex with my partner and a part of me resents him, but I honeslty feel, who else will want me now? I hate myself for this.

I cannot tell my parents, I would be so ashamed if they found out.:sad:

**Sorry it is long; I have a lot to say.

I am dealing with it.

I have Herpes.

--D

Answer:
break up with him........he was careless, irresponsible with his own health and now yours. He is an ass and it sounds like he may have known there was a chance he could have got it, but denied that to himself saying "well, I havent ever had any symptoms so Im not going to tested, im sure im fine" all the while knowing he might have it. Over 50% of all people who have it genitally have no visible symptoms ever.........they are assymptomaitc carriers and shed the virus at times they are not aware of. Honestly, a ton of people who have it without symptoms have no clue truly and have no idea how they might have been exposed, however, your guy KNEW he had unprotected sex with his ex WHO HAD HERPES and so he knew he put himself at risk and now you as a result of not taking responsiblity for himself and getting checked out. Most cases of herpes are spread when NO active symptoms are present on the person who has it so theres a huge wake up call for him. I am so sorry this happened to you but I think you'll be surprised to find that 80% of people who have herpes are not in fact "dirty whores" as you wrote above............they are people JUST LIKE YOU who got unlucky. The people on this message board for example are all in situations very similar to yours and feel they were the innocent victims as well, the people who this shouldn't have happened to..........but guess what? It did and none of us deserved it. I am 24 now and got this when I was 22 while in a monogamous relationship for almost 3 years when I randomly got symptoms of a rash down below and had no clue what it was.......I was deathly ill for a full week, full fever, swollen lymphs, horrible experience, felt like I was dying. No blisters, lesions.....just a painful light red rash all over my vagina and butt crack. My partner had NEVER had a symptom and we had had sex for 3 years daily up to that point and he never had a thing. He'd only had 2 other girlfriends........both long term before me and neither of them had ever had any symptoms or reason to think they had it and to this day have no got symptoms. Turns out he did have it and had no clue he had it and gave it to me when he had NO symptoms. I felt like you did, and sometimes still feel that way. Like it was so fucking unfair, why me, I was a good person, kind, caring, smart, attractive, 22 for godsake!! my whole life just beginning, had 2 boyfriends....both long term (one for 3 1/2 years and then my current one who I got this from) life seemed so unfair but as the time has went on I have seeked alternative medicine and homeopathy to help me with this and only in the past 2 months have I had luck with anything. I take a homeopathic remedy for my depression and anxiety about having this and it is the only thing that has made me not want to die. I have had this light red rash on my pubic hair region for almost 2 full years, my doctors are baffled, but it is definitely herpes......just manifesting itself in a slightly different way and my immune system is so compromised after getting the virus so now I have been taking immune builders fr 3 months almost, taking my remedy to help with the mental, and just trying to go on. I finally can say I have accepted having this but it took the past 2 miserable, depressing years of existence to finally be at my whits end where I wanted to die a few months ago in all truth and I am so thankful that I found naturopathy and a good practitioner who is the only doctor who has ever given me any help, compassion, and hope in regards to my neve ending condition. So dont give up hope, easier said than done. But i was just like you and every feeling you are feeling EVERYONE on this board, and anyone who has ever been diagnosed has felt exactly the same so you are not alone. The thing to remember also, is that while it is unfair this happened to you, its unfair to all of us in similar situations. The stigma about herpes is what has perpetuated the shame, guilt, and horrow people who have this go through because the picture of herpes is "only whores get it, dirty people who sleep around" and that simply IS NOT TRUE!!! More non promiscuous people end up with it and people need to get educated about it. Its a sad reality but its true. Theres people on here who are much younger than you and I and got this the FIRST time they had sex of any kind.....or have never had vaginal sex yet and have gotten it the first time they had oral sex. Theres so many people on here alone, nevermind out in the world who got it the same way as me and you, in monogamous relationships with people who truly had no symptoms, or did not know so dont feel alone.

Answer:
I didn't mean to offend anyone with the dirty whore comment. I feel like a dirty whore, mostly dirty. I had unprotected sex, it could have been avoided. I should know better and I primarily blame myself for this. Please do not take offense to my rants.

I am coping and I do thank you for your response.

My partner went to the STD clinic and was screened( combination of exams, samples, blood test), they told him he was negative for Herpes, (no blood test for Herpes at clinic). I believe that a blood test would be the best way to determine if he has the virus, which I believe he does.

To be completely honest, I know I should break up with him, but I am afraid. I know it sounds pathetic, but this is still all very new to me.:(

Answer:
i am sure every single one of here things :coulda, woulda, shoulda.......so be it; we can think that all we want, it is not going to change anything. I have beat myself up over this, as it sounds like you are doing. All we can do is accept and move on and most importanly, take are of our bodies and minds.

Answer:
To DanaS,

You did not offend me because I can understand how you are feeling. I felt dirt as well. Don't feel pathetic about trying to break up with your boyfriend, but I do feel that it is something that you need to do. My situation is sort of similar to yours. It took me a while to break up with my boyfriend. He was and still is in total denial. I truly believe that he was aware that he had been exposed to this virus, but because of his denial, he acted as if it was not big deal. I do not have proof of this because some people say maybe he did not know, but for some strange reason, I really believe that he was aware of something and I will stand by what I believe. When I told him about it, he initially said that he did not have anything because he did not have symptoms. Once I told him that you could have it and not have symptoms, he still said he did not have it. I told him to get a blood test and he said that he had gotten one, but when I asked him about the type of test he had taken, he couldn't even tell me. At first he said a culture, then he said a blood test, but he told me that he did not have symptoms, so I immediately knew that he couldn't have gotten a culture because there were no bumps, sores, or lesions to culture. Later he told me that he had gotten bloodworm done, but when I told him about getting tested, he did not say to me that he had gotten it done already, he said that he would get tested when he makes an appointment. He kept telling me that he had to go to his doctor, but I told him that it would be better if he went to a STD facility, but he told me that he was going to one of those. He was being such an ass about it and that is when I decided that I could no longer be someone who was a liar and a deceitful individual. It has been so hard for me because of how I contracted it. I have always been proactive regarding being tested for STD's and my health and to contract it this way when someone could not even be honest with me is very heartbreaking. To this day, he has not gotten tested and I honestly believe that he is not going to get tested. He is probably going to move on to the next female and have sex with her and she is going to develop the same symptoms and he is going to tell her the same thing that he has told me. I am sorry that it was so long, but I felt that you needed to hear my situation. Please try and stay as positive as possible!:)

Answer:
Anyone mind if I play devil's advocate here? Dana, I've read your post 3 times, and it sounds to me that, although your boyfriend knew he had been with someone who had herpes, he believed that since he had no symptoms, he couldn't have it. That's ignorance, not negligence. There's a difference.
It's unfortunate that so many people believe that fallacy, but it's rampant among people uneducated in the facts of STD's, which in part, explains the rapid spread of herpes.

It sounds to me as if he cares about you and he's trying to make things right to the extent that he can. The damage is done and he can't take it back, and maybe you can't forgive him, but if you're going to kick him to the curb, do it for the right reasons. You don't punish someone for being ignorant, you educate them.

Before you go off the deep end, give yourself a chance to calm down and think things through rationally. Trust me, this manic state will pass, and you'll be better equipped emotionally to deal with making important decisions. For now, concentrate on taking care of yourself and trying to re-establish your emotional equilibrium. It gets easier. I promise.

Answer:
Good point Writercll. When I think about my ex-boyfriend, it wasn't the mis-education that helped me to realize that he wasn't worth it; it was the continuous mis-education and the lack of wanting to accept this virus. He had no intentions on getting tested and he will move on to someone else and give it to them. I just do not see how someone can be in that much denial after all the facts have been laid out before them. So, in Dana's case, she should take time to think about this and not make any irrational decisions, but if her boyfriend is anything like mind was, then she should let it go.

Answer:
It sounds to me that this outbreak you had is your first and primary outbreak. You can even have a bloodtest to show whether or not your have antibodies in your system. If you do not, then you have 100% proof right there he gave it to you. And if he DOES have it in his system...(antibodies) well, then you have your answer. B

Many will tell you on here...oh, you could have had this for years and just NOW had symptoms, blah blah blah. You know what, I call bullshit on this train of thought. Sometimes, one plus one really does equal two. I think asymptomatic people are the rarity and NOT the norm. I am not saying this doesn't exist (being asymptomatic) but I DO believe there are alot of folks out there living in denial about what is going on with their genitals and it takes something like a severe outbreak or an outbreak in their sexual partners to wake them up out of their stupor.

But I digress....

I would be 99.9% certain this guy gave your herpes. When you two had your little "sex talk" he should have mentioned that he had unprotected sex with a person who was hsv positive. The fact he didn't makes me think that MAYBE he had some concerns about his own status.

in his defense, maybe he felt, well, hey , I don't have symptoms, so I am STD FREE!! WHOO WHOO!!! That would then be supreme IGNORANCE on his part and he better get his ass some books to read.

Also, not to add fuel to the fire, but I would say have some HIV testing done as well. I am sure you are fine, but it can't hurt.

Please do not hurt yourself anymore. ALthough I know initially you were infuriated with him (can't fault ya for beating his ass...hell, I would have...hell, I DID when I find out....I can't even lie!) But HE nor HERPES are worth your own beautiful life. I know it is SO hard right now, and I know the bevy of emotions coursing through you right now, but please, you will be ok. You are not bad nor dirty nor a whore. I know you were just venting about that and take no offense to it. Time will help you heal and work through this. Please take care of yourself by eating well, taking some lovely vitamins, and staying strong mentally and physically.

I don't know what to tell you about him....go with yoru gut instinct...if you feel he truly made a dumb ass mistake, and didn't know he had this, perhaps you can work things out with him. If he seems truly sad and contrite, then maybe he really didn't know.

If you feel that he was being sneaky and maliciously gave you herpes via not disclosing, then kick his ass to the curb and don't look back. But definitely go with your gut instinct and use your best judgement.

I wish you the very best, and know we are all hear to lend an "ear" (or eyes!) should you need us!!!!!

Answer:
Thanks guys for your thoughts and consideration.

I am not going to kill myself, it was just in that manic state I felt the urge to do so.

I have a strong feeling that I got it from him. I have no proof and I don't know if its too late to test for anti-bodies. I believe he did not know that you could contract the virus when an outbreak is not occuring, but that is what pisses me off the most. How could you not know that? I thought everyone knew that. I trusted this person with my life. I am paying for his ignorance.

I have been very careful until now about these sort of things. I am not as educated on the virus as I would like to be and I know I have to change my life. My bf waited until 4 days into my outbreak to inform me of his ex. I sort of resent him a great deal for this. It complicated but I still care about him too.

bluefrog,
I am beating myself up a great deal and I am trying to fully accept it, this is how my life will be from now on.

ouch,
It did feel really good to hit him. I did have an HIV test at the same time, It was negative.

You all made really good points that allowed me to view my entire ordeal differently and made me think about other factors as well. I am truly glad that I came across the web site. Thank you for your fedback.