Question:
First Id like to say great forum and from most of the posts I have read it seems that the majority of posters are mature and knowledgeable, very cool.

Onto the fun. I am in my 30's, have had a number of long term monogamous relationships, a few hiv tests and 1 herp test years ago (I was together with my last ex whom I have known my whole life for 5 years, so these tests were done before her). Anyway, all negatives and to date I have never had symptoms of any STD's.

About a month ago I met a woman, mid 30's and we hit it off pretty good. First date she invites me back to her place, who am I to say no. Clothes stayed on, but obvious she wanted them off (not a brag). Reason I bring this up is becauseto me that is a red flag of a promiscuous woman (no offense to anybody).

Third date no clothes and condemns. See I am smart like that because naturally any STD can be prevented with lots of latex, duh. She wanted me to lose the rubber but I stayed firm (no pun intended). The night consisted of protected intercourse and unprotected oral (both ways).

After another couple of dates, just oral and no intercourse, I suggested we get tested together for peace of mind. She wasnt that enthused, saying "why dont I get tested on my own and tell you the results". Well that wasnt going to fly and basically told her it was a deal breaker. She reluctantly agreed, though still stresses about it.

So since I am soooo responsonsobile (obv sarcasm) I looked up testing centers. In doing so I started to read about a fascinating little thing called herpes. Now mind you my prime concern was HIV, so reading about herp really kind of blind sided me. I did not know you can catch it by skin to skin (humping) or orally when no OB are visible. So congrats herpes, you just overtook HIV as my number one STD paranoia.

So here are my questions, some subjective?

1. In your experience, would somebody with herp tell their partner after a month as things are becoming serious?
2. Probabilities (ballpark) of contracting it by skin to skin, and oral sex?
3.Is it normal to assume your probable promiscuous partner has it?
4. Searching for diff types of tests this company http://www.requestatest.com/pricing.aspx#packages says they have one that can detect herpes 1&2 in only a 5-20 day window (95%) after possible contraction. Do you know the test I talk of?
5. If she wants a long term relationship, why is she so hesitant to do the test together?
6. Am I a paranoid freak?
7. Reason I ask this now is I have to wait (due to conflicting schedules) a week and a half to do this, and obviously the anxiety is building.

Your responses would be apprecated, ty.

Answer:
Oh Yeah, forgot. I have not asked her str8 out if she has had any STD. WHat would you suggest is the most tactful way to get an honest answer?

Answer:
1. In your experience, would somebody with herp tell their partner after a month as things are becoming serious?

Well, a *responsible* partner would mention it before things ever got to skin-to-skin physical. However, there are definitely some people who are so ashamed, and so caught up in their shame, that they forget they are putting others at risk by not telling. Then there are those that don't care.

2. Probabilities (ballpark) of contracting it by skin to skin, and oral sex?

I've not seen data on estimates of contracting it through oral sex. If a couple avoids sex during OBs, a man has about a 4% chance contracting it from a HSV positive woman over the course of a year.

3.Is it normal to assume your probable promiscuous partner has it?

Maybe she's not promiscuous and you are just that irresistable:p

An increased number of partners definitely increases her risk of having it, but in defense of many of the HSV+ people out there, many people have caught it from their first partner, and there are some people who catch it while trying to stay "technically" a virgin (oral sex, etc).

4. Searching for diff types of tests this company http://www.requestatest.com/pricing.aspx#packages says they have one that can detect herpes 1&2 in only a 5-20 day window (95%) after possible contraction. Do you know the test I talk of?

I would not recommend getting an IgM test. They add supportive evidence to determine if you are having a "primary" episode, but since you have tested negative in the past, if you get herpes one would assume that you are newly infected anyway. The IgM test is extremely unreliable for diagnositic purposes. It's better to wait and get one of the IgG type tests.

5. If she wants a long term relationship, why is she so hesitant to do the test together?

Good question. Maybe she feels like you don't trust her? It does seem odd to me, but people have a lot of mixed feelings about sexuality, so who knows. In this day and age I would be glad to find out that *you* as the male don't have anything, cause almost all the STDs can have much more severe consequences for women.

6. Am I a paranoid freak?

I would want to know about the status of a new partner, and I would wonder why they were reluctant...

Good luck with the testing, and hopefully she doesn't have anything and is just weird about it.

Answer:
Thanks for the reply. A few more questions if you dont mind.

1. How do I know what an actual outbreak looks like?
Meaning she had a what looked like a pimple b/w her nose and upper lip. She also said that "down there" was a little irritated from a wax she just had, she said"kinda looks like when you get chapped lips". FWIW, by candlelight I could not see anything nor feel anything with my finger or lip (excuse the graphics) .

2. Also the best way to ask her if she has it?

TX