Question:
About a month ago I had sex for the first time with my boyfriend. I was a virgin and in love so I wanted to give myself to my boyfriend. That's how I always wanted it to be. He was my first everything! Everything was great until five days into it I woke up and had many bumps with pus on my vagina.I didn't know what to think--I thought maybe its the friction from the sexual contact or maybe iI am allergic to the condoms.

So I waited two days but nothing changed..it just felt worse and it hurt to walk and I didn't want to go to the bathroom because it burned too bad. I just new it wasn't good. But I believed whatever it was it would be curable. I went to the doctor and she just looked and told me it was herpes. I asked her if it was possible it could be something else, I begged her to test the culture, and prayed it was something curable. But deep down I knew it probably was herpes. The Dr. just told me she would test it and handed me a booklet about living with the virus. Anyway I find out that I have HSV-1.

I just felt like a died a million times!! Then I thought I might as well be dead than to live with this. I tried to stand up and I felt like I was going to pass out I told my boyfriend and he was as shocked as me because he said he never had any symptoms. I believe him because I know that he wouldn't have intentionally done this. But it doesn't change how I feel about myself at times.

I felt so dirty and betrayed because I never trusted ANYONE! I gave my heart and body and I got BURNED so bad. I waited so long to do anything sexual and my first time I got herpes :( Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me for having sex before marriage. The idea of sex felt great before having herpes and now its tainted because I feel like a walking disease.

I just feel so alone at times because I can't talk to anyone about it (except my boyfriend and the relative who took me to the doctor.) I hate feeling dirty and keeping it a secret from my parents (but there is no way I can ever let them know) I feel so dumb for allowing this to happen to me. Especially beacuse I always stressed to my friends to get tested and not to trust anyone. I let my guard down and now Im going through hell.

Im trying to forgive myself but its sooo hard. Sometimes I wonder if I will ever be able to forgive myself. I feel stupid, but it's almost easier for me to forgive my boyfriend than MYSELF! I know Im still the same person I was, but its hard for me to accept. I feel like Im living a dream that I will soon awake from :(

Im still with my boyfriend and I love him still. He tells me he loves me. I know if he knew he had it and told me I probably still would have been with him sexually anyway because I love him. I just wish he would've known so then I could of felt like I had a CHOICE.

There are times where I just feel unloveable or undeserving of love because I have this. But I just feel so confused about love and life. As much as I know everyone needs love I can't help but think maybe God is telling me Im not supposed to have it in my life and am supposed to be alone:( In my heart I know I deserve love..even if Im trying to push it out of my life.

Answer:
wow i feel the exact same way you do its unbelieveable...except im only 17 i dont know how old you are...i just feel in such pain and regret and why did god do this to me...i guess i will never know...i just wish i could take everything back..no one is going to want me after this...i sure as hell wouldnt want to be involved with someone who had this much of a painful disease,...my partner told me he never had any symptoms which i partly believe..but it still doesnt change the face that im ruined. forever.. i just need support u know.

Answer:
phoenix and stephanie99,

I just wanted to let you know that neither of you have been singled out to be punished and what happened really sucks but things will get better with time.

I think the worst phone call of my life was the one with that diagnosis. Immediately I wanted to throw up and had horrible thoughts about the future and how I would make it.

It helps me to know that I am not the only one with this virus. It helps me to know that it didn't pick me but that it is equal opportunity. I am still the great person I was before this virus found me and nothing can change that. It doesn't mean I am cursed. It doesn't mean I am dirty and it certainly isn't going to ruin my life. This is true for you as well.

Initially the pain and the symptoms are a daily reminder of what we think the future will be but the reality is that the ob's will usually slow down and for some go away altogether. They do not continue every day for the rest of our lives. There are tricks to easing the discomfort and ways to prevent them. This forum is full of stories of how others have dealt with this and how they have moved on.

You can have rich full lives, exciting careers, families and lots of happiness.

Answer:
Indeed... life goes on! It's certainly not punishment, it's just unfortunate that you were one of the 2 out of 3 people who contract it from someone who does not know that he or she has the virus. So you're definitely not alone.

And of course love should be in your life! And no matter what else you read...so should great sex!

Answer:
Phoenix and Stephanie,

It sucks, it does. BUT the good news is that even though you don't believe it now things do get better. Everyone makes mistakes, and bad things happen to good people.

You are going to be far more judgemental of yourself than anyone else right now. Take care of yourselves and remember there is absolutely nothing wrong, dirty, or bad about you just because you now have herpes.

Answer:
hi,
you dont know me but everything you said i feel the same way. i just found out a month ago that i have this disease. and it feels like a curse to me. i keep wondering how do i live life with out love. will i ever know love because whose going to want me when i have something like this. the man im seeing is being supportive. we had a bit of a rocky patch when his results came back negative. but other than that he's staying by my side. i have a hard time believing him because i dont want to be a burden or an obligation to him. im confused. and i also feel so dirty. like he is clean and im dirty and i dont deserve to be touched. i know its wrong to feel that way but i do. he keeps telling me im still the same, but how can we be together when i could mess up his life by potentially giving him something dangerous. i hope that through this i can find comfort. comfort from people who are dealing with the same thoughts and feelings that i am.

Answer:
hi,
you dont know me but everything you said i feel the same way. i just found out a month ago that i have this disease. and it feels like a curse to me. i keep wondering how do i live life with out love. will i ever know love because whose going to want me when i have something like this. the man im seeing is being supportive. we had a bit of a rocky patch when his results came back negative. but other than that he's staying by my side. i have a hard time believing him because i dont want to be a burden or an obligation to him. im confused. and i also feel so dirty. like he is clean and im dirty and i dont deserve to be touched. i know its wrong to feel that way but i do. he keeps telling me im still the same, but how can we be together when i could mess up his life by potentially giving him something dangerous. i hope that through this i can find comfort. comfort from people who are dealing with the same thoughts and feelings that i am. It speaks volumes that he still wants to be with you, even though his results were negative. The biggest threat you pose by having H is not a physical danger (generally speaking) but the mental stuff that goes along with finding out you have H.

When I first found out I couldn't even look into the mirror without thinking about how nobody would ever want to be with me. Actually, it's surprising how many people are still interested after hearing someone has H.

You are not a different person. You still look the same, you still care about the same man, have the same childhood memories, and are still interested by the same things you were before. You're just that person with herpes.

There's nothing "wrong" about how you're feeling; most of us have been through that (or are still going through that) since we found out we have the virus. What's really important is seeing yourself as more than just someone with HERPES. There will always be much more to you than that.

It's good you found this place, I speak from experience when I say the support and information I found on this board really helped me.