Question:
Today I experienced not 1, not 2, but 3 different cases where herpes talk occurred all in a negative fashion while those making the comments had no idea that I am infected. The weight of the day led me to register and post on the forum for the first time. Sorry for the long "book"...

1. At lunch with friends today - one of my single friends discussed how he was dating a girl and thought she might have genital herpes because she was very physically distant and made some weird comment once. He said she was very hot and had a lot going for her so he considered the risk. He decided it wasn't worth the risk. Meanwhile my other very good friend butts in and says "There is absolutely no one worth taking the risk of herpes for. No one." Obviously they don't know I have it. This friend was one of my best friends and I was crushed by hearing his words. I wanted to say "So your saying I'm not worth it and I'll be single the rest of my life???!" that is what I was thinking.

2. One hour later I'm back in the office and a collegue is talking about his kids having either hand, foot, and mouth disease or oral herpes. He was concerned and didn't want them to have oral herpes. I said, "but its only a cold sore? isn't that what your talking about?" but he said "yes, but it lasts their entire lifetime, I don't want them to have that." I said, "its pretty common though." He asked if I had it, "I said yes, I had cold sores when I was kid but haven't since". He jokes and says "So you have herpes! I will have to warn all the ladies to stay away from you! ha!" Great, I thought, just what i needed to hear after my lunch experience. I was very down at this point and then...

3. Then later that night I was on the phone with my sister and I was talking about a first date I had the night before. She asked if I had kissed her, I said actually no I didn't she had a cold sore on her lip. So she says "oh!! does she have the "h"?" I said "what do you mean the "h"?" She says "You know that bad thing that starts with the letter "h". I said, "you mean herpes? You don't want to say the word herpes because your children are in the room?" She said "Yes, your niece is right here next to me listening, I can't say that word. You need to be careful, because maybe if she has it on her mouth she has it down below."

Unbelievable. This was the most crushing day since the day I got the lab result indicating I had HSV2 about 1.5 years ago. Today, I came home from work and shed the tears I held at work.

I contracted the disease during a break-up or shortly after getting back with the previous girlfriend. It came from either a female police officer I dated during that break up period who I asked if it was safe to not use the condom. (I figured a cop must be trustworthy!) Or I contracted it when I got back with the break-up girlfriend. The girlfriend didn't care when it showed up on me and did not think it was anything consequential. She showed no signs and didn't understand. Meanwhile I was devastated and experienced 6 outbreaks in the first 5 months. I had to get on daily valtrex to get it under control. It doesn't matter but I'm pretty sure it was the cop -- I casually told her I was experiencing some weird sensation on my penis a few days after sex, but I honestly didn't think it was any big deal. She never spoke to me again and cut off all contact. Not a good sign.


I broke up with that girlfriend a few months ago and now I am single for the first time with HSV and struggling with prospects and confidence of finding a healthy relationship and partner that will be accepting. I have been going on a lot of casual first dates to build some confidence. Today, that confidence was completely crushed by the comments from all the people who I know are educated and who's opinions I have valued on any other topics.

If these educated people who are my peers despise or ridicule the thought of herpes, how can I find a mate in the small sea of singles my age who will accept it?

How do you overcome the gut wrench of herpes bashing from friends while maintaining a "poker face" of ignorance or pretending to laugh with them?

the only people I have told our my best friend and my counselor. The little confidence I had was mostly built by my counselor who has tried to convince me that it can be accepted. Now I'm skeptical again...

Answer:
You sound like a really nice person, and I'm sorry you had such a crappy day. It boggles my mind that anyone, especially so-called 'educated' people, can be so completely insensitive to their fellow man and truly ignorant of something so common as herpes.

The expression "There but for the grace of God... " comes to mind. The truth is, the chances are good that more than one of these self-proclaimed 'better than that' people who make the snide remarks today, will one day be humbled by the very things they ridicule. What goes around, comes around. So true, but I suppose right now that offers you little comfort.

I don't know what I can say to you to make you feel better. Words are sometimes the cruelest weapons in our arsenals of hurt, and cut deeper than any sword ever has. Add to that the thoughtless use of them, and you have a lethal combination. It's just too bad you were on the receiving end of such a careless and irresponsible barrage of ignorance.

The good thing to remember is that, although you apparently fell into a deep well of stupidity today, there are enlightened people all a round us who actually are willing to look beyond their own tiny, rose colored, self-centered little universe, and try to see the whole person standing in front of them... people who are not so quick to judge, people who understand that someone's worth extends beyond what shows on the surface.

There may well have been a time when you might have willingly joined in on the herpes-bashing conversations. You know different now, don't you? We all do. All of us on this forum have learned the hard way that herpes doesn't define a person, and that the common misconceptions just don't apply. Should the same situation arise again, you could point out the staggering statistics on herpes, that often it presents no symptoms, and, oh, by the way... have you been tested? That should get them thinking.

It may be that these are people you admire, and whose opinions you value on other subjects, but they are all woefully ignorant on the subject of herpes. Try not to give what they said any more credence in your mind than it deserves, which is none. There is a cure for ignorance though, and that's education. And since the available information floating around out there is mostly incorrect or incomplete, I think it's mainly up to those of us with first hand knowledge to take every opportunity we're presented to get the facts out in the open. It can be done without disclosing our status, and every person we educate is one person who may be spared from getting it, or stopped from perpetuating the stigma of it.

Please don't let this experience linger in your mind and eat away at your confidence. They were speaking of something they know nothing about, but you do know about it. And you know in your heart that you're a good person, a person worthy of respect and affection. Project that. Hold your head up and look the world in the eye. And the next time you meet a girl you like, ask her out. Life is full of marvelous surprises. I think you're due for one. ;)

Answer:
I'm with writercll on this one - I do feel extremely sorry for your experience and hope that you won't let it get you down too much.

However... this has taught you a couple of valuable lessons.
1. Educated doesn't mean intelligent, sensitive or in fact nice. It just means they've been schooled and did reasonably well. And if their responses are any indication, they need some more educating!
2. Are these the kind of people you want around you? I'm referring especially to your friends here.
3. That the best way to fight fire is wih fire. When that person said that people with herpes are worthless and not worth the 'risk', you should have absolutely stood up and asked them if that mean you were worthless! Why? Because sometimes it takes someone close to you having something to actually challenge your negative attitudes. If they're good friends, they'll have to rethink their attitudes to accomodate you. If they don't do that, they're crap people, worse friends and not the sort of people you need around you if you want a healthy, fulfilling existence without having to hide the fact that you hav a very common SKIN DISEASE.

Call them out on it - all these people that deride people with herpes, who make ignorant remarks and are so smug adoing so - and rip into them. Hurl the facts at them and stop allowing yourself to feel victimised. Education only starts when those of us who have it start fighting.

Like the quote goes - don't let the bastards get you down, but don't ever put up with that again. I don't care if they're your friends, boss or family, they need a swift kick in the pants.

Answer:
Eresh, I like your attitude! I'm one of those people who will go way out of my way to avoid confrontation, but sometimes a little in-your-face is called for, and I think this is one of those instances.

I had actually thought to suggest that etchessvee might had declared his status, thereby defying their comments, but I'm not sure I'd have had the cahonies to do that (actually, being female, I don't have any cahonies, which explains my cowardice :)), so I wasn't comfortable advising something I might not be willing to do myself.

You've made a good point, though. We have to stick up for ourselves, because, sure as hell, no one else is going to.

Answer:
I don't think I could ever stand up and admit it in a group either but wouldn't it be cool if we did? Can you imagine how comforting it would be to have everyone who has this raise their hand at the same time? We'd have this huge club of people who have overcome difficult circumstances and who look past a skin conditon to what's really important. We'd know exactly who we are and who we could date and because there are so many of us, the stigma would be decreased. I know I'm dreaming but it helps sometimes.

Answer:
Thanks for the kind words - they are good to hear, good points, and food for thought.

Yes, if my friends knew they wouldn't make these comments and I'm certain they would be understanding, but I am not of the school of thought that believes divulging this bit of information is a good thing for me. On the other hand, if no one talks about it, how can you blame those that have not experienced it from making comments or being ignorant.

I did ponder taking my one friend aside and telling him - the one that said "no one is worth taking that risk" comment one. He is actually an ex-pat and lives abroad, was only here for the week. But I didn't pull the trigger on it.

I've also thought of telling my brother who is a counselor and psychotherapist. I know he'd be understanding, but then you worry about the sister-in-law knowing and sensitive information leaking and spreading like a herpes virus -- pun intended! We'll see. Keeping it secret makes it difficult and a constant thought that runs in your mind similar to how telling and maintaining a lie is.

The thing I wonder about is whether other liberal countries have this conservatism and social stigma associated with HSV? How did we get programmed to think this was so bad?

On the positive side, I am at the point in my life where I am ready for a serious committed relationship and marriage, so the herpes is forcing me to be selective towards that goal and not be side tracked by casual physical trists with no meaning or end purpose.

Answer:
Your story has also been a personal experience of mine. I have had herpes for about 12 years now and for the most part it is in the back of my mind. I only really had one tiny pimple during my 1st OB and haven't had one since. Mostly my OB's consist of tingling in my but cheek and leg. I am lucky I do not get sores. Anywho, I do have a "newer" friend that was scared this guy she was seeing may have given something to her. She said, "if its the herps I'm going to hurt him!" "damnit I've got the herpes!" (she did not by the way) but that was her biggest fear. She doesn't know I have it and I would never tell her. It's times like that though that brings it to the forefront of my mind. IT's like all of you have been saying, educating yourself is the key. I can bet though that most of us did not really educate ourselves about herpes before we got it, so we need to be somewhat understanding of the "freak out". I'm sure we did it to, I know I did.
The fact of the matter is...herpes is an inconvenience. IT's not a death sentence. It's only a negative stigma because you get it through sex and it's on your "privates"...eeww right?? When it's on your lip it usually doesn't get the same reaction. I'm willing to bet my salary, (which is pretty good) These "friends of ours" and others around us who talk bad about herpes, have all had unprotected sex at one time or another. The only difference between us and them is that we got "nailed" with the virus. They got lucky. (They need to be reminded of this!) It's unfair for friends, potential partners, etc..to think we are dirty cuz we have "cooties" when they know damn well they have done the deed witout protection themselves and they were just as suseptable as we were at times.
I didn't get herpes from prostituting myself while doing heroin in a nasty motel. This is the perception of who "herpes" people are. I got it from a boyfriend in college who cheated on me and I had no idea. Ya, and I'm the bad, gross, dirty person? Most of us got this thing because we either trusted a partner or went bareback when we shouldn't have. So, for those who get freaked out and grossed out and think we aren't worth anything because we have this...I say F U and watch your back because it could just as easily happen to you.
On a more positive note, since I was diagnosed I have had three boyfriends including a doctor. All of whom I eventually told. Each one was supportive and wanted to be with me in spite of it. Telling people is one of the hardest things Ive ever had to do. I hope I got more than just lucky that they were ok with it. Interestingly enough, the doctor was the most unaffected by it. Hmm what does that tell us????

Answer:
Im sure that we have all had bad experience with stigma
For example
I walked into the break room at work one day to find a card board face posted on the wall. The face had big red sores around the mouth and eyes... it was supposed to be herpes There was a caption that said "steve i think we need to have a talk.. I have already had the chicken poxs" ( steve is another guy at work) Every one made dirty herpes jokes constantly and a few bays later there was a little doll in the break room that had red spots and oozy goo in strategically place around the mouth and vagina area.

It really made me feel uncomfortable and hurt... My boyfriend at the time said "you cant let those things bother you just get over it" I quit that job... and me and that boy are no longer together... Herpes is apart of who i am now I cant just get over it. Would it be ok if people were makeing fun of cancer or any other disease? NO so why is it ok to make fun of this disease? It is not ok and Im not just gonna get over it

Answer:
The irony I find in etchesseve first story is that your friend thinks some girl must have herpes because she doesn't want to bed down right away. If girls go to bed too early or too much they are "dirty whores" right but if not then something must be wrong. That is just messed up!

If anything you fot a deeper look into what people think and who they are. Now you are in the drivers seat and you can decide if you want to continue a friendship with them. People do have prejudices and that is a fact of life. For me personally I can't stand the sexist comments I face in life but I can either let it get me down or decide who I want to be. You have to decide if you are "worth" it. And what does that mean? In our society looks, success, being part of the "in" crowd is so important and shallow.

Rise above. You can't control how people act but you can control your actions. I wouldn't never say anything to friends or co-workers because I don't want to share that information. I might however speak to my sister differently and say you know 80% of the population test postive for herpes that means cold sores and all. That's like everyone. In fact I wish everyone would just get it so we can all go back to being normal. Geez.

Stay strong it's harder said that done. I can understand your frustration but how you deal with it is your choice. Choose to be positive.