Need advice re a new partner
Hi, I am really in need of some advice because I'm really sweating over this and this seems like a really supportive group of people.
A while back while getting tested for HIV (negative, thank goodness!) I was also diagnosed as having HSV2 antibodies. I never had any visible outbreaks although I experience some discomfort on occasion. I don't know where or when I was exposed to the virus because I had a history of sexual abuse and perhaps it was from that, I don't konw.
Anyway, I never told anyone about this. It has been a great onus, although I've always used protection from then on, until I learned about asymptomatic shedding, and then have refrained from letting myself get close to anyone to avoid having to let the cannon loose.
Recently I met a man through a friend, and this fellow thinks the world of me (so far). He doesn't know much about my personal history and I don't know how to handle this. So far we've only had a deep session of kissing but I feel it's moving toward greater intimacy. This is the first man I've met in ages that I have wanted to get really close to. I am afraid of screwing this up. We are so compatible on so many levels and it would really hurt to get rejected over disclosing my diagnosis, which I can do nothing about. The last thing in the world I would want to do is infect him and have him resent me for it, but then again I also wish I could offer myself to him without such a burden looming overhead. We met about a month ago, have seen each other about 4 or 5 times total and we're taking this very slowly. I just don't know when to drop this on him, and how. I am so nervous and frightened. I don't know what I should do to. We both live in NYC and I hear the infection rate is much higher but that is little comfort to assume he may have already been exposed without knowing enough about him. He is 41 so I assume he's been around the block at least once or a few times. I know many people don't know they are infected. But this also I realize is little consolation when faced with the prospect of potentially getting infected by a partner and living it with the rest of your life. He is a doctor which means he doesn't get freaked out easily, but being understanding to patients (and doctors are often perfectionists) doesn't always equate to inviting a virus into one's life for the rest of your life.
When do I have this talk? When do I approach him? How do I do it? I would love to hear any advice.
PS--is it possible to transmit HSV-2 by kissing? Many people have been getting sick recently and he's recently started not to feel well. I am dreading the idea that maybe I've inadvertently infected him through kissing!
I am afraid of screwing this up. If you are honest, you can't screw anything up.
He is 41 so I assume he's been around the block at least once or a few times The older people get, I think the more they focus on whats important in life, then whats not... So I think you are in good shape with respect to that..
He is a doctor Oh, that's golden... You've got nothing to worry about. People in the medical profession have herpes in perspective... they see it for what it is... cause they see stuff thats so much worse... and they fundamentally understand what it really is.
Whenever I tell someone who is in the medical field, its ALWAYS an easy tell because they aren't shocked... they know the deal... its way easier..
When do I have this talk? When do I approach him? How do I do it? I would love to hear any advice. Based on your message, you said you think its 'getting' to 'that' point... So I think now is a good time. You've been together for a month.. Been out several times... So he's had the chance to get to know a lot about you.... Now is a good time. Next time you are alone... sitting together... someplace quiet... tell em... Breaking the ice is the hardest part...
Just say "there's something I want to share with you" and then you've put it 'out' there... so then you kinda commit to telling....
you'll be fine... he's a doctor... You don't have to explain anything. :D
PS--is it possible to transmit HSV-2 by kissing? Many people have been getting sick recently and he's recently started not to feel well. I am dreading the idea that maybe I've inadvertently infected him through kissing! lol... I use to get paranoid the same way. When I first got HSV, and started dating/kissing someone... If they started to get sick I was like OH NO... DID I GIVE THEM IT BY KISSING...
The answer is no... If you have hsv2 you can't give that away by kissing...
A cold sore yes... that you could give from kissing... but hsv2... no..
I'm with Nik (big surprise)
When it gets hot 'n heavy it's the time. "need to share some things before we progress..." If honesty is a priority, then tell him that. He will at the very least respect you for that.
As for doctors... they do see it all the time - and have it too...... alot better than having to explain what it is...
Go for it - the worst thing he could say is no, then he'll save you time and energy better spent on an accepting partner. But it sounds like he's a keeper in your heart. Good luck!
I'm with Nik (big surprise) I know... never seen that, before.. LOL :lol:
Like Pilot said, if you are honest, you can't screw up. You can't fail.... you just can't.
My experience of telling is a bad example. LOL So.. I'm not gonna even suggest you how to do it. :D Pilot's suggestion of telling is always very practical, and trust that, cuz it's based on his true experiences, and based on what he truly believes.
As long as you are honest and do what you believe is right, things will work out for the best... <smile>
Thought about this a little more last night...
When I think about ALLLLLL the ways I have told, and all the variables of what to say...
All the variability really revolves around telling a person who DOES NOT know much about HSV.
It really seems to me that with a doctor... you simply CAN'T tell the 'wrong' way because you don't have to explain your condition...
All you have to do is just say 'it'.
One thing I did suggest before was if you just can't make the words come out, write it on a note and hand it to him... You are still telling him in person, but you don't have to fight for the words. Its still personal... and you can say EXACTLY what you feel cause you can write the note at your liesure... edit it... make sure you get everything you want to say in there...
Also... sometimes it helps to know that telling someone such a personal thing is VERY flattering AND impressive to that person.
For this guy... Your honesty will be impress him..... Your courage to tell him will impress him.... And the fact that you must feel optimistic about your and his relationship, so much so that you are willing to tell him will flatter him.
But the honesty is a big one.... "telling" really says to a person that you are unselfish... you have courage.... and that you are willing to take a chance and share 'bad news' because you know the importance and value of being honest.
good luck, and let us know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It will make him feel as though you really care for him.
I think a DR would also be more accepting than anyone out there.
They Know that it's not the end of the world.
I want to thank everyone here so much for your encouragement and support. I know I will have to tell him and soon. He's not a GP doctor--rather, he's an eye surgeon and so I'm not sure he would actually run into this type of situation on a daily basis.
I am still rather nervous. I just picked up a book on viruses and I'm really stressing out because in this particular book it said that both HSV-1 and HSV-2 could be passed through kissing. I'd never had any cold sore on my mouth, but I just found some startling information that I could (asymptomatically??) shed the virus from the mouth. I don't mean to alarm anyone, but this is what I found in the book "The Secret Life of Germs: Observations and Lessons from a Microbe Hunter" by Philip M. Tierno Jr., Ph.D., (c) 2001, from pp. 111-112:
"The rates of herpes 1 and herpes 2 simplex are so great that some of your neighbors, friends, or extended family almost certainly have one of these viruses, which can flare up at any time and produce oral and genital sores. According to teh CDC, more than one in five American adolescents and adults are infected. Members of the medical profession sometimes mordantly refer to herpes as "the gift that keeps on giving." The viruses pass from person to person via secretions from the sores. They can remain dormant for an entire lifetime, or some period of stress may trigger them into action. Thus many people who carry one of the viruses never relize that they have it. Although herpes 1 generally affects the upper body and herpes 2 the genitalia, both can be communicated sexually and they often switch places. About twenty to forty percent of new genital infections are caused by HSV-1 and are transmitted by oral sex. The viruses are so closely related that it is usually considered unnecessary to distinguish between them at this time, but herpes 1 recurs less frequently than herpes 2. Planned Parenthood estimates that ninety percent of the American population is exposed to herpes 1 in childhood, but both herpes 1 and 2 can be acquired by any kind of sexual activity, including kissing, if the disease happens to be active in an infected person."
WHAT DO I DO WITH THIS KNOWLEDGE now that I have it??? Do I never kiss again??
I'm feeling really horrid today: weak, dizzy, shaky and shooting pains all over. I've no idea if this is a symptom of HSV or if it really is a flu coming on (I did have a flu shot). I wish there was an easy way to know about these things.
Thanks so much again for everything. You're all so great. I admire your courage in dealing with this. I'm hoping I can muster some up too when the time comes. I am in such nervous knots right now.
I am still rather nervous. I just picked up a book on viruses and I'm really stressing out because in this particular book it said that both HSV-1 and HSV-2 could be passed through kissing. I think you read that wrong...
You can get HSV1 or 2 in both places... You can get hsv1 orally and genitally, or you can get hsv2 orally or genitally...
But if you do not have hsv1 or 2 orally, only genitally.. you cannot pass it by kissing...
So YES, HSV1 and 2 can be passed thru kissing... BUT ONLY if you have 1 or 2 orally...
since you've never had a cold sore, you probably have neither orally...
I've read that qoute several times and I think its is written in a way that makes it easy to take the wrong way... but analyzing the quotes, its NOT saying that if you have HSV2 or 1 genitally... that you can transmit it by kissing.
It doesn't travel thru the body like that...
It goes from the infection site into the base nerves and back... It does not go from the infeciton site into the base nerves, up the spine, and back out the nerve clusters in your mouth...
I know this for fact.
Do not stress about kissing someone.... (except for knowing that a HUGE percentage of the population has hsv1 orally already)
Read many articles of facts about herpes online, too. You'll see what they meant to say clearly as you read more.
So... ok, what you read is the scientific side about herpes. Now, read as many posts as possible here, and many people's real stories online. That's the human side about herpes. You've gotta have both sides of knowledge well balanced to see your situation objectively.
And actually, when it comes to the real life, what we deal with the most is the human side. And that's a great news. Because our humanity doesn't care about any of those scientific reports and statistics about HSV virus. <grin>
Just think about this... if you didn't have herpes, and he had herpes. And... how would you feel, if he summons up all his courage and tells you that he has herpes...? Would herpes keep you from wanting to be with him?
Your answer will explain the humanity. <smile>
Having herpes doesn't diminish the possibilities of your life. It will, only if you let it.
Be confident. Have trust in yourself..
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