Question:
Dear All (esp. Faith, Nik, Rich et al, keep up the good work!)

There?s sex, sadness, struggle, adventure and hopefully freedom below, and I?ll be asking for your support at the end, so thanks for listening!

Let?s get the formalities out of the way. Mid-thirties male, worked around the world, enjoys a wild party dancing on tables, but also a quiet night in with a book, some classical music and an herbal tea.

Christmas party, December just past. Spent the evening drinking and dancing with a lovely lady with a promise to reconnect. Later that week we did just that. Too much to drink and fell into bed together. Used a condom. However, here is where it gets tricky. Forgive my off-color language, but let?s put this down to a shocking case of drunken bad aim. Yours truly managed to take part in some completely unanticipated anal sex and broke the condom. (This has never happened to me before, and I am looking for someone, anyone, to tell me that this not the stupidest thing they have ever heard. I berate myself constantly for my idiocy, but I digress)

36 hours later and I knew I was in trouble. After a check by my regular doctor and a dermatologist, I was told things were inconclusive. Seeing this as a reprieve of sorts, I did a lot of prodding and touching (it?s my nature, sadly) only to find burning fingers, lips and nose (along with a cold sore on the face) had been added to the equation. Another trip to the two docs and I am being told I have what is conclusive below the waist, but that I have coincidentally put my back out (tingling fingers) and picked up a bacterial infection on my lips and nose. Can?t say I believe that! Anyway, a type specific blood test came back negative to both types so it?s definitely a recent infection, and a result of my last encounter. I hadn?t had sex in many months before that.

Where am I now you might ask? I am in a dark place. I have been down before, but this has pulled me right under. The old me is dying on the vine. Every day is a struggle. I look for comfort in the eyes of strangers and find emptiness, or worse, silent judgment. I have thought about ending it all. Too often. I fall asleep fitfully and wake to the shocking disappointment that this is not a dream. My heart sinks. I am sure many of us have been there, even if just briefly.

However, I have found out who my true friends are. A small, but loving group of people have formed a tight circle of love around me and will not let me go. A sibling told me I have softened, that she finally knows her big brother loves her. A friend says that I will look back on this and see it as a positive turning point in my life. My mother says I will know how to truly love and know what it means to be loved.

It hasn?t sunk in now, but a tiny, almost inaudible voice very deep inside me tells me to keep listening. And keep pushing. I am still working, still traveling, still doing what has to be done, and hoping that things will slowly get better. That one day I will again enjoy a sunset, wind in my hair, warm sun on my face, and the sand between my toes. That all my hard work to get to this point in my life has not been for nothing.

Physically, I have electricity running in my veins. Burning sensations, tingling, pain, lymph nodes up and down like crazy (anyone else get all this in the beginning?) This damn virus is the devil incarnate.

Emotionally, I feel like a vampire. The dark gift. And any who foolishly enter my domain will feel my teeth upon their necks and be brought kicking and screaming into the netherworld.

And my maker? Well, she afterwards complained of feeling ?yeasty? on the night in question, but she has never had an issue with this before and therefore it?s nothing to do with her. ?Well, you have been very stressed lately, you know.? The worst thing is if she passes it on to someone else, she will probably blame me. But I have said all I can.

I am not sure where it all leads, but thanks for listening. The posts here make me smile, cry and belong.

Advice (lots please!) on any of the above would be terrific. It?s all still new to me, and I am trying my utmost to stay sane.

I?ve heard it said that any deep wound should be thought of as a door and it is here that your soul must exit to find true happiness and light. I am searching my soul and trying to find the key to that door. It?s a small needle in a big haystack, but I will find it.

Love,

Ash

Answer:
Hi Ash,

I'm trying to show you "how" to get over the situation you have now, by explaining how I did.
But recently... my problem is, that I can't even trace how I got to this point....
But.. at the same time, that's how much I've changed and become unbelievably happy after getting over difficulties, especially herpes........


Probably... what you're feeling right now is very similar to when I was suffering from eating disorder when I was young. I think that was the time I was suicidal the most. Everyday, I wished if everything was just a dream. I was fat, and I saw silent judgement in people's eyes ( sometimes they weren't silent ). Everyday, I felt down... felt like I couldn't breathe... As I woke up in the morning, I felt like crying already, felt "this f**kin' body's still alive.....".

When I found out that I had genital herpes, I had many other problems already. (gosh I was messed up LOL) I was crying everyday, but I didn't even know what I was crying about exactly. I guess it was time for me to change and grow, finally.

As you did some already... you'll discover so many precious things which you couldn't even see before.
We've got tons of informations in the society... sex, money, rights, freedom..etc. It's just overwhelming, we've got caught up with that. We are blindfold by that, and we even don't know the true value of things around us..
But when we are given this kind of thing which is beyond our control like herpes, we've come to face who we really are for the first time. And, this is our chance to examine our life, and change it into better direction. And don't miss out this opportunity! This can truly make you happier than you were before you got herpes.
Think, and be aware of what you do, what you say all the time. Accept all the things that happened to you. You'll soon find who you really are. And it would be different from who you think you are right now.

When you finally get over this, that's the time you start finding something new in what you already know. This world is not gonna be what you think it is right now. You're gonna find new values in things. You'll find new meanings in the sentences of the book you read now. The classical music will sound differently, more beautifully. And even the herbal tea will taste new and better...
That's how things will actually happen, if you use this opportunity to grow as a person.

Well... it may not be a practical advice... but... these are the words I can find for you right now..

Just hang in..., then,

I?ve heard it said that any deep wound should be thought of as a door and it is here that your soul must exit to find true happiness and light. I am searching my soul and trying to find the key to that door. It?s a small needle in a big haystack, but I will find it. You'll find it.. <smile>

Best wishes..

Faith

Answer:
Thanks Faith, it is very nice to know you are out there! I am travelling today and really freaking out at the moment. I guess the paranoia will wear off, but I keep thinking every five seconds that something will break out on my face or down below. Was that a tingle? It's driving me mad. I also have a big "get together" with many old friends later this week, all but one of whom are not aware of my new situation. I want to feel normal around them and I know it's going to be very hard for me. I know what you all are going to say, but I'd love some comforting advice anyway!

Still looking for that key!

Ash

Answer:
Still looking for that key! Probably it'll take a while. But you will find it.

Just don't try to cover up your feeling. Any feeling. If you feel sad, face the sadness, and think about why you feel sad. You feel mad, face it, and think why you are mad.
Funny thing is.... you already have answer to it. But it's just the matter of... if you can admit it or not. And things like herpes make you very honest with yourself, and you'll be able to accept how you are, easily.

Believe me, you will then start appreciating everything about you, including herpes. You may feel that getting herpes is the best thing that happened to you.

Just don't give up! <smile!>

Faith

Answer:
Ash,

As I only have a few moments I can't say all, I'm sure my friends here will cover most of the bases. I would just like to tell you that in reading your post, you seem like an intelligent, thoughtful person who will conquer any mountain in your way. I have Faith in that where others have seem so much more lost at this stage. I commend you.

As for the anal sex part (how could I let an opportunity to talk about this slide!!) You are not at all alone. As a woman, many times I have encountered a "slip" if you will. But only close encounters... a girl needs to be very selective where a torn condom is not a rarety in an area such as that. SO don't feel alone. I may not be a man, but as far as body mechanics go, a slip is all it takes..... :wink:

My best wishes as you come to terms with this. I hope that as things settle you will find some sort of peace which will ease your OBs. I pray to God the rest is in fact just the "bacterial infection".

My best to you.
Lasmom

Answer:
However, I have found out who my true friends are. A small, but loving group of people have formed a tight circle of love around me and will not let me go. A sibling told me I have softened, that she finally knows her big brother loves her. A friend says that I will look back on this and see it as a positive turning point in my life. My mother says I will know how to truly love and know what it means to be loved. This is the best part of the whole thing... An opportunity to think in a way you never did before...

Refocus and start moving forward again... Not neccessarily in a new direction, but moving forward with a better foundation of what is important in life...

some completely unanticipated anal sex and lol... this one time I was....... Oh nevermind.... that story is for a different message board... :P


I think once the physical stuff eases down, you will be a lot better off emotionally..

Since the type specific blood test came back negative, clearly your body has not yet built up a resistance to the virus. Once that happens... and your outbreaks become way less frequent etc... That takes the condition off the front page of your daily life and emotionally you will be able to put it behind you when you aren't outbreaking constantly.

Just a little time... It gets way easier!!!!

fhl,

nik

Answer:
Thanks to all. I have taken these words of encouragement to heart.

Nik, I don't want to turn this into an altogether different message board, as you note, but I am assuming that you relate to my story of 'bad aim'! Makes me feel better about things -- well, a tiny little bit anyway!

Ash

Answer:
relate to my story of 'bad aim' Well shit (no pun intended) Both holes are so damn close together!!!!!

:P :P :P :P

Answer:
relate to my story of 'bad aim' Well shit (no pun intended) Both holes are so damn close together!!!!!

:P :P :P :P Boy, blunt honesty Nik... so unlike you!