Question:
Wow. Never thought I would be thankful to find a good herpes website! I was diagnosed last week and every other website I found was filled with doom and gloom! I appreciate the honest discussions that I have found here.

I have every question that all of you have (thanks for asking them!). But I have one question that I haven't seen yet. Let me give you a little background....

I met my bf shortly after my divorce. He is younger, never married, no kids. I thought this would be a casually committed relationship. I was not looking for a serious relationship and he seemed perfect. We have a ton of fun together, yet both of us are in such different places in our lives that long term will never work. We were both clear right from the start that our relationship would last until one of us decided it was time to find 'the one'.

He did not know that he had herpes and passed it to me thru oral sex. I am not angry with him, because the sexual relationship was my choice and he did not do this to me intentionally. My diagnosis seems to have catapulted our relationship into *serious* status. He told me he loves me the night I found out (which only made me cry harder, I am not ready to be loved yet). I feel like I have to hang on to him because he has been so wonderful and supportive throughout. I worry that I will never be loved again.

I don't want this relationship to become serious because of my insecure feelings or his feelings of guilt. But I am so afraid that I will never be loved again. He is a wonderful man; he is good and kind and generous. But we would never work long term because of our previous life experience and expectations of the future.

I don't even really know what my question is...I guess how do I keep my feelings in check with this relationship? I don't want it to become more serious than we both intended just because of this. Can anyone relate?

Answer:
Do you think that your thoughts about being at two different places are based on social expectations? Does he want to be married and have children or are these things simply what you think that he wants? Just because someone decides to do the unexpected doesn't necessarily indicate that they are giving up their dreams.

I have a similar relationship myself. I married young, had a child and divorced in my 30's. My bf is younger has never been married, has no children and is seriously pursuing his career. I was diagnosed with hsv 2 years into our relationship. Contrary to my expectations he wanted to continue our relationship even though he is hsv negative.

We may never live together. Neither of us wants to get married and children aren't part of our future plans.

In the beginning I struggled with the boundaries we set. Sometimes I struggled with my own boundaries and sometimes with his. As time has passed I have realized that even if our relationship is unconventional it works for us. We are both very happy and just like with any conventional relationship if it stops working then we acknowledge the possibility that we can move on. It is a healthy attitude and we know we are together because it is what we want not what we are compelled to do because of legal or financial restrictions. Have you ever seen a couple that is so content and happy together that they seem almost unreal? That is us. We didn't plan this but it happened just the same.

If you are not happy with your arrangement it is up to you to change it or to be true to yourself. He is responsible for his side of it. First find what is true for you. Then allow yourself to be open minded and sit down and find out what is true for him and if staying together is not really what both of you want.

Who knows maybe you both really want to be together.

Answer:
I was perfectly happy in our 'go-nowhere relationship' before this all happened. I would certainly like to be married again, but he and I would never work as a married couple. I have been married twice, both ended badly. The first marriage ended with my husband having an affair (and knocking up) my best friend. The second ended when my husband began using drugs and refused to get help. If I am going to be married again (which I hope for) I need someone who has had similar experiences to mine (kids for example).

I am not ready for this relationship to be over. I do enjoy spending time with him. I am just afraid that if I continue it I (or he) will get too emotionally involved.

You are right that he is responsible for his decisions. But I don't want to hurt him. We had a serious talk the other night and he was saying things like 'down the road, if we get married....' I can't even think about that right now. I told him that marriage wouldn't work for us.

As for my end, I am not ready to stop seeing him. But I am afraid that if I stay, I will let myself become attached. I guess I should just wait it out a month or so and see where I am. I have to let the diagnosis soak in before I make any rash decisions..

Answer:
What is wrong with a wait and see approach? Be happy today. Enjoy the things that make you happy and decide that those types of talks need to be put on hold until a later date.

You don't have to make any decisions right now. There is nothing wrong with playing it by ear. It certainly takes the pressure off of making a decision you may regret. Plus you can always change your mind.

It makes perfect sense to not want another bad relationship. The last two marriages left you hurt and probably feeling betrayed.

I think that it is important to remember that your previous relationships were with different men and it isn't fair to project their faults onto someone new. This man may never cheat and never betray your trust. You could find yourself 10 years down the line and still together - the future isn't here yet.

Like I said you don't have to have the conventional relationship. You can make up the rules as you go between the two of you. The key is communication and trust. Don't let your fear of what could be determine what is.

I wish you peace as you work through this. I know it is hard.

Answer:
I am sorry that you had such a hard time with your previous marriages. I found out that I had herpes about two months ago and some of the post I made were similiar to yours in regards to the way that I was feeling about a guy. But maybe you should just calm down a bit and just take your time. You are thinking about too many things and one time and it is going to drive you crazy because you will never get anywhere. Just take your time, no one is rushing you. Caliope responded to a few of my posts as well and she is such a big help. But don't think that you have to have all of your decisions made right now. I'm sure all of this came as a surprise to you so give yourself the time to adjust and it will all work out fine.

Take Care