Question:
My ex-boyfriend has herpes. I have not been with him for 9 months. I told my current boyfriend that my ex has it when we first started dating, but he was not too worried about because I had never had any outbreaks. I had my first ob two weeks ago. I thought it was just an irritation from shaving and wearing pants without underwear because it was not painful, just a little itchy when my underwear rubbed against it. I went to the doctor and she said it was from the before mentioned, but she took a culture just in case. She said, "I really do not think that it is herpes." She said you have to leave the hair there and wear panties. She felt bad that I came in for a "scratch" and gave me a free month of birth control pills. That was on a Wednesday. I told my boyfriend that everything was okay. We had sex on Saturday and Sunday. Then a get a call on Monday to call the doctor's office to go over the results. I was told then that I had herpes. I told my boyfriend that evening and he seemed to take it okay. I called my ex just to make sure. When I talked to my boyfriend later and confirmed that my ex has it, he was cruel and malicious and said so many harsh things. I am in so much emotional pain and I feel terribly alone. My boyfriend has been extremely selfish through this whole thing. He has not had any signs, but he thinks his life is over if he does get it. Is there anyone who has gone through this? Did you stay with your partner?

Answer:
Hi mtw,
I haven't had a similar experience, but I wanted to offer support and let you know that you are not alone. There are a ton of people here who understand and relate to what you're feeling. In my opinion, I'd say how your bf reacted is a good indication of his true character... although I know that's not going to make you feel any better right now :( You are obviously a caring and understanding individual, who accepted your ex's H and then was totally honest with your new bf about your exposure to the virus. He obviously didn't understand that exposure meant the virus possibly showing up later, so it's probably his ignorance that is making him react this way. But I'd still have to say that you were honest, and don't deserve this treatment. especially now when you're really hurting and really need someone. Are you and your ex still friends? At least maybe you can talk to him about it, he will understand what you are going thru.
Don't forget the support here :) You are not alone!

Answer:
Hi Cindy,

Thank you ever so much for your reply. I really do not know what to think. He says that he does not want to break up with me, however he cannot vision ever having intercourse with me again. He says that he just needs some time. I am not friends with my ex, although I can call him, but I do not want to. I found out about the H after my ex and I broke up and I told my new boyfriend immediately. My new boyfriend said he was not going to worry about it unless something showed up - he has been in denial the whole time. He also looked at it as a ploy my ex concocted to get me back - that if my ex has it and I have it, then we would have to be together. So yes you are right that his ignorance is making him react this way. He thinks that it is the end of his sexuality, that his life is over, that his life is ruined. I told him that I refuse to think that way, that I have been through much worse than this, that this will not be the end of me. This actually gets him angrier that I am trying to down play it. I do not know. Am I being too lax about it? Should I be more worried?

Thank you again ever so much for your reply,

M

Answer:
mtw-

I think that your attitude about this is very healthy. I'm still less than two months into it, but already am realizing that this is just going to be a hassle, just like some of the other stuff. My IBS is a lot more frequent and annoying than H has been so far.

I found that the hardest thing is going to be other people's opinions on this. I don't have a boyfriend, so I have to think about how I'm going to tell guys I date and how they will react. But this site and another I frequent have been so helpful in making me feel more normal about all of this.

Good luck with your boyfriend... hopefully he will go through the same realizations and be able to come to terms with this without dragging you through an emotional wasteland....

Answer:
mtw,
I do not think you are downplaying this at all. I agree with eds that you have a VERY healthy attitude. your bf needs to realize that 1 in 4 people have this... probably several people that he knows. and I'm sure they are all living a very fulfilling life - with Herpes. It is not the end of a sexual life, AT ALL!!! I'd say this guy's got some serious issues - the least of which is Herpes. :roll: so that and good luck is about all I can say about him.
You, on the other hand, sound like you're on the right road to accepting this. I think you have a great attitude, especially for this early in the game! and you are so right, most people will go thru way worse than Herpes. And alot of people find (myself included) that they are a better person for it. :wink: I've gone into detail several times, so I won't bore all the people on this site YET AGAIN... but let me just sum it up by saying that there have been several points in my life where I've thought "Thank God I have Herpes!" :lol: :shock: :oops:
Also, having an optimistic attitude will probably really help minimize your outbreaks, so keep up the great outlook!!
Good luck ~~~~

Answer:
Wow,

Thanks again Cindy and thanks to you eds. This is such a wonderful forum. I have never been on a forum or in a chat room until now. It is such a great experience. It is interesting that you say that 1 in 4 people have this. My bf said a statistic of 1 in 6. Of course, his response is, "BUT THAT MEANS 5 IN 6 DON'T HAVE IT!!!" I am sorry to hear about your IBS, eds, that is no fun. It is interesting that you say that it is more of a pain than H. So I have another question. Do you constantly check yourself to see if you have any ob's? I find that I am checking with a mirror nearly every time I go to the bathroom - obsessive-compulsive!

Thanks again, you guys are wonderful!
M

Answer:
mtw,
so glad you found this forum! I think it's a wonderfully supportive place. :D
so.. to answer your question about ob's... you have probably already read about "prodrome"... this is when the virus first comes out of dormancy and travels to the skin surface. It's an unmistakable feeling for most, and a great way to tell when an OB is coming. Tingling, pins and needles feeling in the legs and buttocks, some people get swollen lymph nodes, a sore throat, exhaustion, a little depression.... It took me about a year to see the pattern. I'm sure I would've noticed it sooner, but I was so distraught I couldn't think straight for a while. so, listen to your body, and after a while you'll know when one is coming. you'll also learn how to prevent them, notice what triggers them for you and make appropriate adjustments to your lifestyle. There's lots of tips and other's personal experiences on this site. Take what works for you and leave what doesn't. That's my philosophy :D

Answer:
oh, and I forgot to add:

if your bf tries to say that 3 in 4 DON'T have it, gently remind him that if he's slept with 4 people (before you) he's statistically already been exposed to it.

Answer:
Thanks Cindy,

Yes that is a good response. He just feels that it definitely did not come from him because he was married before he met me and was with his ex for eight years in which neither of them ever had any STD. He has had protected sex with one other woman besides me since he and his ex separated. I tried to tell him that I could have gotten it from him, but it is pointless, because we really do not know what came first: the chicken...Before his wife though, he had plenty of unprotected sex, as did I, he just has been in the mindset that it could never happen to him.

I have not made up my mind if staying with him is the right thing to do. We have been a wonderful couple before this. He just does not know how to deal with this. Last night he asked me to come over. When I walked in the door, he gave a huge passionate kiss and grabbed me close. His friend was still there and after he left, he said to me, "You know I do not like making mistakes and losing you would be a mistake." He said that he had an epiphany during the day and realized how much he cares about me and he does not want to lose me. So we'll see, he has said a lot of hurtful things that we have to work through.

Thanks again ever so much