Question:
I'm a 23 year old law student. I was diagnosed with herpes about 4 months ago. My then girlfriend went down on me with a cold sore and gave it to me. She refused to believe it could be transmitted in this way. I still have so much anger towards her. At my worst moments part of me wishes she had gotten it before I broke up with her.

It's been almost 4 months since i've been laid and honestly feel like it will never happen again. Sex was the undisputed best part of life to me. I suffer from anxiety and depression and can certainly point to months of my life where sex was the only thing bringing me happiness. I have only had a few one night stands but was constantly in some sort of sexual relationship. It was something I truely thought I could never live without. The last four months have proved me wrong. But not by much.

Of course, for moral and legal reasons, I would never have sex with someone without telling them I have herpes. The thought of telling someone that I have herpes is a joke. I have very limited game as it is. Am i supposed to wedge this in between making out and taking a girls pants off? Or just bring it up in casual conversation? How about soap opera style as we lean in to kiss each other for the first time I pull back, look away and say, "theres something i must tell you"?

From this board and other postings Herpes seems to have some sort of redeeming quality by increasing your standards. The suggestion is that by making you realize that need to find a special person of character to accept your disease you end up with a better person. But i really dont want to end up with anyone. I'm 23. I just want to get laid. And there are plenty of similarly minded girls in nyc but i am now now officially kicked out of the party.

So now I have to look for a girlfriend? I feel really sleazy about looking for a person to date when all I want is sex. The only girl I'd really like to get back with told me, before I contracted the disease, that nothing scared her more than herpes.

They say men have thoughts about sex every 40 seconds or something. For me it's always been more like 20. And now every one of those is attatched to the thought that I wont be getting laid today or anytime soon. I am constantly depressed or angry.

Answer:
Dear Grumpy,

I am sorry that you are in such a rough spot right now. It is good that you found this forum, I just found it too. There are so many wonderful people on this site. I am newly diagnosed with H, I am 28. I have not found out which type it is. It sounds like you have type 1, which usually is not as uncomfortable as type 2 (don't quote me on this), so that is one poaitive way to look at it. This is not the end of the world, even though it seems like it is. I understand that you just want sex at this point, I went through a period like that too. After time though you realize that you want more for yourself and to have a steady friend. Sex is great, I love sex too, however it gets to be absolutely incredible when you are in a respectful, trusting, loving relationship.

I have a boyfriend who has not reacted kindly to the news about the herpes, however yesterday he realized that he does not want to lose me. I think as time goes on and you are upfront with a woman you want to be intmate with, it will happen. Right now it sounds as though you are in panic mode. Do more research to understand this more, so that you are confident about explaining H to a woman. If you are wanting sex with a woman and you are panicky while trying to explain then she will definitely be panicked and not want to be with you.

Good luck to you, it will be okay. Another way to look at this too, is that perhaps this happened to slow you down, to focus on school, or another aspect of your life. Everything happens for a reason, the reason may not be clear at the moment the event occurs, but somewhere along the way it becomes clear. Perhaps you are meant to be part of a support group with young men like yourself. You will find your path to happiness if you want happiness. Take a deep breath and redirect your thinking.

Take care and remember that people are here for you and understand what you are going through. There is also a dating site linked to this forum, check it out.

M

Answer:
Hi grumpy,
I totally agree with mtw. However, I thought I'd throw in that there are plenty of dating sites for people with Herpes. Most give the option of labeling what you are looking for, example: relationship, or just looking to have fun. you could meet other like minded people who also have H, and eliminate the "telling", and have no risk of getting into something more than you want as long as you are upfront from the beginning.
Herpes DID help me find what I was looking for... but I wanted a loving committed relationship. If sex is really that big of a deal for you, then I'd give it a shot. I think it's a much better option than getting seriously involved with someone when the main thing you want is sex.

just a thought.

Answer:
Grumpy,
I contracted Herpes the same was. My boyfriend had a cold sore and he went down on me. My doctor confirmed that you can contract it this way. I don't know what to tell you about your sex situation. Luckily I ended up getting married to the guy who gave it to me. You know one in 4 have herpes so you might find a girl that also has it and just wants a casual relationship. I would check out one of the herpes dating sites. I know of two of my friends that have it and they both are out there and finding plenty. :lol:
Good luck.
Lenaj

Answer:
I understand how you feel that your sex life and a future with a loving partner is over. I am in the process of getting a divorce. My husband of 5 1/2 yrs exposed me to the herpes II virus. He has know for at least 10 years he has it because he gave it to his previous wife that he was married to from 92-94. I found out he had it when a stranger came to my door and told me I better get checked because he had given it to his ex. My blood test showed I had been exposed in the last year. There were several people who knew he had it, but they never told me. My education is in the legal field, and as soon as the divorce is final, I am filing a tort action against him for battery. If someone knows they have HSV and they do not inform you and you become infected, you have suffered personal injury. My husband's ex is willing to give me her medical records and testify that he knew he was infected. I am also going to lobby the legislators in my state to make it a felony offense to knowingly expose a person to HSV. We have a statute for HIV. I personally feel that when someone is so evil as to expose someone to this INCURABLE disease they should be punished to the fullest extent of the law. I have never had an outbreak, but I have an auto-immune disorder, Rheumatoid Arthritis, which could cause the HSV virus to go to my brain resulting in brain damage. I feel I have been so betrayed by my husband. If he had been honest with me from day one, my exposer could have been avoided. So many people live in denial about having HSV and have no remorse about giving it to others. I know of several women my husband was with between his ex and me. I am contacting them to let them know they need to get a blood test. Whatever you do, do not have sex with a person without letting them know you have HSV. Those of us who have it not only have a legal, but a moral obligation to let our sexual partners know. Do not take their right to choose away from them like my husband did me :!:

Answer:
thanks for the replies. it's nice to be able to vent and get some feedback since there isn't anyone i have talked to about it.

betrayed, i'm a 2L at nyu and would definately support lobbying for harsh criminal penalties. it has crossed my mind that if i used a condom maybe i wouldnt have to tell the person, but when it comes right down to it i could never risk putting someone throught what i've gone through. for your husband to have unprotected sex without warning you is reprehensible. its depressing to even think there are such selfish pricks out there.

as far as dating goes for me i'm just going to leave it on the backburner. just thinking about it is such a hassle. m makes a good point that this could be good for my studying. (think of the sienfeld where george stops thinking of sex and developes a cure for world hunger). i dont have much of a reason to go out any more and spend a lot of nights staying in and reading.

Answer:
Well the way I look at it is, I was also just out looking for sex. I've had plenty of one night stands, and thank god Herpes is what i've ended up with. Maybe this is gods way of slowing me down so I didn't contract HIV. It is kinda of liberating knowing I can go into a bar and not go home with some random stranger. This may just as well be a blessing in a horrible disguse.

Answer:
Well the way I look at it is, I was also just out looking for sex. I've had plenty of one night stands, and thank god Herpes is what i've ended up with. Maybe this is gods way of slowing me down so I didn't contract HIV. It is kinda of liberating knowing I can go into a bar and not go home with some random stranger. This may just as well be a blessing in a horrible disguse.

Answer:
Hey,

There is a website just for people whom have std's such as herpes,AIDs,,hepatitis,etc.The web address is www.positivesingles.com
Hopefully you can find a companion and maybe a life long friend.

Good Luck,
Trese :arrow: :D