Question:
I see the question of how to tell so often that I thought I'd share how do it with great success. I've shared this a couple of times before privately with a couple of forum members but I thought it might help everyone if I just put it up.

Actually it was my twin sister who really helped me to snap out of my spiralling depression re herpes and dating and helped me to pull myself together when she said "Christi! Who do you think you are to say that herpes is the only reason no guy will ever want you? You've been dumped plenty of times before herpes even became an issue and in the trial and error of dating you'll probably get the brush off a couple of more times before you even get to the stage of having to tell them you've got herpes!" Harsh words....but so true! It actually really helped me to start putting things into perspective.

Sure having herpes and telling a girl/guy may speed up the process of getting the brush off but I can promise you from experience the genuine girls/guys WILL NOT RUN! Having herpes is actually a neat tool in sorting the potential of a relationship!

OK, telling someone. It can feel overwhelming at first but it does get easier. I’ve realised in the last couple of years that the hardest thing is not actually trying to convince the other person that it’s OK but convincing yourself that it’s OK!! I’ve had four ‘proper’ relationships since I was diagnosed, one with a guy who had herpes (the first, I soon realised that the only thing we actually had in common was herpes!) and three with guys who don’t have it. I’ve also told about three other guys, one ran and the two others accepted it but I realised that I didn’t actually want to be with them (I declined sleeping with them)! So you can see the odds are actually in your favor! (Groan I feel blood burning in my cheeks…that paragraph makes me sound as though I ‘get around’) I’m willing to wear that tag if it benefits other people to hear about my experiences though.

It’s probably better to not tell them during a romantic moment, if things are getting a bit steamy and it looks like you are heading towards ‘the bedroom’ before you’ve had ‘the talk’ maybe try and graciously bow out and say something like ‘I really want to do this and (using the word ‘and’ instead of ‘but’ softens the blow!) I like you so much I need just a little bit of time to get to know you a bit better. Then as soon as you get the opportunity a bit later, tell them.

This is how I do it: I wait until we are having a bit of a chit chat rather than a deep and meaningful as you don’t want it to come across as too somber a topic and then throw in a ‘have you ever had a cold sore?’ If they say yes you can say ‘so do I, I got my first one x amount of time ago and if they say ‘no’ you can say ‘you’re lucky because I do’. There you’ve set the scene, NOW THE BIG ONE…… this is where you follow it up with ‘actually, I don’t get them on my mouth, I get them ahem, down there.’ In the conversation that follows, depending on how they react, see if you can also ad that statistics now show that 1 in 5 people have genital herpes but about 80% don’t know it and you are one of the people who know you do because you’ve always taken good care of yourself and had regular checkups (see now he/she knows you respect yourself!) You can then take it from there as to how the two of you want to handle it.

If they run, they werent in it for the long run anyway (and they’ll probably wind up getting it off someone who doesn’t tell them!). Telling someone you have herpes does not stop them from liking you it only speeds up the process of them discerning whether they like you enough to stick around. If they leave they most likely would have left you over something else eventually anyway only they would have slept with you first (and stolen your heart)! Herpes is a wonderful tool for sorting the serious, genuine guys/girls from the ones who want the luxury of having sex with you before they decide if they want to stay with you long term!!!!

I hope this helps, we all have our own style so if you don’t like it tell me!

Humans are resilient creatures and with the help of all the wonderful, wonderful people on this site if anyone does get the 'BIG REJECTION' we can all do our bit to support each other through it and maybe even laugh about it later!

P.S. the guy who rejected me when I told him I had herpes suddenly remembered that he had a girlfriend who he said he'd promised he wouldn't cheat on again.....ahem!!!! I had myself all worked up and nervous over my big secret and he was a two timing bastard anyhow... and herpes saved ME!

:P See there's a positive....out of every 'herpes positive'. Grooann I can be so corny!! I'm signing off now before I say anything else really cheesy!!

Christi

Answer:
Thanks, Christi! :)

I've read your post twice now.

I've told my potential future partner that I have the "cold sore" virus, but I haven't yet told them where... :(

We came very close to having sex, but I very diplomatically didn't take it as far as it could have gone... I don't want them to be unable to enjoy sex... and have to endure sores and outbreaks... What can I do...??!!?!?

I also have strong feelings for them, and of course I'm afraid of rejection based on something I can't change...

But, as you said...

I can promise you from experience the genuine girls/guys WILL NOT RUN! Having herpes is actually a neat tool in sorting the potential of a relationship! I just have wait for the right "chit-chat" time and bite the bullet... :!:

Thanks for the advice, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it!!! :D

Answer:
You are very welcome!

I know that in the way I've written it, seems like you should be able to have a confident 'chat' about it but trust me it is still nerve wracking!!! Don't feel like you've blown it if you clam up, stutter, get nervous twitches, burst into tears or just generally tremble like leaf when the time comes because as confident as I make myself sound I still have done at least one of these things during the big 'moment'! I just use the above example as an ice-breaker.

If you do 'lose it' don't fret too much as I have found the person I've been telling usually can see how genuinely difficult it would be to 'own up' to something like herpes and will most likely try to comfort you. They may then say they need time to think about it but at least in them taking time out to think about it, whatever their response is, acceptance or rejection you know that they are being honest about their feelings about where the relationship is headed.

Please let us know how you go. We all have a chronic fascination, good results or bad results, in how another person goes about telling this kind of thing because we all have the same fears!

Here's hoping you only ever have to tell once....and your dreams come true and this person is the one....if not we're here and this life is full of opportunity and although it might not feel like it you will get another chance!

May cupid be on your side!,
Christi :D

Answer:
Thanks mama for that post! It does give me hope. I have been trolling this site, looking for info and ways to DEAL with this and in particular, this situation....

1) I always thought condoms would be protection against the herps, and while it can...you CAN still get it (is that correct?)

2) I am currently IN a relationship for the past couple of months, it took the turn to the physical, and whilst we used condoms, I am now sad that I didn't tell him beforehand, and looking for a way to approach him about this without him being mad at me. I was in denial that I had the disease because i never have outbreaks (thank you god!) IF I do, I am totally unaware. Then recently, I think I had my second one (could be guilt too...just call me lady macbeth!)

I know that I need to take the more calm, matter of fact approach. He is such an awesome guy, a real sweetheart. IF I lose him because of this, it is the price I have to pay for not being up front with him. I am GRATEFUL that we have been so careful and use condoms , so that helps. But I just have to tell him. I can't live with the guilt and he is such a swell fella, I don't want to hurt him or have him contract it, be it from me or anyone else.

You are right, at least it is a tool to weed out the bad bf's and good ones. But also to maybe help others learn about this. I for years thought you can't get it if you used protection. Or the whole "asymptomactic thing" which I think I might be. AND THAT IS CONTAGIOUS TOO!

Thanks again Christi for sharing your story, and helping others (like ME) have some tools to use in such a situation. I totally appreciate it. Please cross your fingers for me (and him too....!)