Question:
I have had herpes for about 15 months now and emotionally it sucked a little in the beginning. Actually I handled it better than probably most would once I read literature on it. I'm just lucky it's not something that is life threatening. However, it is relationship threatening.... I've been single for almost 4 years now - mainly because I've been trying to concentrate on myself as far as my career and education goes - also because my last relationship was very painful in the end and I kind of just shut myself off for a while.

I did, however, tend to maintain a booty call or two here and there. One of which I got herpes from. I wasn't mad at him because I realized he had no idea he even had it - and well I'm at fault for not always using condoms with him (never really been a condom type person anyhow).

However, this has brought challenges to my sexual life. I've actually told more about it than not but I have a couple of occasions where I have said nothing. Of course I'm on suppressive therapy and I made them use condoms, so I guess I didn't feel as guilty - though I know it's still possible to pass on. One I didn't tell because I knew it was going to be nothing more than maybe a quick sexual fling. The other I actually was interested in more than sex, but I didn't know how to tell him either because he works with a lot of people I am friends with and there all men and well I didn't know if to trust telling him without him telling everyone else - I kind of feel it's a good thing I didn't because he ended up being a guy who wanted to fall in love in 3 weeks and freaked me out.

I know have been seeing this guy since October. We see eachother about once a month for a weekend. Were both military - he is full time and I am part time but don't live in the area of my unit so when I go to do my weekend duty we usually spend it together. I actually really like this guy and I think I'm finally at a point in my life that if the right one comes along I'm ready for something more. However, same as above I didn't tell him either. We work in the same unit and again...I only had been talking to him for about 2 months or so before it became sexual due to distance but not in a manner to know how he may react or if he would spread my issue around our unit. I'm really feel like I need to tell him - but what's even worse is we haven't always use condoms. I always hint that I would rather use them and even bring them with me when I go to town. But he chooses not to unless I grab one and stick it on him.

I know it's wrong not to be open in the beginning but if you haven't known this person long enough to trust them completely and you have mutual friends or coworkers I find it very difficult. Now I don't know if I should just really push the condom thing and wait until it is at a level where we decide to become serious and monogamous or if I should just let it out ASAP? I'm really stressing over this and I do in every situation and I'm not sure how to do it. ANY ADVICE WOULD BE GREAT!

What's weird is I have no problem telling close friends or family those I know I can trust. Once I started opening up to them I found out six of my friends have genital warts. But not one has herpes - so I still feel kind of alone. I'm not sure why I keep finding it so difficult - I don't know if I'm more afraid of the rejection or of it leaking out to those I don't want to know.

Answer:
i understand not wanting to tell someone early on, but you also have to think of the potential effects of not sharing this info. in some ways i feel that if it is too early to have such a serious talk w/ someone then maybe it's too soon to have sex.
i know it's hard. sometimes so hard that it makes you want to ignore it.
so first thing. make sure to use a condom so you at least have some protection every time until you decide what to do in terms of telling him. i had no idea about asymptomatic shedding and oral transmission until i started reading these posts. it's amazing what Dr's don't tell you.
i never want to give direct advise because everyone's situation is so different. it's scary to think of telling someone. you're being strong and responsible about using condoms. it's funny, for us in this boat. we are so concerned about what we may spread to others but forget that others out there may have to share. i don't know if i shed any helpful info. i'm pretty lost myself...

Answer:
I just would like to add that when I WASN'T told until after, it wasn't the fact that my ex bf had herpes that was the issue - it was the lack of trust and honesty that bothered me the most.

If you like this guy as much as you say you do, you owe it to him and to yourself to start off this potentially serious relationship in a truthful manner. I know that some people kid themselves into thinking omission is not lying but it really is - especially when it comes to something like this.

It may already be too late for him as he may already have the virus, but my suggestion is to try and salvage the foundation of trust that you need in order to proceed forward with this relationship. If you do not tell him - eventually he will find out anyway and then will most likely be more angry at you for not telling him first.

Good luck to you, things will work out! :P

Answer:
It's your choice to tell him whether or not you have herpes; it is selfish but understandable that you are afraid to tell him in case he tells people you don't want to know. But it is completely inexcusable to be lax with condom use, if you really are interested in pursuing anything long term with this guy you should atleast think about how you might be giving him this shitty disease just because "your not much of a condom person." Hinting isn't enough, let him know that condom's are not an option. Even if you don't tell him that you have herpes the only right thing to do is to try to stop transmission by using a condom. I would suggest waiting to tell him until you have atleast an idea of how he will react; but you should be prepared for him to be angry at you for possibly putting him at risk by not allowing him to choose whether or not he wants to sleep with you.

I wish you lots of luck!

Answer:
You guys are all right! I'm just going to tell him and if that means the end than that is my own fault. I think I feel more guilty by keeping it in. In the past when I was upfront and they decided not to go there it didn't make me feel as bad as when I feel like I can't tell them. Keeping a secret like this sucks so I just need to let it out. Thanks for the advice.