Question:
Hey there everyone.

I know that there are a multitude of these posts and you're probably sick of reading them all, hehe. Many of them are extremely uplifting and optimistic - and to those who are that way I am very happy for you. Unfortunately I've not gotten to that point yet. I'm a very accepting person but the knowledge that I now have an incurable virus has turned my life around completely and I am so scared I won't ever get back on track again.

I started a relationship with a guy who was extremely attracted to me sexually. One of the first times we parked somewhere and made out, he went further than I wanted even though I asked him to stop. We had unprotected sex for about a minute then he finally realized that I was serious and got off me. After that upsetting event (with him apologizing profusely) I forgave him and we moved on from there. After that event, he told me he had Herpes. I realized at that point there was nothing I could do to change the events that had happened and accepted the fact that he had the virus. I cared for him and he for me. We started using condoms.

Due to differences in our personalities, etc. after living together for about 3 months, I broke up with him. Things in my life at that point were going horribly just like a soap opera (female stalker, backstabbing "friends", a job where I was constantly getting lied to, and posessiveness and jealousy from him ) and I decided to move across the country and stay with some friends because I had no where else to go besides where I was at. For the last two weeks I was in that apartment with him he begged me to stay, told me he'd do anything, and asked me over and over if we couldn't still just have sex even though we were just friends. I repeatedly told him no.

One week before I actually moved out of the apartment he raped me. I guess he couldn't just be friends with me. He didn't use a condom and he didn't bother to pull out either. I talked him out of killing himself that night - he couldn't believe what he'd done. Luckily I didn't end up getting pregnant, but when I got the test results back sure enough - Herpes was positive. I dealt with what happened by analyzing things and realizing that things could have ended up much worse.

I used to be a very outgoing person who never went more than a week without having a boyfriend - let alone without having sex! Now it's been over a month since I've been in my new place. I feel so lost, and so extremely lonely. I would love to be dating someone who is accepting and who understands what risks are involved. I just have so little faith in that happening at this point. Once you already have someone there and you tell them that's a lot different than completely starting over with someone who hasn't already been with you. I know they say you can have sex again, etc. But from all of the information I've read even if you use a condom and suppressive therapy you can still spread the virus, and since I don't show signs - I don't EVER know when my "outbreaks" are happening.

I'm one of the lucky ones that does not show symptoms or have visible outbreaks thusfar, but I still have it running through my blood. I'm also a very honest person and I believe that if someone can't accept you for who you are then they don't deserve to be with you. But I am only 26 and I'm so scared that no one will ever love me or want to be with me again. I've always been very self confident and assured in my life and this insecurity is driving me insane. I'm an attractive girl but I feel like I'm completely worthless and gross. I know that's a combination of what happened to me as well as the virus, but it's still there regardless.

I hate feeling like this. I hate questioning everything. I know things could be worse, trust me I know - and I am thankful that I only ended up with Herpes instead of something that could be terminal. But how can I go out and try to meet someone new when I know eventually crunch time will come around and I'll have to fess up?

Not to mention the fact that having children will most likely end up infecting any future partner I have (if you do it naturally) and the child itself unless you get a C-section or happen to actually be able to know when your outbreaks are.

Just a little rant. I know that things will look up eventually and turn out all right, they always do. But for now I'm just blind to that silver lining. Thanks for listening. :cry:

Answer:
Its not as bad as you think it is, seriously. When you think about it, almost everyone has this virus but alot of people dont show any signs and go basically their whole life without ever knowing. Especially HSV-1, or "cold sores", its funny because most people dont think of them as herpes even though they are. Im sorry to hear you were raped, its a horrible thing to go through, but you seem to be doing ok :) Dont worry about spreading it, dont worry about not finding someone, because you will find someone. Considering the statistics of people who have the virus, they will probably have it too :) I have it myself, I got it from my wife who never knew she had it because she never has outbreaks. I had about 4, and now I never get them anymore. Your body adjusts and fights it quite well the longer you have it (there are some people who's body doesnt for some reason, but its not nearly as common). Be glad you have something that doesnt kill you, doesnt harm your health, and just at the worst gives you some blisters that itch and hurt alittle and go away within a few days :) If you ever wanna talk in private to an understanding guy, let me know :)

Answer:
Wow! This guy really has some issues! I think what your going through is a mixture of emotional trauma of how you got it and now how you are going to deal with it. I believe the rape situation is worse than the herpes situation and I'm sure more emotionally traumatic. I hope you turned him in or if you don't want to press charges you should really consider forcing him to get help for himself or you will. He could do this to others - not only raping someone will affect them for the rest of their life but he is spreading a virus around - that's two blows for a victim.

I hope you get through this all okay and there is plenty of support out there for you. Take care :D

Answer:
You know when you are a kid, and even an adult, and you have that feeling that yeah sure bad things happen in the world but they'll never happen to YOU? That feeling of invulnerability, of agelessness, of nonchalance. . . Well, I didn't know I still had been living with that feeling until I was sitting in that doctor's office and she said "Your HIV is negative, your chlamydia and gonorrhea are negative, your diabetes is negative." Then she pulled out the other part of the test, "But your herpes. . . "

BAM! Innocence lost kids. I know it happens, and I know that 1of 4 people have it, and since there are so many ways of potentially contracting it I could very well have ended up with it at some point anyway. But to see those things on paper, well, that really brings it home. I didn't cry, didn't get angry - I just felt a sinking in the pit of my stomach and the realization that I WAS ONE of the "everyone else's".

I don't get angry about this all, even with the situation I went through with my ex. I forgave him, and tried to help him through his issues. At that point there was nothing I could do. So I live, I move on, I try not to let it get me down.

Anyway, enough rambling. The point of this post is to say thank you. Thank you to all who have read it, thank you to those who have posted replies. Knowing that someone is actually reading all of these feelings I'm going through somehow makes it a little easier, a little less lonely.

So, please, when you see someone post, even if you've heard it all before. . . - remember that YOUR reply may have taken 1 minute to type, but may be the words that help them maintain their optimism for another hour, another day, another month.

Again, thank you all, and good luck to everyone who is going through this. If you need to talk - I may not have a complete handle on my own feelings as of yet, but I'll be here regardless. :D

Answer:
Lost girl,
I am so sorry that happened to you, I had a similar less dramatic exposure to herpes and it really tears you apart. Unfortunately not only are you emotionally scarred but you have a permanent reminder of what happened. Keep your chin up, and thanks for posting your story I found it sad but inspirational. Reading the stories on this forum help me get through the day sometimes.

Answer:
I can totally relate. I got herpes from a guy who would not take no for an answer. I immediately got herpes and spent 10 months of hell with this sadistic abuser because I felt like noone else would ever want me. After this guy almost completely destroying me mentally, emotionaly and physically and trying to take my own life, I finally left the relationship and spent the next year in counseling. you may be waiting for the happy ending to my tale but unfortunately I can not give you that. Despite being a very attractive, intelligent girl I am still single. Sometimes I feel like I was right, no one will want me with this. There was this guy who said he was in love with me and wanted nothing more than to be my boyfriend, but in the next breath he told me he would never touch a girl with herpes, he would rather bang a fat ugly chick without it than the most beautiful girl with it. I meet men, they are crazy about me, then they never call again when I disclose. after two years I still wake up in the middle of the night terrified of what my life has become. I am thiry, divorced, with herpes. how can I compete when there are always younger, prettier, clean girls out there. Sorry this is so negative, if you read my other posts they are generally very positive but I am getting tired of being alone. I guess this is my turn to feel bad. More than anything I want to meet someone and be intimate, I want to feel like a sexy woman again. Will this ever happen? I am tired of being the dirtbag of society. people are so ignorant and most people thing herpes is the worst thing in the world. When will this stigma subside? One good thing I can say is that I am doing great in all other aspects of my life. I have finally gotten my career off the ground and am making good money, I am finally finishing my college degree, I look better than ever and have more great friends than ever. I used to be a relationship addict and have ALLWAYS had a boyfriend. I have been forced to go it alone and I never realized how strong, resourceful and resilient I really am. But I want to share my life with someone and sometimes fear I will never have what I want most. Sorry if this is depressing but I really needed to get this off my chest.

Answer:
Lostgirl. I was like you, didn't go a week without having a boyfriend. I had only slept with 3 guys when I got H. One of those had been a one nite stand (with someone I knew). I took it that I was being punished for being premiscuousness. I thought that a higher being (be if God or Alah or whomever) had struck me with H rather than see me get HIV or something. My world turned round.

It's not like you have a cold, where your boyfriend doesn't want to kiss you. Its the thought that your most personal area, gets blisters! A blister on your hand is bad, but a blister on your bits!!! It's such a nasty disease. Trying to explain to my boyfriend was horrible, and I have to say that I leave out the stuff about the blisters. Days, even weeks go by without me thinking about it. But every now and then....BAM, I feel dirty and ugly and sick to my stomach. The most natural thing in the world - making love - is tainted! and I can't get away from it.

I think about what I would do it I saw the guy that infected me. Because he just laughed at me when I told him, I felt totally sick. My parents had been very unhappy with me dating him, and it was as if they could do the "I told you so" line. I saw him in a pub about a year after I found out. He had a new girlfriend as was laughing at me again....litterally. I went over to her and said "Your boyfriend gave me herpes". She just looked at me. I don't know if she even heard me - but I wanted to warn her, and take that grin off my ex's face.

So far, in my current 2 year relationship, I have been very careful to be aware of what my body is doing, and have kept my b/f up to date with when I have an o/b. He is very supportive and understanding, and I am really very lucky to have him.

Being on this forum (albeit for a short time) has helped no end. I now see that I am not the only one who thinks like this. I have always wanted to warn people of the consequences of unprotected sex, but don't want to come out of the closet! So, being here to talk to people about my own experience, may help to ease their concerns and pain.