Introspection and Herpes
My herpes infection is a bit different from the infections of other on this board, in several key ways. (btw im a straigth male, 21 years old)
Firstly, and most importantly, i don't seem to have any down-time of symptoms. The majority of my body is usually dominated by herpes, but not in the way you are thinking. My face is covered with what APPEARS to the naive outsider to be acne, it is ugly, tons of whiteheads around my mouth area and cheeks, the underside of my cheekbones, down my neak, boil-type things that occur on my arms and legs, on my chest, in my pubic area, on my back, these boils leave purplish scars that NEVER go away. My legs and arms are becoming pocked with purple circular scares, they NEVER resolve.
My mouth is constantly being invaded by canker-sore type lesions, near the tonsils, on the tongue, on the gums, on the lips. One after the other, there is never a time without at least two.
It has spread to my penis and anus. The penis foreskin has a tight, greasy look, and smells TERRIBLE regardless of cleansing. Its like a sweaty, fishy smell, SMELLS AWFUL ALL THE TIME. This greasy, reddish unhealthy look is also always present on my chin. My penis has several tender, small "bumps" INSIDE the urethra, in the center of the "ring" that makes up the head. These always radiate numb pain, and this pain always
travels down my legs and makes them warm and sucks the energy out of my legs. My ANUS is currently covered in what look like hemorrhoids, except they are accompanied by little holes in the anal tissue, large, PROTRUDING ear-lobe looking things that have white, sore spots on them.
Going to the bathroom for defacation is the most intense pain i have ever felt. It is absolutely terrible. Like being stabbed with scissors directly into your anus.
I never feel good. Ever. My mind is "swamped" sort of, i can't focus thoughts, it feels warm and empty, terrible feeling. I have no energy whatsoever, if i stand too long i get nauseous. The thing is, is that this is constant, never ending. Its like having the flu, and getting your blood drawn in large amounts, every day, starting from when i wake up. I cant get a job, i simply dont have the energy sometimes to even think or speak.
The bottom line is that Herpes comes in so many devious forms. For many people, there are definate, easily recognizable outbreaks that eventually heal to return you to your standard self. For me, i dont have the common terrible outbreaks, i simply have a constantly life-draining disability which both destroys my energy and social skills, as well as making my face and skin look absolutely disgusting.
Never let anyone tell you this disease is not so bad. In a time of less than 2 years, it has spread to every conceivable place on my body. I am in constant pain, i am a pretty much useless individual because of it, and what's worse, it is a stigma, a thing which no one wants to know about, and which doesnt receive the same kind of sympathy that, let's say, cancer patients receive. I am asexual because of this. When i see an attractive female, my penis has developed the response to hurt very badly. I choose to never again form a relationship with another human being, beyond friendships in which no touching is involved. This is not because i dont think i'll ever find a woman who will love me even if i have this condition. It is because at some point she will want to get physical despite it, and i will never recover from the thought of polluting another human being. I contemplate suicide as my only alternative on an every-other-hour basis. I take lysine, and it barely helps. I eat healthy,
try to reduce stress, and am active at times. Nothing helps. I am without hope.
My last girlfriend, about a year ago, was a beautiful, blonde, spunky girl who had a nice, clean face. I kissed her, i didnt know at the time what i had. She now gets massive, ugly cold-sores and is very depressed, on medication presumably for both. We are not on good terms. I feel so terrible for my crime. I also used to be a handsome young man, you might describe me as a leonardo dicaprio/johnny depp type youthful-looking face, with brown hair. Now i do not consider myself a human being.
Be careful, for the love of god, tell everyone you know. Dont spread it to others, stay AWAY from anyone with an odd odor, or strange facial lesions. Its NOT WORTH dating a person who you deem suspicious, under
any circumstances. I did this, because i was lonely at the time. Now, i am lonely, and in pain, and dirty, and there is no hope.
Hey I'm just wondering, what was your first break-out like? The oral sores? I didn't know herpes could be like a canker sore. Are you on anti-viral treatment?
Hang in there, people say every day they're getting closer to a cure. I can't imagine how hard it must be.
"canker sores, cold sores" are herpes. Its just a nicer way of saying it.
I cant begin to tell you how sorry I am for all that you go through..not that it helps your situation but I am truely sorry. It must be a living hell. I wish there was something that could be done. No meds help?
Tell us more about yourself and your condition. How did you contract this? What were your first symptoms? What was your diagnosis? How many doctors have you seen? What have the doctors said? What therapies have you tried? How much research have you done? I firmly believe there is hope for you to cure your condition (not the virus, but the symptoms). Tell us all the details and maybe everyone can give you advice.
I'm 34 and have had several health problems that were not properly addressed by the first doctor visit. I've learned that you can't trust doctors because many are not passionate about their profession and do not stay on the cutting edge of medicine. I always look for highly recommended specialists and ask numerous probing questions on my visits. Look for doctors that specialize in herpes and/or skin disorders. Also see a general practitioner for a physical. Maybe you have a compromised immune system? Homeopathic medicine may work - herbs and accupuncture, etc. (I think Delilah is good at that stuff - maybe she can offer some help).
Sounds like you're depressed and suicidal, which is understandable given what you're dealing with. If there's any way you could see a therapist please try to. Therapy and/or anti-depressants may help you muster the strength and courage to seek the medical attention you need.
One more thing...the organization that helped me long before the internet came alone is ASHA - the American Social Health Association - Herpes Resource Center. (http://www.ashastd.org/hrc/index.html). I haven't searched the site but I got their newsletter for years and it really helped me. They have a hotline you can call.
That's all the advice I have. Read the boards because there is a ton of support and encouragement available. Don't give up. Things will improve if you keep looking for answers.
My heart goes out to you. don't forget you are not alone, we are all here for you. As for the suicide thing I feel like that too sometimes, I wish I had more encouraging things to say, but the though of being alone forever can be overwhelming. This is just a suggestion but who knows it might help. After I contracted h my immune system was shot. I don't know if it was because my body was trying to deal with the infection or if the stress was taking a toll. Anyways I was SO sick that first year. 6 colds, strep throat, bronchitis, it was never ending. I wondered if maybe I had aids, I was constantly going to different doctors, I can't believe I didn't loose my job because I was constantly calling in sick. After about 10 months of this I just couldn't take it anymore so I decided to take drastic measures. My body had become so toxic from years of abusing it and stress so I decided to do a hard core fast/detox. I did a ton of research and went on a five day juice fast. I purchased this all natural detox kit which was acctually made for people with terminal illnesses like cancer and aids. It cleaned out my liver, kidneys, blood, digstive system, everything. I t was the best thing I have ever done for myself. It was also one of the hardest things I have ever done but after doing it I felt so strong and had a clarity of mind I had never know befor. When the body becomes toxic, from environmental pollutants, stress, diet, etc. your body is doing everything it can just to do its basic functions. Toxicity effects people in different ways but for me it took its toll on my immune system. the fast completely cleared me out and my immune system is stong as a horse now. I have only been sick maybe once or twice since then and I have had NO outbreaks. If you are interested in finding out more let me know. a good place to start is a book called the 7 day detox miracle. First you must eliminate all toxins such as alcohol, drugs, tobacco, and processed foods. I took certain suppliments and things to cleanse my digestive system and bowles. ate only organic fruits and vegtables for the few days beginning and ending the fast and during the 5 day fast drank a gallon of lemon water a day and juiced organic fruits and vegtables 3 times a day. I took special tinctures to pull the toxins out of my organs and blood. ate tons of vitamins and lysine. there are many symptoms of being toxic, one of them is a compromised immune system. I also did yoga everyday, tried to think positive healing thoughts, prayed, wrote in a jounal, did dry skin brushing, and rested as much as I could during the week. by the end I was pretty weak but I slowing starting eating again starting with organic fruits and veggies. I don't know if this will work for you but it changed my life and health in ways I would never have believed. I also felt better mentally than I had in years. You may want to try it, what do you have to loose. Do some research on it. Your body may be so busy using all of its energy to deal with the toxins it isn't able to fight the h infection. If you take a load off of your body by removing the toxins it will give you immune system an opportunity to heal and strenghten it as well. good luck.
thanks you guys, i feel alot better today than i did the other night.
Chaos - your experiences sound alot like mine. I first started having the symptoms 2 years ago, and i had to call in sick all the time, was always "out of it" at work, sick pretty much non-stop for about 1 year, i think it contributed to me being fired. I started off that job as a retail clerk very healthy and energetic, but i quickly lost all energy and enthusiam. now i know it was because of this damn disease!! But anyways, i went through the same thing you did.. quit drinking and smoking, now i take vitamins and eat very healthy, and overall i do feel alot better. However the symptoms sort of stay the same no matter what, at least it isnt as bad as last year... jesus god damn christ... i had what i thought was "strep throat" EVERY WEEK, it was killer pain and dizzyness like the flu every weekend it seemed, on the dot. This killed my job life and my social life, two things i still haven't recovered from yet :(. But damnit, im trying, gonna check out anti-viral meds soon, because in all honesty, my outbreaks really aren't all that bad compared to some people. When they happen, yes, its a week
of complete living hell, but otherwise my life feels like constant run-down bodily symptoms. I believe i can control these with diet and vitamins, and take care of the actual annoying major breakouts with Valtrex or something.
-by the way, if anyone has info on herpes medications that would be great, i mean, can you take them just when you have a major outbreak, like only for a few days, or would that be bad, causing the virus to get immune to the medicine? If that isn't the case, then i could make a month's supply of Valtrex last forever, since i dont really need it all the time.-
But to get back to the point, my main complaint about this crappy disease isnt the actual pain, of which there is surprisingly little, and pain can be avoided through how you move or function. What im pissed about is that the virus KILLS your mind, i dont know if any of you understand what i mean but for me it feels like i go "colorblind" of the soul whenever i have a flare up. And that's the worst part of it all.
Acupuncture, I believe would make it worse. It would be putting tiny holes in an already inflamed skin..more than likely adding to the problem by spreading it.. Now something topical, or something soaked in a hot bathtub..like lemon balm, would probubly do a world of good. But unless you know someone with an abundance of fresh herbs that is pretty useless..unless you want to come to my house and get some..LOL OR you could find some essential oils to drop in your bath water..I'll post a link in case you are interested in something like that. As far as fresh herbs, you could grow your own...but thats rather involved. But..it would be a good idea I think. Just go to the local nursery and grab a few plants..throw them in the ground in a couple mos you would have enough. Especially something like lemon balm..its a mint, it grows like wildfire. By the end of the summer you will have enough to let hang and dry and it will last you the winter. I think the chaos's idea of cleansing your organs with some toxin remover is a realllly good idea. They sell stuff like that at the local GNC. Even though you are taking vitamins that are healthy for you they arent going to do any good if your body is riddled with toxins. It's just putting more ontop of what is the already built up...and with your immune system the way it is, I think that would help you alot. And I mention your immune system because I think its very low...do to stress, sickness, depression.
In reguards to your question about your valtrex meds..it should be taken as prescribed. If these drugs arent taken like they are supposed to be taken you arent allowing them to do their jobs correctly. You have to take those meds the correct way or not take them at all. When you dont take medications correctly the active ingredients arent being allowed to do what they are supposed to be doing. Medications have to build up in your body to certain level before they even begin to work. So, either take them as prescribed or not at all.
that one is for lemon balm (Melissa) specifically. I have a bunch of catalogs but they are at my bestfriend's house. If you are in a city, there more than likely shops where you can get get essential oils. Look for lemon balm..melissa inparticular. If you want other websites or are interested further in herbs and oils you are more than welcome to ask me.
have you considered ozone therapy? i know it is a controversial treatment and not everyone agrees that it is effective. but i have read posts for people whose cases are quite extreme like yours that have benefitted greatly from ozone treatment. it's worth a shot. what have you got to lose?
I'm probably playing devil's advocate here, but you've had a test right? You know for sure it's H?
One other thing. Get on 500 mg of Valtrex twice a day now for suppresive therapy! It will probably minimise it and it's worth a try.
Also, have you tried going to a hypnotherapist to minimise OB's?
It sounds obvious but I know in the beginning that I spent all my energy on trying to minimise the symptoms every OB, not focusing on stopping the OB's. If you only got an OB 3 times a year, obviously you would be in much better shape both mentally and socially. I really believe you can do it if you make a concerted effort - sleep, water, exercise, stress management, diet, Valtrex, pain meds, vitamins and not wallowing in the disease.
Let us know how you go.
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