Question:
Dear all,

This is my first time around here, and although I see that most people show fear and anxiety in their posts, I'll have to confess that I may show the same. So please forgive me.

I am a 25 year old gay male who is (was?) a strong advocate of safe sex. I was DEATHLY afraid of STDs, especially HIV, so I swore (after a good deal of mistakes, done only to please others) to never have oral or anal sex with a man. I would engage only in frottage, which is basically dry humping, or rubbing your genitals against another man's genitals (or stomach, as my personal preference often goes).

The only problem I have occasionally discovered from this form of sex is crabs, which have been easily treated and rid off when I had them. I just discovered a few on me a couple of weeks ago, and got rid of them, to the best of my knowledge. I will take further precautions as necessary.

As to my sex life, I used to have quite a few partners, who were also my closest friends. I believed that sex with your friends was possible, if both people were willing, honest, and encapsulated a lot of love in it. Sex was not the be-all and end-all, but it made our friendships more complete and more wholesome.

A few days ago, I got a message from one of my online friends (not actual physical ones) that he just got diagnosed with herpes. He is utterly distraught, and I was shocked to hear that one could get it from frottage, as he had gotten it. I suddenly became very very scared and realized that my crotch had indeed been itching now and then for the past week, after I got rid of the crabs. I thought the itching was due to them just being gotten rid of, but then I remembered that I had seen a tiny bump that same week, which I thought to be a pimple, but now I'm worried if it was the first blister or something.

I plan to get tested this week, as soon as possible at a local clinic. I hate myself TONS, for a couple reasons:

1.) I thought I was practicing safe sex, when true safe sex is actually NO sex. (Even frottage is dangerous, which saddens me a LOT)

2.) I have done this with quite a few friends of mine (though I've been much more selective in the past month or so), and the thought that I've infected those whom I love is a horrible thought in itself.

3.) I probably have this disease, which will stay with me permanently and be a scar to remind me of my stupidity. (not that I see anyone on this board as stupid. But it's easier to see in myself)

I can't really trust myself to be around my friends again, since I am a very sexual person and almost ALWAYS having sexual desires. This has left me feeling extremely alone and depressed, up to the point where I have just felt very lax and detached from everything. This has involved lying in bed and thinking about everything bad I have done, and even skipping meals (haven't eaten at all today), basically because I just feel very undeserving of anything good or normal. Enough with that pity party, though.

The biggest thing I have been doing this weekend is been focusing on the probability of having herpes and how to handle it, and constantly noting any unusual sensations in my genital area. Every now and then, the itching will come back, though I don't know if it's herpes or just jock itch, or something else. I can't find any red marks (before scratching) or blisters on any part, though since it's so hairy down there, it's probably too difficult to see. It could also be presumed that the constant angst is making its own sense of itching, but I don't want to assume anything. I only hope that the test I get this week (hoping it IS this week) will be over 90% accurate.

I'm sorry for going on and on. I know there's enough agony aunts here with their own stories, and mine is just one in a million. But I have some things to say that I will soon say to my friends, except I want to say it right now for some reason:

I'm sorry for what I did. I'm very very sorry and accept the consequences of it all. I will really miss being with my friends and holding them in my arms and just feeling that sense of love that was such a joy to feel, even if it wasn't sexual. I just don't trust myself worth a damn now, and can't bear to hurt anyone else, or myself, again. I know we all hurt each other in life and stuff like that, but I want to do it as little as possible.

I'm also going to go completely abstinent, since I now know for sure that all sex is dangerous, even if you try to protect yourself. I know that all things life involve some amount of risk, but avoiding sex (which is not necessary in the gay world) can eliminate a whole lot of risk.

As some of you may have guessed, I secretly want someone to convince me that my former lifestyle was healthy enough and just fine, and I shouldn't give up on it. But I realize, too, that sometimes what we need to hear is NOT what we WANT to hear. I just wish I knew (generally speaking) when what I want is the same thing as what is right.

Basically, I'm writing this to get it out of my system (as best as possible) and request some advice from you all, whom I see as far more intelligent and level-headed than I am. I realize that we all made mistakes, (and continue to make them), but it's very difficult for me to see the good qualities in myself at this time. Maybe in a few days or weeks, but right now, I could really use some help and comfort, if possible.

Alright, I'll shut up now. Please respond if you can with anything you want to say, good or bad. I will accept it. And BTW, if I'm tested negative, I will still remain abstinent, because I still view sex as dangerous. I may also avoid being around my friends, but that may be a bit more short-term, because I find it so difficult and painful even in the space of this one day. I realize that the best answer is probably never to be sexual with them again, although that feels kind of painful in itself, too, since it has always been something I enjoyed and looked forward to.

I'm sorry, I'll be quiet now. Big warm loving hugs to you all. Be good to yourselves, and I'll try to be the same.

Love,

Marcus

Answer:
Thank you for your post. It has educated me about frottage and I think it can educate us about the mobility of herpes (whether you have it or not). Herpes is among the most mobile viruses. It doesnt require moisture, as some have suggested (learning is still happening in this forum and outside it). It doesnt require an exchange of bodily fluids. We use to think sex was ok in absence of outbreaks. Now we know otherwise. We thought a condom was sufficient, now we know otherwise. We thought herpes just gave you a few bumps and that was it. Now we know it can do more than that. And I think other assumptions will come to be overruled as knowledge gets out. There are some things that we may learn from gay male sex that wouldnt ordinarily get revealed elsewhere, and frottage could be one of them (as a potential avenue for herpes mobility). There are numerous people here who thought they were behaving responsibly who ended up infected. How can that be their fault if they went by the current medical standard or tried to (and what is it anyway?)? I've said before, we know more about herpes than the medical community because we are a live clinical trial of a sort. They learn from us, perhaps more than the other way around. And yes the education can feel really expensive to us.