Question:
This one is still a work in progress, but I thought I'd get some feedback.
EDIT: I've added a second verse and a bridge that change the feeling of this song. Also, I really don't want a song titled "Abandon Hope!" as that really isn't the point of this one. So I changed the title as well. Critique would be fantastic.
Hope is Alive!
The object of our idolatry
Turned out not to be all that he was cracked up to be
We peed in the sink
And let our bodies grow older
Held our hands to our hearts
And pledged allegiance to no one
We were drunk on our virtues
(I won't let anyone hurt you)
And we laid our bodies closer to the fire
It was dying to embers
And our love was the same
But I had piss in my veins
And your head on my shoulder
I can't let go
I said, "I will not let go"
So we laid there for hours
'Til the cold took our bones
[build]
The desert winds are howling
We best leave our lives behind
There's nothing for us here
But the moaning of our minds
[chorus]
Our best laid plans are a sinking ship
Abandon hope, abandon hope!
All you who enter here
Abandon hope, abandon hope!
Taste the salt on our skin
As we lay down to sleep
With our jawbones nearby
Beside the secrets we keep
The world has moved on
I mean to move on with it
Threw ourselves off a cliff
And now we're shocked that we're falling
The path was narrow and steep
The canyon, hollow and deep
We lose consciousness as the earth recedes
[build]
[chorus]
[bridge/outro]
There's a presence in the mountain that's older than time
It whispers to me, he whispers to me!
Abandon all else, leave it all behing
Hope is alive, hope is alive!
Answer:
I think it's great. I'm not sure how I feel about using the word "peed," though. I think "pissed" would work, even though you use it later. Actually, I'm not sure I understand how peeing in the sink fits with everything else.
Answer:
It's an act of rebellion.
I think I like "peed" because it internally rhymes with all the other "ee" words in the lines before. Also, it's part of the genesis of this piece; I was looking at FUN 100's myspace just prior to writing it.
Answer:
Okay, that works I suppose. Hadn't noticed the internal rhyme when I read it, but I'm sure it would be obvious were I to hear you sing it.
p.s. You should play a show with those guys.
Answer:
I've written a second verse and a bridge/outro for this one. I really like the guitar I've written for it, but the lyrics could use some work, I'm thinking, especially in the verses. I'll try to do a recording of this one soon, maybe just a quick acoustic one.
Answer:
Switching between present and past tense in the second verse is a bit confusing for me, but other than that I think it's great (still). Even just changing "The path was narrow and steep" to "The path is narrow and steep" would make more sense to me. But that's just me.
Answer:
Good point. I'll actually change the tense of "threw." That ought to fix the whole thing.
Answer:
Actually, it might make more sense this way:
Threw ourselves off a cliff
And now we're shocked that we're falling
The path was narrow and steep
The canyon is hollow and deep (or don't add the 'is' but change 'the' to 'this'?)
We lose consciousness as the earth recedes
Maybe?
Answer:
It's pretty good but i think the peed thing is kinda wierd
Answer:
Originally Posted by Emo_Rachael Actually, it might make more sense this way:
Threw ourselves off a cliff
And now we're shocked that we're falling
The path was narrow and steep
The canyon is hollow and deep (or don't add the 'is' but change 'the' to 'this'?)
We lose consciousness as the earth recedes
Maybe?
I like the changes to the first two lines, but the "is" is already implied (and it doesn't really fit the rhythm).
Answer:
Actually, I kind of feel like the "was" from the line above it is what is implied. But I guess that works too. I really like these lyrics and I can't wait to actually hear the song.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter The object of our idolatry
Turned out not to be all that he was cracked up to be
We peed in the sink
And let our bodies grow older
Held our hands to our hearts
And pledged allegiance to no one
We were drunk on our virtues
(I won't let anyone hurt you)
And we laid our bodies closer to the fire
It was dying to embers
And our love was the same
But I had piss in my veins
And your head on my shoulder
I can't let go
I said, "I will not let go"
So we laid there for hours
'Til the cold took our bones The "peed in the sink" line sounds out of place in context with the rest of the verse. I realize it's suppose to be an act of rebellion, but it sounds out of context and odd alongside some of the more politically charged lines (the fallen idol, pledging allegence, virtues, etc.)
But otherwise, this verse is excellent. I especially like the last couple of lines; they's a nice contrast to the fire images a few lines earlier.
The desert winds are howling
We best leave our lives behind
There's nothing for us here
But the moaning of our minds
Our best laid plans are a sinking ship
Abandon hope, abandon hope!
All you who enter here
Abandon hope, abandon hope! These sections look okay. Though the music is going to make or break them both, methinks. And the sinking ship image kind of comes out of nowhere, but I still like it anyway.
Taste the salt on our skin
As we lay down to sleep
With our jawbones nearby
Beside the secrets we keep
The world has moved on
I mean to move on with it
Threw ourselves off a cliff
And now we're shocked that we're falling
The path was narrow and steep
The canyon, hollow and deep
We lose consciousness as the earth recedes "I mean to move on with it" sounds a little too stiff compared to the rest of the lyrics, and potentially could stop the song in it's tracks. The cliff idea is great.
There's a presence in the mountain that's older than time
It whispers to me, he whispers to me!
Abandon all else, leave it all behing
Hope is alive, hope is alive! I'm not too fond of the first line, but it's not that bad and everything else here is pretty solid.
This isn't one of your best songs Dan, but it's still definately a winner. I'm looking forward to a recording as well.
Answer:
I'm thinking I'll change "peed in the sink." Even though it was part of the genesis of this song, it doesn't fit anymore. I'll think of something.
Originally Posted by SupaNova These sections look okay. Though the music is going to make or break them both, methinks. And the sinking ship image kind of comes out of nowhere, but I still like it anyway. I think the music for these parts is pretty awesome, so I think it'll work.
"I mean to move on with it" sounds a little too stiff compared to the rest of the lyrics, and potentially could stop the song in it's tracks. It's sort of a reference to the Dark Tower series by Stephen King. I think it works with the music; I'll post a quick acoustic recording and we'll see.
Answer:
Here's an acoustic rendering of "Hope is Alive!" A concern that was brought to light last night while playing this new song for my band is that "hope is alive" sounds a lot like "hope is a lie." Whoops...this one may not become a live show staple, as much as I like the guitar riffs...