Question:
Sup guys, here's a new song for ya'll to rip apart to your critical hearts' content:
Only as Lonely
I’m so tired of feeling so tired
And I’m too young to feel the aches in my bones
But if a man is an island unto himself
I’ve been cast away between glass and stone
Pitched out a bottle with a message inside
It reads “send help ASAP”
My heart is harder then I’d like to carry on
And it’s the wait that’s been crushing me
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out
Just breathe
So if I’m miserable
Then it’s all my fault
And if I’m so cynical
Well that’s all I’ve got
Cause you’re only as lonely
You’re only as lonely
You’re only as lonely
As you want to be
No friend a smile’s never foolish
But it’s always been taken for granted
And if you only knew how to use one
I might have fought the fears that dragged me to this
Down where my bright, bright future
Has fizzled out into a finely honed routine
I’m gazing out as the world spins idly by
All from behind a desperate lighthouse beam
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out
Just breathe
So if I’m miserable
Then it’s all my fault
And if I’m so cynical
Well that’s all I’ve got
First you’ll drown in apathy
Then build this prison brick by brick
And no you won’t be brave or selfless
Hiding will only make you sick
You’ll cry "Oh My God”
And then start to wonder where he is
Cause you’re still only as lonely
You’re only as lonely
As you want to be
I’m wearing out and wearing thin
I’m wearing the same old clothes again
I’m on my own and unemployed
I’m wide-awake I’m paranoid
Never even saw the warning signs
Running like hell just to make up time
Tell me friend won’t you be so kind
And try to crack a smile before it’s too late
Something’s got to give, something has to change
It’s time for an escape, I swear I’ll make it any day
I’ll push this raft straight into the waves
Just float on all my hopes and pray they’ll carry me away
Nothing left to lose
Except sight of the shore
The question becomes whether
I can weather out the storm....
Sinking into hell I hung on to the ropes
In vain I searched the skies for my only hope
Then you grabbed my lifeless hand
O you lifted my drenched head
You pulled this wreck back onto the land
Singing trying, just keep trying again
Till then I’m only as lonely
I’m only as lonely….
So if I’m miserable
Then it’s all my fault
And if I’m so cynical
I’ll work with what I’ve got
Cause I’m only as lonely
I’m only as lonely
I’m only as lonely
As I’m willing to be
Answer:
Full RC later on, but for now--what can one say but that you write almost perfect lyrics?
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova Sup guys, here's a new song for ya'll to rip apart to your critical hearts' content:
I'm cynical! Go go gadget critique!
Only as Lonely
I’m so tired of feeling so tired
And I’m too young to feel the aches in my bones The first line has been done before, so it's a bit of a disappointment to have it start off this song. I probably wouldn't mind so much if it was somewhere in the middle. I like the second line, however. It suggests that the aches are already there, just not felt yet. Nice.
But if a man is an island unto himself
I’ve been cast away between glass and stone
Pitched out a bottle with a message inside
It reads “send help ASAP”
My heart is harder then I’d like to carry on
And it’s the wait that’s been crushing me The "wait" pun is clever, but it won't come across when someone just hears it. Most people will just hear it as a pretty standard line. But I like the metaphor of man as an island in this first verse.
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out
Just breathe This could work as a build with the right music, but it doesn't do much by itself. Good thing it's a song.
So if I’m miserable
Then it’s all my fault
And if I’m so cynical
Well that’s all I’ve got
Cause you’re only as lonely
You’re only as lonely
You’re only as lonely
As you want to be I could sing along to this. I think it works.
No friend a smile’s never foolish
But it’s always been taken for granted
And if you only knew how to use one
I might have fought the fears that dragged me to this
Down where my bright, bright future
Has fizzled out into a finely honed routine
I’m gazing out as the world spins idly by
All from behind a desperate lighthouse beam This seems a little awkward rhythmically, but I can't fault the word choice and imagery. I like it.
First you’ll drown in apathy
Then build this prison brick by brick
And no you won’t be brave or selfless
Hiding will only make you sick
You’ll cry "Oh My God”
And then start to wonder where he is
The last two lines are great, but the first four lines of this part could use some work. They switch between showing and telling. Y'know, maybe it's just the "hiding will only make you sick" line. It just doesn't work for me.
I’m wearing out and wearing thin
I’m wearing the same old clothes again
I’m on my own and unemployed
I’m wide-awake I’m paranoid
Never even saw the warning signs
Running like hell just to make up time
Tell me friend won’t you be so kind
And try to crack a smile before it’s too late First four lines: fantastic. Last four just don't stack up.
Something’s got to give, something has to change
It’s time for an escape, I swear I’ll make it any day
I’ll push this raft straight into the waves
Just float on all my hopes and pray they’ll carry me away I like the last two lines of this stanza. Great image.
Nothing left to lose
Except sight of the shore
The question becomes whether
I can weather out the storm.... Good continuation of the image here. Strong stuff.
Sinking into hell I hung on to the ropes
In vain I searched the skies for my only hope
Then you grabbed my lifeless hand
O you lifted my drenched head
You pulled this wreck back onto the land
Singing trying, just keep trying again Again, good continuation of the image. In my mind these last three stanzas are the strongest part of the song.
You have some great lines here and some great images, but they're somewhat let down by the mediocre lines. There are no truly bad lines here, but the quality of some of them makes me want the rest of them to be just as good. I think this could be revised and come out a stronger song. Work with the images you have and see if you can wring more out of them.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova Sup guys, here's a new song for ya'll to rip apart to your critical hearts' content:
I don't know how much I can rip, but I'll do my best.
Only as Lonely This reminds me of Hawthorne Heights.
I’m so tired of feeling so tired
And I’m too young to feel the aches in my bones
But if a man is an island unto himself
I’ve been cast away between glass and stone
Pitched out a bottle with a message inside
It reads “send help ASAP”
My heart is harder then I’d like to carry on
And it’s the wait that’s been crushing me I have to agree with Skeeter on the first line, it's a touch cliche. I really like the second line, though, and can't find much to criticize in the rest of the verse, save again, where Skeeter did with the 'wait' pun being somewhat ambiguous if heard, as opposed to seen.
Breathe in
Breathe out
Breathe in
Breathe out
Just breathe I actually like this part, I think it adds clarity to what you're trying to say, and emphasizes a feeling of monotony and frustration. So if I’m miserable
Then it’s all my fault
And if I’m so cynical
Well that’s all I’ve got
Cause you’re only as lonely
You’re only as lonely
You’re only as lonely
As you want to be This reeks of upbeat sing-a-long. I like it.
No friend a smile’s never foolish
But it’s always been taken for granted
And if you only knew how to use one
I might have fought the fears that dragged me to this
Down where my bright, bright future
Has fizzled out into a finely honed routine
I’m gazing out as the world spins idly by
All from behind a desperate lighthouse beam Slightly weaker than the first verse, I still like it. One thing that doesn't make sense is 'down' and "behind a desperate lighthouse beam." To be behind a beam, you couldn't be 'down'. A small point, I suppose, but there it is.
First you’ll drown in apathy
Then build this prison brick by brick
And no you won’t be brave or selfless
Hiding will only make you sick
You’ll cry "Oh My God”
And then start to wonder where he is I like it, except that a few of the lines at least are somewhat cliche, but still, I like it.
I’m wearing out and wearing thin
I’m wearing the same old clothes again
I’m on my own and unemployed
I’m wide-awake I’m paranoid
Never even saw the warning signs
Running like hell just to make up time
Tell me friend won’t you be so kind
And try to crack a smile before it’s too late I love this part. This is one of the stanzas that made me say what I did yesterday. The last line is weaker than the others, but still strong.
Something’s got to give, something has to change
It’s time for an escape, I swear I’ll make it any day
I’ll push this raft straight into the waves
Just float on all my hopes and pray they’ll carry me away This isn't quite the armor-plated juggernaut the other was, but it's still excellent.
Nothing left to lose
Except sight of the shore
The question becomes whether
I can weather out the storm.... This is awesome. Your sense for off-hand wordplay is amazing.
Sinking into hell I hung on to the ropes
In vain I searched the skies for my only hope
Then you grabbed my lifeless hand
O you lifted my drenched head
You pulled this wreck back onto the land
Singing trying, just keep trying again Good stuff, good stuff.
This song could do with some touching up, but it's got fantastic underpinnings. Excellent song, as always.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Inspector Skeeter I'm cynical! Go go gadget critique! Ha ha, what the heck man!
The "wait" pun is clever, but it won't come across when someone just hears it. Most people will just hear it as a pretty standard line. But I like the metaphor of man as an island in this first verse. Yeah, I realize you'll actually have to read it to fully appreciate the line, but like you said, it works well enough interpreted either way so I'm content with it.
This could work as a build with the right music, but it doesn't do much by itself. Good thing it's a song. No kidding, I'd be screwed if this was a poem
The last two lines are great, but the first four lines of this part could use some work. They switch between showing and telling. Y'know, maybe it's just the "hiding will only make you sick" line. It just doesn't work for me. I realize that I'm breaking one of the fundamental unwritten songwriter's rules by doing so, but these lines are really intended to tell more then they show. They intentionally stick out pretty sharply from the rest of the song.
And I've already been toying with the "hiding" line because I'm not too fond of it either. Do you think just a small change like, say, "The hiding only makes you sick" would work any better?
In my mind these last three stanzas are the strongest part of the song. I'm really glad to hear this. My main concern has been that I might be dragging the imagery out for too long in those last few stanzas.
You have some great lines here and some great images, but they're somewhat let down by the mediocre lines. There are no truly bad lines here, but the quality of some of them makes me want the rest of them to be just as good. I think this could be revised and come out a stronger song. Work with the images you have and see if you can wring more out of them. Yeah, there are definately still a few kinks to work out, and I'll see what I can do.
Originally Posted by Small This reminds me of Hawthorne Heights. Hmmm, that could hurt me.......
I have to agree with Skeeter on the first line, it's a touch cliche. I really like the second line, though, and can't find much to criticize in the rest of the verse, save again, where Skeeter did with the 'wait' pun being somewhat ambiguous if heard, as opposed to seen. Noted.
This reeks of upbeat sing-a-long. I like it. Yeah, the chorus is pretty much 'round the campfire material. Truth be told, considering the way that "only as lonely" rolls off the tongue, singing this part can be kind of addicting.
Slightly weaker than the first verse, I still like it. One thing that doesn't make sense is 'down' and "behind a desperate lighthouse beam." To be behind a beam, you couldn't be 'down'. A small point, I suppose, but there it is. The one consistent criticism I almost always get from somebody is that the 2nd verse is always weaker then the first one. It's not a big deal, but I always find that interesting, even though I tend to agree.
Anyway, the "down" and "lighthouse" lines are two seperate images, but you bring up an interesting point though, and one which I never would of thought of on my own. I can kind of see how somebody could interpret the lines like that, but I guess all I can do is hope that won't be the case very often.
This song could do with some touching up, but it's got fantastic underpinnings. Excellent song, as always. Your too kind young sir.
Thanks again for the RCs guy, as they're always very much appreciated.