Question:
Here is a folky song I wrote, I guess furthering my hippie status...
Hate
On the east side of Jerusalem
A Jewish boy just cried to sleep
He was born into an endless war
Instilled with hatred deep
He doesn't know why he's so hated
Why this is all he knows in life
The lies told about his people
He just says this and joins the strife:
"I don't know why they're so angry
Or if we share the same disease
All I know is that they killed my dad
And they'd just as soon kill me"
Not too far away in Palestine
Another boy stands in the street
He hears bombs and watches soldiers
Another fight which soon repeats
He doesn't know why he's so hated
Why this is all he knows in life
The lies told about his people
He just says this and joins the strife:
"I don't know why they're so angry
Or if we share the same disease
All I know is that they killed my dad
And they'd just as soon kill me"
In a shop in New York City
A boy was changed at age thirteen
Now he's signed up for the army
Fighting men he's never seen
He doesn't know why he's so hated
Why this is all he knows in life
The lies told about his people
He just says this and joins the strife:
"I don't know why they're so angry
Or if we share the same disease
All I know is that they killed my dad
And they'd just as soon kill me"
If you want to right the wrongs,
Do what's right and not what wronged.
If you want to right the wrongs,
Do what's right and not what wronged.
Answer:
I like it. Some of the lines seem slightly forced, but in general, it's nice and hippie-ish.
Answer:
The life/strife rhyme is really cliched, but you make it work. Great song, great message.
Answer:
Normally I would crucify you on the cross of bad songwriting for "life/strife" but it fits into the context of the song well enough that it works. "Instilled with hatred deep" is awkward, because you're forcing the rhyme. Other than that, this is solid songwriting. Good job.