Question:
Well...first song I've ever posted in this forum. Have fun with it. Note: Italicized lines are meant to be screamed/whispered/otherwise differentiated.
Jigsaw
The pieces begin to fall
Crashing down around us all
The edges break the skin
Can’t you see? We cannot win
There’s no time left to stall
This is where it all begins
This is where it all begins (Echo)
This is where it all starts off (Echo)
This is how we all come loose (Echo)
This is how we break away (Echo?)
Fighting on, fighting on
Your walls are crumbling,
Your feet are stumbling
Running pell-mell
Through your shattered, frozen hell
As you’re mumbling
Some dreamed-up counter-spell
But that can’t save you now
It’s far too late
But that can’t save you now
You’ve let your haste
Get the best of you
Giving up, giving up
Can you feel it,
Your illusory respite?
Resigned to wait
For the hand of fate
To come and deal your death blow
Why do you wait?
Death will do you no good
Why do you wait?
You can escape this
If you just find the exit
Gaining control, gaining control
The pieces start to fit
Into this mould, backlit
By the moon-lit sky
Which simply passed you by
Until now
But now you see
Neither haste nor stopping aids you
When you can’t see
Anything but the ground at your feet
Look up and see
In the sky, in the sky
Light, love, trust, hope, and peace
Looking down upon the
Parched landscape of your inner thoughts
No longer do you need to be lost
You are now found
Here with us
You can find true rest
Here with us
You can find all you seek
And more
So...what d'you think?
-Sazzy
Answer:
Comments? Anyone? Anyone at all? ...Bueller?
-Sazzy
Answer:
Hey sazzy!
I like it....I esp. like the first verse/intro part. Do you have music for it?
Answer:
Hey, santiago.
I don't have any music for it yet...workin' on that, though. Thanks for the feedback! =)
-Sazzy
Answer:
Cool! I have a hard time writing music for my songs...argh!
Answer:
Still sorta working on music for this song. Anyone else have any suggestions? Also, should I post some more songs that I've written? Lemme know.
-Sazzy
Answer:
yea this song is pretty cool, I think it would go gould with slow tempo first and then douring, and after the chorus it could go a little or a lot faster, maybe some distortion!
Answer:
Originally Posted by legendary_chin yea this song is pretty cool, I think it would go gould with slow tempo first and then douring, and after the chorus it could go a little or a lot faster, maybe some distortion! Hmm. That might work. I was personally thinking of something sort of slow, but fairly heavy. Thanks for the feedback!
-Sazzy
Answer:
Originally Posted by sazahko Well...first song I've ever posted in this forum. Have fun with it. Note: Italicized lines are meant to be screamed/whispered/otherwise differentiated. I'm going to have fun with it.
Jigsaw
The pieces begin to fall
Crashing down around us all
The edges break the skin
Can’t you see? We cannot win
There’s no time left to stall
This is where it all begins I like your rhyming scheme here. AABBAB is a slightly unusual structure for songwriting, so it makes it fresh and different. The lyrics are a little vague, though. The first three lines set up an interesting metaphor extending out from the title, but the last three lines are a bit disappointing in comparison.
This is where it all begins (Echo)
This is where it all starts off (Echo)
This is how we all come loose (Echo)
This is how we break away (Echo?) These lines are a little dull, but with the right musical backing, they could provide a nice build into a chorus.
Fighting on, fighting on
Your walls are crumbling,
Your feet are stumbling
Running pell-mell
Through your shattered, frozen hell
As you’re mumbling
Some dreamed-up counter-spell
But that can’t save you now
It’s far too late
But that can’t save you now
You’ve let your haste
Get the best of you "Pell-mell" is a little odd and seems out of place. Again, I like the rhyme scheme; very interesting structure. "Shattered, frozen hell" needs to be expanded on or explained somehow; why is hell frozen for this person? Why is it shattered? How did it happen? I really like "As your mumbling/Some dreamed-up counter-spell."
Giving up, giving up
Can you feel it,
Your illusory respite?
Resigned to wait
For the hand of fate
To come and deal your death blow
Why do you wait?
Death will do you no good
Why do you wait?
You can escape this
If you just find the exit "Illusory respite" has a nice ring to it. I like it. The last line, however, is a little plain.
Gaining control, gaining control
The pieces start to fit
Into this mould, backlit
By the moon-lit sky
Which simply passed you by
Until now
But now you see
Neither haste nor stopping aids you
When you can’t see
Anything but the ground at your feet
Look up and see The first four lines are very nice. Good rhyming.
In the sky, in the sky
Light, love, trust, hope, and peace
Looking down upon the
Parched landscape of your inner thoughts
No longer do you need to be lost
You are now found
Here with us
You can find true rest
Here with us
You can find all you seek
And more The firs four lines are alright, but they could be better. Throughout the rest of the song you're using rhyme very well, but here nothing rhymes. The closest you get is "thoughts/lost" but it would be better if you continued the rhyming schemes you set up in the rest of the song.
The main problem I see in this song is a lack of clarity. We never really know what the person is seeking, why moving quickly or slowing down is a bad (or good) idea, or what is even really happening to the person. You've got some really nice lines in this song and some good structure to build it on, but I think if you edited it for clarity, you'd have a much stronger song.
Take the first verse, for example. You move from a strong metaphor of puzzle pieces into something generic. "This is where it all begins." This is where what begins? You never let us know what "it" is referring to, so we never know what to look for in the rest of the song. As a piece of general advice, avoid using the word "it" in your songwriting, unless you have something specific to connect it to. "It" is generally a useless word. If, in the first verse, you give us something more specific to hold onto instead of "it," you will give us a framework to slot the rest of the song into, just like a puzzle. When you're doing a puzzle you always do the outside edges first: you have to do that in your songwriting too.
This is a promising start and I'd love to see more of your songs. Keep writing!
Answer:
Wow. Thanks a ton, Skeeter. Very helpful and appreciated.
As to the vagueness...yeah, I'd kind of noticed that before. I've had a couple people ask me what was going on in the song, and I can usually make it a bit clearer, but I understand that I should clarify it within the song itself. I'll work at it. Thanks again, man. I'll put another song or two up soon.
-Sazzy
Answer:
Sweet, I'm glad to help.
Keep in mind that if you put out an album or play a show, you're not going to be able to sit beside your listener explaining the lyrics. The song has to make sense by itself.
Answer:
Right.
'Kay. So for the first part, I'm thinkin' something like this:
The pieces begin to fall
Crashing down around us all
The edges break the skin
Yet you feel no pain within
There’s no time left to stall
Soon you will see where you've been
Not sure how I feel about the last line...still kinda workin' with it.
Then, I ripped out the idea of the next section, and I'm trying to sort of fit some explanatory-type deal in there so the next sections are a little clearer. How's about...this:
Cut off from the world above
No longer can you feel love
Your solitude is crushing
Your dreams, which now are nothing
Cold and lone, you move on
Fleeing, yet seeking, the dawn
I also thought about switching these around a bit and utilizing the AABBAB scheme I used earlier (Cut off from the world above/Your solitude is crushing/etc.). Any thoughts?
More renovations. Last section, I shredded and added this:
(In the sky, in the sky)
Release
Knowing that you finally
Can become free
You abandoned your conscience
Inside of sleep
Never wondering if this was
Really a dream
Who are you now?
Who were you then?
These are your questions
They’ll plague you ‘till the end
What you have learned,
Now that the days have turned
Is that one man
Cannot succeed
In his pursuits
In purpose, meaning, or deed
Filled with apathy
This can only lead to...
Hell
Rhyming scheme on both sections are new to the song, which I'm not sure is a good thing in the last two parts of a song...but hey. Maybe it'll make people sit up and listen. I'm not real sure about either of these sections. They both need some polishing and such, for sure, but this might be a decent start. I dunno.
So...is this song a bit clearer? Did I mess it up even more...? Feedback = awesome.
-Sazzy
Answer:
Originally Posted by sazahko Right.
'Kay. So for the first part, I'm thinkin' something like this:
The pieces begin to fall
Crashing down around us all
The edges break the skin
Yet you feel no pain within
There’s no time left to stall
Soon you will see where you've been The only major thing that caught my attention is "The edges break the skin" is overly reliant on "the". I'd suggest "The edges break your skin." or something similar, without the repetition.
The fourth line seems a mite strained. Not sure how I feel about the last line...still kinda workin' with it. It doesn't add much at the moment. It's not intrinsically a bad line, but it doesn't come off very well right here.
Then, I ripped out the idea of the next section, and I'm trying to sort of fit some explanatory-type deal in there so the next sections are a little clearer. How's about...this:
Cut off from the world above
No longer can you feel love
Your solitude is crushing
Your dreams, which now are nothing
Cold and lone, you move on
Fleeing, yet seeking, the dawn I like it. Offhand, the second and fourth lines feel odd again, and on the fifth line, "lone" should be 'lonely' or 'alone.' I believe. I very well might be wrong on that. I also thought about switching these around a bit and utilizing the AABBAB scheme I used earlier (Cut off from the world above/Your solitude is crushing/etc.). Any thoughts? I think if you can swing it, that'd be nice. More renovations. Last section, I shredded and added this:
(In the sky, in the sky)
Release
Knowing that you finally
Can become free
You abandoned your conscience
Inside of sleep
Never wondering if this was
Really a dream
Who are you now?
Who were you then?
These are your questions
They’ll plague you ‘till the end
What you have learned,
Now that the days have turned
Is that one man
Cannot succeed
In his pursuits
In purpose, meaning, or deed
Filled with apathy
This can only lead to...
Hell The first section switches tenses from the rest of the song, which is an adjustment for your listeners, but not necessarily a bad thing, either.
"The end" annoys me, as does "Now that the days have turned" they both seem a little bit stilted, and not really up to par with what you've done in other parts of the song. That said, if they need to be like that, it shan't be the end of the world.
The entire expository tone of the last part grates just a little bit, but that is fairly necessary. It seems almost as if you've come through the whole song and now are tacking a moral on the end. That said, I'm not sure what else you could do to bring out your point well. Rhyming scheme on both sections are new to the song, which I'm not sure is a good thing in the last two parts of a song...but hey. Maybe it'll make people sit up and listen. I'm not real sure about either of these sections. They both need some polishing and such, for sure, but this might be a decent start. I dunno. Right. They need polishing, but it's a good start.
So...is this song a bit clearer? Did I mess it up even more...? Feedback = awesome.
Honestly, I'm not sure. It is clearer, but some of the lines I like less in the new version. That may simply be because they're not as polished and worked over as in the original.
And don't mistake-it's got a lot of potential. It isn't a 'messed up song'. It was a pleasant change to most of the first time songs people post on the boards. Keep posting them.
Answer:
Thanks a ton, Small. I'll remember your advice. Dunno if I'll have the time to actually work on it anytime soon, but we'll see. I might just go ahead and post another song or two in the meantime, so I can go on an editing spree whenever I get some free time. Thanks again, man!
-Sazzy
Answer:
Definitely post more songs. Also, if you feel inclined, critique some of the other songs here in the Songwriting forum. It can really help your own songwriting to analyse someone else's song.