Question:
Here's my latest song, I've had the chorus set for a while but the rest of the lyrics just came together earlier this evening. I don't think this is my strongest work, but I'd still appreciate some critiques anyway:
The Martyr you Love
V1
Did you ever read my note?
Cause it goes on to tell
About how my halo fell
How I tried to live a lie
And pray no one would ever know
I'm a walking travesty
Never was invincible
So I fled into the darkness
To cradle newfound wounds
growing decayed and calloused
while insomnia never soothes

Pre Chorus
A bottle of misery tall enough for two
Just one more sip and then I'm through
Ready to bruise life and limb for you
Whenever your heart is ready
Chorus
I'll be the martyr you love
I'll be the lover you need
I need this skin to bleed
A flame to fall in between
Desperate for any means to purify myself
V2
Do the scars still even show?
After all I bought this new suit
And learned to straighten out my tie
Now I'm thumbing through my wallet
Clutching pictures that you gave me
Did I ever stop to say
That you have such beautiful eyes
Now the stars are shining down
Like beacons for my warning,
Wear your favorite Sunday dress
I'll come running when its morning
Pre chorus
Chorus
Bridge
With all of our might
Or perhaps in spite
Of all that we do
A pair of self righteous fools
On a quest for faded glory
My own life story
If this love can be redeemed
By whatever means
Then please vindicate me
Whenever your heart is ready
I'll be the martyr you love, darling
I'll be the martyr you love, baby
Oh God, I need to bleed
Inhale the air that she breathes
I'm so desperate and willing
Please purify me
------------------------------------
I know that the rhyme schemes of the verses are slightly different, but they flow well enough with the music. Have at it guys.
Answer:
Oh crap, would one of the mods be kind enough to put RC in the title? Thanks.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SupaNova The Martyr you Love Good title.
V1
Did you ever read my note?
Cause it goes on to tell
About how my halo fell Good intro to the song. I like the last line here.
And why I had to leave
to season all this these wounds
Feels like it burns
Even though it soothes
Taking time to learn
How to be a gentlemen
So I can end another
Vain search for sleep again Not bad. It's a bit jumbled together; the lines don't seem to flow well thematically, thought they flow well otherwise.
Pre Chorus
A bottle of misery tall enough for two
Just one more sip and I'm through
Ready to bruise life and limb for you
Whenever your heart is ready I like the restraint in the third line: "bruise" rather than risk. I would suggest making the second line "just one more sip and then I'm through" as that seems to flow better as I'm reading it.
Chorus
I'll be the martyr you love
I'll be the lover you need
I need this skin to bleed
A flame to fall in between
Desperate for any means to purify myself I like this except for the third line. It doesn't seem to fit very well.
V2
Do the scars still even show?
After all I bought this new suit
And learned to straighten out my tie Nice.
Now I'm thumbing through my wallet
Clutching pictures that you gave me
Did I ever stop to say
That you have such beautiful eyes
Now the stars are shining down
Like beacons for my warning,
Wear your favorite Sunday dress
I'll come running when its morning This verse is much more coherent. I like it.
Bridge
With all of our might
Or perhaps in spite
Of all that we do
A couple of self righteous fools
On a quest for faded glory
My own life story
If this love can be redeemed
By whatever means
Then please vindicate me
Whenever your heart is ready Great bridge.
I'll be the martyr you love, darling
I'll be the martyr you love, baby
Oh God, I need to bleed
Inhale the air that she breathes
I'm so desperate and willing
Please purify me Again with the bleeding, and it still doesn't seem to fit. I'd rather see something more with the inhaling metaphor here.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Not bad. It's a bit jumbled together; the lines don't seem to flow well thematically, thought they flow well otherwise. Yeah, I tried to smash a few different thoughts into the verses. I'll hopefully find some time to work on making the 1st one flow a bit better.
I would suggest making the second line "just one more sip and then I'm through" as that seems to flow better as I'm reading it. Thanks for the suggestion, I think I'm going to add "then" into the line.
Again with the bleeding, and it still doesn't seem to fit. I'd rather see something more with the inhaling metaphor here. Is there any particular reason why the bleeding metaphor doesn't fit, or does it just seem awkward when you're reading the lyrics?
Anyone else have any thoughts?
Answer:
I don't know why the "bleeding" metaphor just doesn't strike me as fitting. It may be because it is overused so much, especially in emo music.
Answer:
I just edited the first verse, so hopefully it seems a bit more coherent now. And to whom it may concern, I also made a couple of other minor changes.
Answer:
I really like this song. I like how you used words like travesty, insomnia and vindicate (all though of course i immediately thought of dashboard confessional when i saw that word). They are just cool words.
I can't really find anyhthing to say about it other than i'd like to hear it.
Answer:
Pretty nice. It has a very good flow to it, nice metaphors. I like the title. Good job!
Answer:
ok, here's my take on the whole blood thing. yes, it is overused, but that doesnt really matter, cause a good anology is priceless, when it fits. Blood sybolizes life. and if you want to "bleed" for someone, it means that you would give your life for them, in this case, that special someone who wears a dress, so i am going to assume that you will give your life for her. the question in my mind is "why". why would you give your life for her? it seems unprovoked... unnecisary.... if you could tell me why you need to "bleed for her" i would be satisfied... maybe try something in the bridge... it would resolve best there, since the song itself is resolved there... and im out.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Dirt_Jumper I really like this song. I like how you used words like travesty, insomnia and vindicate (all though of course i immediately thought of dashboard confessional when i saw that word). They are just cool words. Well, I never even used "vindicated" in a sentence until I bought the Spider Man 2 soundtrack, so the link to D/C is very accurate
Originally Posted by DAZZL ok, here's my take on the whole blood thing. yes, it is overused, but that doesnt really matter, cause a good anology is priceless, when it fits. Blood sybolizes life. and if you want to "bleed" for someone, it means that you would give your life for them, in this case, that special someone who wears a dress, so i am going to assume that you will give your life for her. Your right, blood usually does symbolize life, but I twisted it around for this song.
the question in my mind is "why". why would you give your life for her? it seems unprovoked... unnecisary.... if you could tell me why you need to "bleed for her" i would be satisfied... First of all, I'm not actually bleeding for her. The bleeding, along with burning myself, is suppose to go along with the whole martyr metaphor. But instead of giving my life up for her, I'm sacrificing all of my sin and doubts to become the man she deserves. Hence all of the nonsence about being purified. Hope that explains the song a little better for you.