Question:
Please give me your input!!
"How Long"
I have fallen
What shall I do unto Thee?
A seemingly unforgivable act
My guilt it overwhelms my soul
An now I’m lost
Wondering what I should do
Is He there?
Or has he left me?
It is this sin that is haunting me…
How long will You stay with me? When I’m my rotting sinful self,
How long will You pardon all of my transgressions?
How long will You take away my iniquity…?
Will You ever leave me? I cannot face life alone…
He is still there
He has not left me
It was my foolish disbelief
That gave me all of my fear
I didn’t understand
What He is to me
And yet sometimes I forget
I become blind to the truth
…And lose control again an ask..
Answer:
Originally Posted by natedawg5280 Please give me your input!! Will do. First thoughts: this seems really awkward rhythmically. Do you have music for this song? Do the lyrics flow well with the melody? The seeming lack of rhythm and the lack of rhyming makes this song very strange to see put to music.
"How Long"
I have fallen
What shall I do unto Thee? "Unto Thee" seems a little formal for the personal thought you're expressing here. Since it doesn't rhyme with anything else, is there a particular reason why you used this phrase?
A seemingly unforgivable act
My guilt it overwhelms my soul There doesn't seem to be a reason for the "it" in the second line. "My guilt overwhelms my soul" flows much more evenly. That said, I like these two lines together.
An now I’m lost
Wondering what I should do
Is He there?
Or has he left me?
It is this sin that is haunting me… All well and good, but it is pretty blatant. I'd like to see a little more imagery. Show us what you mean rather than simply telling us. Relate your message to something we might experience in our lives, or better, something specific you've experienced in your life. How does the sin haunt you? What is your despair like? In what way are you lost? Spice up your meaning with some imagery.
How long will You stay with me? When I’m my rotting sinful self,
How long will You pardon all of my transgressions?
How long will You take away my iniquity…?
Will You ever leave me? I cannot face life alone… Not bad. This is the chorus, correct? What is the hook? What is it that's going to hold my attention and keep this song in my head. What line do you want to jump out at me? Give me something memorable! I do like what you're saying in this chorus, but it again seems very awkward rhythmically.
He is still there
He has not left me Yes! Even though I've been talking about imagery throughout, I like the plain and simple truth you put forth here.
It was my foolish disbelief
That gave me all of my fear What fear are you talking about here? It's not very clear what you're referring to. Here's where I'd like to see more imagery.
I didn’t understand
What He is to me
And yet sometimes I forget
I become blind to the truth
…And lose control again an ask.. Not bad, but those last two lines are cliché. I'd like to see your thoughts in this song. When did you feel like God had left? What did it feel like? What brought you out of it? What was it that showed you that God is still with you? Show us the message, don't simply tell us outright. Give us a story, or imagery. There's a reason Jesus always used parables: people remember stories or specific images more than they remember a message. Connect your meaning to something concrete and it will have more impact. Keep writing!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Will do. First thoughts: this seems really awkward rhythmically. Do you have music for this song? Do the lyrics flow well with the melody? The seeming lack of rhythm and the lack of rhyming makes this song very strange to see put to music.! no i don't have music yet.. i should work on that aspect though
Originally Posted by Skeeter "Unto Thee" seems a little formal for the personal thought you're expressing here. Since it doesn't rhyme with anything else, is there a particular reason why you used this phrase?! that's a good point...
Originally Posted by Skeeter "There doesn't seem to be a reason for the "it" in the second line. "My guilt overwhelms my soul" flows much more evenly. That said, I like these two lines together.! another good point..
Originally Posted by Skeeter "Not bad. This is the chorus, correct? What is the hook? What is it that's going to hold my attention and keep this song in my head. What line do you want to jump out at me? Give me something memorable! I do like what you're saying in this chorus, but it again seems very awkward rhythmically.
! I thought How Long would stick in your head for a while. An yes this is the Chorus..
Originally Posted by Skeeter "Yes! Even though I've been talking about imagery throughout, I like the plain and simple truth you put forth here.! thank you!
Originally Posted by Skeeter "What fear are you talking about here? It's not very clear what you're referring to. Here's where I'd like to see more imagery.! The fear that He had left me.
Originally Posted by Skeeter "Not bad, but those last two lines are cliché. I'd like to see your thoughts in this song. When did you feel like God had left? What did it feel like? What brought you out of it? What was it that showed you that God is still with you? Show us the message, don't simply tell us outright. Give us a story, or imagery. There's a reason Jesus always used parables: people remember stories or specific images more than they remember a message. Connect your meaning to something concrete and it will have more impact. Keep writing! Thank you for your input! yes i should include more personal info. An im glad you at least thought it was ok! peaceoutall
Answer:
an the lack of rythm could be made up with rap like lyrics (pillar/linkin park) thats just one of my options... i could make it a slower song (cept the chorus could be heavy) that's what im leaning towards..
Answer:
Rapcore is even more dependant on rhythm and rhyme than most styles of music, so I doubt that would work. A slower melody would probably be easier to work with.