Question:
Please RC
I was hoping that you wouldn't see
The sentimental side of me
Cuz I don't want you here
And now you're going to stay
Just when I was wishing
You would go away
(Chorus)
Now you will never leave me alone
I just want you to go home
Don't act like a little girl
Just leave me alone
I wasn't going to say
What I thought I just said
Standing here in the rain
I wish I was dead
Don't take me for a fool
You can't manipulate me
I just want you to
LEAVE ME ALONE!
Answer:
A bit of a misogynist, are we?
Answer:
Not really. This is the first song I've written like this. It came off of something I said to SecretAgentRat during an IM chat
Answer:
Originally Posted by The wirerat Please RC
I was hoping that you wouldn't see
The sentimental side of me
Cuz I don't want you here
And now you're going to stay
Just when I was wishing
You would go away Ha! For some reason I really like this opening verse. What a twist in the third line. There's some cliché wording here, but the regret at showing your sentimental side cracks me up. Good start.
(Chorus)
Now you will never leave me alone
I just want you to go home
Don't act like a little girl
Just leave me alone Weaker. It seems that once the twist in the first verse shows itself, you lose your teeth. This just isn't that interesting. I was hoping to hear more about your regret, but instead you go with the less interesting anger and selfishness...
I wasn't going to say
What I thought I just said
Standing here in the rain
I wish I was dead
Don't take me for a fool
You can't manipulate me
I just want you to
LEAVE ME ALONE! The idea of saying the wrong in thing out in the rain could work, but the clichés in this verse are killing me (ha, get it, I just used a cliché). I think with some rewriting, making it a bit more romantic, drawing out the moment in the rain a bit longer, this idea could work. Upping the romanticism in general in this song would be a great ironic twist.
The first verse is great, but the rest of the song just doesn't live up to it.
Answer:
Got any ideas?
I'm thinking of keeping the first three lines in the second verse.
but rewriting the chorus
here's a sample chorus
I wish I’d never talked with you
Never been interested in you
Because once I said the wrong thing
You took me for what I was
And now you’ve fallen in love
With the wrong me
Answer:
Sounds a little self-aggrandizing with "you took me for what I was." Perhaps she instead sees a fictional you that is better than the you that you actually are? If that makes any sense...
Answer:
here's a sample chorus
I wish I’d never talked with you
Never been interested in you
Because once I said the wrong thing
You took me for what I said I was
And now you’ve fallen in love
howzat?
Answer:
Better. "You took me for what I said I was" is a better line. The other lines could use some spicing up. They're very plain right now.