Question:
This is one I wrote that's about how when we say mean things to each other, it can hurt a lot.
Verse 1:
Looking out the window,
watching down the street,
I see you looking at me.
Blood is streaming down your cheek,
clearly you have not found what you seek.
I'm sorry I killed,
but the voice inside my head
was telling me that you needed to be dead.
I regret every single word I said
and the consequences I brought upon your head.
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed.
Chorus:
So cry me a river and I'll sell you a lie
that says everything will be alright.
I stabbed you through the heart with the words I said
and now I'm screaming as I see that you're dead.
I left you there to die without a thought of what I said
and I shot you straight through the head.
I'm saying this sincerely as I can,
I just want you to know,
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed.
Verse 2:
I'm watching myself through the looking glass
just to make sure I don't move.
I have to stay still,
so I don't take anyone else down
like I did to you.
I don't know why I did it
and I know it's not alright
but can we please get past this fight?
But wait, you're not forgiving me.
You're striking back with vengance
and you're giving in to your insecurities.
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed.
Chorus
Bridge thingy:
I finally realized why I say what I say,
so I fall onto my knees to pray.
And now I know forgivness is on its way,
but it's from the One who created yesterday.
Now can't you see why I'm so weak?
It's because I haven't learned how to speak.
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed
Love it or hate it. It's messy in places, but whatever.
Answer:
wow. that is really good! and it's totally true. most of the time people don't realize who much words can hurt.

Answer:
Originally Posted by J_freek wow. that is really good! and it's totally true. most of the time people don't realize who much words can hurt.
Thanks. I'll probably put a few more of my songs up later.
Answer:
awesome. they do take so long to post....
hey, check out the links in my sig!
Answer:
Originally Posted by J_freek awesome. they do take so long to post....
hey, check out the links in my sig!
Sure.
Answer:

Answer:
Originally Posted by akaukal This is one I wrote that's about how when we say mean things to each other, it can hurt a lot. Here comes the RC! Hopefully it won't be mean.
Verse 1:
Looking out the window,
watching down the street,
I see you looking at me.
Blood is streaming down your cheek,
clearly you have not found what you seek. This is a little vague here. The first few lines should give some indication of what the song is about, or at least give a setup to the situation. Right now I have no idea what is going on, which is kind of ironic given the "clearly" line at the end. At the moment it isn't the least bit clear.
I'm sorry I killed,
but the voice inside my head
was telling me that you needed to be dead.
I regret every single word I said
and the consequences I brought upon your head.
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed. "I'm sorry I killed" seems like a very awkward sentence as it does not have an object. It's just a sentence fragment without the object. You're sorry you killed...who, what? Also, because you haven't set up the situation as being about words and the grave consequences that our ungraceful mouths can bring about, it seems like you're literally painting a portrait of yourself as a murderer who literally killed the person you're singing about.
Chorus:
So cry me a river and I'll sell you a lie
that says everything will be alright.
I stabbed you through the heart with the words I said
and now I'm screaming as I see that you're dead.
I left you there to die without a thought of what I said
and I shot you straight through the head.
I'm saying this sincerely as I can,
I just want you to know,
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed. I really like the first four lines of this chorus, even though "cry me a river" is a horrendous cliché. I'd change that part if I were you. But I like the shift from stabbing with words to screaming. All verbal, which works well. Not as much a fan of the rest of the chorus.
Verse 2:
I'm watching myself through the looking glass
just to make sure I don't move.
I have to stay still,
so I don't take anyone else down
like I did to you. This is a bit of a shift from the previous theme. It would be best if you stuck with the murder image, perhaps discussing the panic of the situation, your futile efforts to repair it, etc.
I don't know why I did it
and I know it's not alright
but can we please get past this fight?
But wait, you're not forgiving me.
You're striking back with vengance
and you're giving in to your insecurities.
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed. You go from having the person completely "dead" to you, to alive and striking back. There needs to be some sort of transition here. The entire song you're apologizing for killing the person, but you also have these lines with the person alive and kicking. You need to be a little more consistent with your metaphor here.
Bridge thingy:
I finally realized why I say what I say,
so I fall onto my knees to pray.
And now I know forgivness is on its way,
but it's from the One who created yesterday.
Now can't you see why I'm so weak?
It's because I haven't learned how to speak.
I'm sorry...I'm sorry I killed This has potential, but I think it might work better as a desperate prayer, as in you just "killed" the person and you're desperately turning to the one solution you can think of.
Love it or hate it. It's messy in places, but whatever.
I don't hate it. It's got potential; you're working with imagery and metaphor, which is great, but it's still a little clumsy. If you're going to go with a specific image to carry a song, try to imagine it a little more fully. Try to express the panic of the situation, the desperation. If you've "killed" a friend with your words, that can be a very desperate situation. Follow the metaphor and see if it goes deeper. Don't jump from stabbing to shooting as well; stick with just one of them and fully explore the metaphor.
You've got potential. Stick with it! Keep on writing as often as you can!
God bless.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter Here comes the RC! Hopefully it won't be mean.
This is a little vague here. The first few lines should give some indication of what the song is about, or at least give a setup to the situation. Right now I have no idea what is going on, which is kind of ironic given the "clearly" line at the end. At the moment it isn't the least bit clear. I can see where you'r coming from. Actually reading it from a different perspective made your point much clearer.
"I'm sorry I killed" seems like a very awkward sentence as it does not have an object. It's just a sentence fragment without the object. You're sorry you killed...who, what? Also, because you haven't set up the situation as being about words and the grave consequences that our ungraceful mouths can bring about, it seems like you're literally painting a portrait of yourself as a murderer who literally killed the person you're singing about. "I'm sorry I killed" is supposed to sound fragmented. I meant for it to be like that. I realize now that I made it look too much like an actual murder.
I really like the first four lines of this chorus, even though "cry me a river" is a horrendous cliché. I'd change that part if I were you. But I like the shift from stabbing with words to screaming. All verbal, which works well. Not as much a fan of the rest of the chorus. Haha, "cry me a river" was just temporary words to put there until I could figure something else out. They're not permanent. And the rest of the chorus is terrible. I'm definetly changing it.
This is a bit of a shift from the previous theme. It would be best if you stuck with the murder image, perhaps discussing the panic of the situation, your futile efforts to repair it, etc. Maybe. I just didn't want to bore the listener. I was going for something like recovering from "killing" someone.
You go from having the person completely "dead" to you, to alive and striking back. There needs to be some sort of transition here. The entire song you're apologizing for killing the person, but you also have these lines with the person alive and kicking. You need to be a little more consistent with your metaphor here. This is where i make it clear that it was words that "killed" the person. I probably could have pulled it off a little better.
This has potential, but I think it might work better as a desperate prayer, as in you just "killed" the person and you're desperately turning to the one solution you can think of. I don't get what you mean here.
I don't hate it. It's got potential; you're working with imagery and metaphor, which is great, but it's still a little clumsy. If you're going to go with a specific image to carry a song, try to imagine it a little more fully. Try to express the panic of the situation, the desperation. If you've "killed" a friend with your words, that can be a very desperate situation. Follow the metaphor and see if it goes deeper. Don't jump from stabbing to shooting as well; stick with just one of them and fully explore the metaphor.
You've got potential. Stick with it! Keep on writing as often as you can!
God bless.
Thanks for all your comments.
Answer:
Wow, pretty good. I really like the line "Cry me a river and I'll sell you a lie". I haven't got the time for relentless criticism, but it's a pretty good song. I like it