Question:
I wrote this today. Started writing it about 20 minutes ago, actually. Tell me what you think.
I can't hear
I can't see
What you want me to be
I can't grasp
The concept
And I start to wonder
Why I'm here
What could my purpose be
Am I here for my own entertainment?
No, I've gotta know
I know there's something more
So tell me please! What could my purpose be?
I can't think
Concentrate
I can't put my thoughts in one place
I can't think
Concentrate
I have no focus
Why am I here
What could my purpose be
Am I here for my own entertainment?
No, I've gotta know
I know there's something more
So tell me please! What could my purpose be?
(SOLO)
Why am I here
What could my purpose be
Am I here for my own entertainment?
No, I've gotta know
I know there's something more
So tell me please! What could my purpose be?
Answer:
"Here for my own entertainment."
Answer:
I need to change the fourth, fifth and sixth lines of the chorus because I hate them. Any suggestions?
Answer:
Originally Posted by RubberChipmunk I wrote this today. Started writing it about 20 minutes ago, actually. Tell me what you think. Very well! I shall tell you what I think! Unfiltered, undiluted, Sith Lord of the Songwriting Forum style!
I can't hear
I can't see
What you want me to be Oosh, not a strong start. I can almost guarantee you I have something scarily similar written in one of my notebooks. This is unfortunately cliché.
I can't grasp
The concept
And I start to wonder This is more interesting than the first three lines.
Why I'm here
What could my purpose be
Am I here for my own entertainment?
No, I've gotta know
I know there's something more
So tell me please! What could my purpose be? Third line here is priceless. Very well done. The last line has a nice flow as well.
I can't think
Concentrate
I can't put my thoughts in one place I like the idea of putting your thoughts in a physical location. Perhaps that image could be explored more? Maybe not...
I can't think
Concentrate
I have no focus Not bad, but not great. The repetition of "concentrate" from the previous stanza is distracting.
(SOLO) w00t!
You've got some potential here in the chorus, but the verses are largely uninteresting. Set against some good, rockin' music, they could work, but if the lyrics are the focus of this song, they need improvement. Work from what you have, brainstorm, free associate, flip randomly through the dictionary, or whatever you need to do to jumpstart those verses.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter You've got some potential here in the chorus, but the verses are largely uninteresting. Set against some good, rockin' music, they could work, but if the lyrics are the focus of this song, they need improvement. Work from what you have, brainstorm, free associate, flip randomly through the dictionary, or whatever you need to do to jumpstart those verses.
Music and composition has always been my strong point. I'm trying to get good at writing lyrics, since, simply put, I suck at them. I'll look at the verses again in like a week or something, after a buttload of caffeine is put into my system. Thanks for the feedback.
Why does everyone seem to like the "Here for my own entertainment" line?
Answer:
Originally Posted by RubberChipmunk Why does everyone seem to like the "Here for my own entertainment" line?
1) It's just damn funny.
2) It's just damn clever.
Usually, when you ask if you're here "for entertainment," it's for someone else's entertainment.