Question:
V1
To you I’m a queen of spades
I’m on the top of your hand
I’m your winner number one beginner
When it’s over we’re out to dinner
But wait until this ace
Gets up in your face
I’ll be gone; I’ll be a two in your eyes
You be telling that ace a bunch of lies
B1
Now there’s something better and I’m a no one
I was fooled by voice and promise of fun
Chorus
I thought before was the time to fold
But playing cards it gets so old
Shuffling around and changing players
Feelings get stacked up in several layers
Thrown around bent up and curled
Sometimes traveling around the world
V2
Now someone else is showing me wealth
Promising me happiness and health
But it’s the same as ever
Oh, I’m so clever
An ace walks by here’s the sever
Your out with that whoever
It’s over again now I’m told
I’m not in your hand to hold
B2
Don’t go out with that joker
He’ll place a bet and win you over
Chorus
B1
Chorus
Discard
Answer:
It was a good idea, but it reads like a bad rap song.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate It was a good idea, but it reads like a bad rap song.
dang...at least i tried....you think i should rewrite it?
Answer:
No, I think you have some good lines in there... it's just WAY too many rhymes that feel forced.
Answer:
ok thanks
Answer:
there may have been two many ryhmes...but remember it doesn't have to ryhme...just flow....but the title is very good....and I thought the song was great, clever, and very true....I kinda disagree with Nate....I thought it was great...I'm not sure how you want the chorus...but that could definitely work as a verse....I think it could possibly be better that way....but I've noticed you write a lot and you're talented....
Answer:
Originally Posted by HolyRockJfreak and I thought the song was great, clever, and very true....I kinda disagree with Nate....I thought it was great
I think you misunderstand me. I don't dislike the song.
I think it is clever, and generally "well pulled off," but...
...you can't deny it has too many cheeky forced rhymes.
What could be a pretty nifty song (regardless of style)...
...turns out sounding rather trite... like most bad rap songs.
Answer:
Here's an example of it getting really out of hand:
Originally Posted by santiago An ace walks by here’s the sever
Your out with that whoever
It’s over again now I’m told
I’m not in your hand to hold
"Here's the sever?" C'mon. You can't just look in your thesaurus for a synonym for "break up," "separation," or whatnot and then stick it in because it rhymes. No one would ever say "Here's the sever," and the conversational quality of the rest of the lyrics just make it seem all the more awkward.
Then, we have the mortal sin of novice songwriters (and many professionals too!) of reversing common sentence structure for the sake of forcing a rhyme where it doesn't belong: "It's over again, now I'm told." Who talks like that? Yoda? Certainly not anyone I've ever met. It sounds poetic, but reads awful.
Answer:
I can see what you mean....it does look like you forced to many rhymes...just make it flow....
Answer:
Eeek! That's the hard part...I always defaultly make it rhyme in my head...i think I will try to rewrite this without the forced rhyming.
Thanks for the comments!