Question:
This is a song I wrote last April I think... I forgot about it. I was looking through everything I wrote last night and came upon this. I think I can work with it... The verses need a little touching up I think. Anyways, just let me know what you think.
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The water was calm as I set out to sea
Unaware of what lay ahead, this graceful tragedy
I saw her star at dawn, second to the right
Configured in the sky, on that pretty night
"Abandon! Abandon! She's got hold of your eyes
"Yes captain, my captain" I replied in the change of tide
The started with a lonesome drop of rain
As I repeated to myself her lovely name
But the storm grew jealous of my newfound joy
And tossed me around like a minature toy
"Abandon! Abandon! She's got hold of your heart!"
"Yes captain, my captain" I said as the sails tore apart
Out of love for the cowardly captain of mine
I abandoned ship at quarter past nine
And swam to my saftery in her open arms
And whispered in her ear "darling show me no harm"
"Abandon! Abandon! Her name's on your lips
"Yes captain, my captain" and there sunk the ship
Answer:
I like it....I think it would be even better if you added more to it...like a bridge or something....
Answer:
Originally Posted by HolyRockJfreak I like it....I think it would be even better if you added more to it...like a bridge or something....
Thanks. I haven't put music to it yet, so I don't know if a bridge would fit or not.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock Thanks. I haven't put music to it yet, so I don't know if a bridge would fit or not.
gotcha....but yeah once you put music to it...and if a bridge fits that would rock...
Answer:
[quote=Mattlock;2556869]This is a song I wrote last April I think... I forgot about it. I was looking through everything I wrote last night and came upon this. I think I can work with it... The verses need a little touching up I think. Anyways, just let me know what you think.
----
The water was calm as I set out to sea
Unaware of what lay ahead, this graceful tragedy
I saw her star at dawn, second to the right
Configured in the sky, on that pretty night It's okay. I don't entirely understand the 'graceful', and 'pretty' seems out of place, but otherwise, it's okay. "second to the right' is pushing the limits of forced rhyme, but I think it's okay.
"Abandon! Abandon! She's got hold of your eyes
"Yes captain, my captain" I replied in the change of tide Good stuff. I like this. The started with a lonesome drop of rain
As I repeated to myself her lovely name
But the storm grew jealous of my newfound joy
And tossed me around like a minature toy What I'm seeing here is that you're first using somewhat archaic phrasings, and wordings, and then suddenly you're being 'tossed around' I'd like to see 'around' changed.
The second line needs to change. "Abandon! Abandon! She's got hold of your heart!"
"Yes captain, my captain" I said as the sails tore apart Very good, I love the progression from the first chorus. Out of love for the cowardly captain of mine
I abandoned ship at quarter past nine
And swam to my saftery in her open arms
And whispered in her ear "darling show me no harm" "Out of love for the cowardly captain of mine"? I don't get it.
Other than that, it's good stuff. I love how you have a shanty feel through this entire song, and that's all that saves things like "Second to the right" and "quarter past nine", they add to the authenticity. It's got a ton of potential.
"Abandon! Abandon! Her name's on your lips
"Yes captain, my captain" and there sunk the ship Excellent ending.
I like this song a lot, but it conversely needs a lot of work.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Matt The water was calm as I set out to sea
Unaware of what lay ahead, this graceful tragedy
I saw her star at dawn, second to the right
Configured in the sky, on that pretty night I agree with Small, "graceful" and "pretty" both sound out of place the way you're using them here. The third line with the star charting lingo is a nice touch.
"Abandon! Abandon! She's got hold of your eyes
"Yes captain, my captain" I replied in the change of tide I like this, but the second line is longer the the first one. See if you can trim it down by a word or two.
The started with a lonesome drop of rain
As I repeated to myself her lovely name
But the storm grew jealous of my newfound joy
And tossed me around like a minature toy Try taking "myself" out of the second line. That's another line that looks like it may be just one syllabol out of sync with the rest of the song. Otherwise, this verse looks great.
"Abandon! Abandon! She's got hold of your heart!"
"Yes captain, my captain" I said as the sails tore apart I like this chorus a lot, but you may have the same rhythm problem that the other one has. Maybe you could pull out "I said"?
Out of love for the cowardly captain of mine
I abandoned ship at quarter past nine
And swam to my saftery in her open arms
And whispered in her ear "darling show me no harm" Wait, so are you in love with the captain? Is the girl your captain? Are there a bunch of captains on a plane? That confusing line aside, I really like this verse a lot. It finishes the story you've been telling really well. Unless you want to try messing around with this part musically, I don't even think that you need a bridge.
"Abandon! Abandon! Her name's on your lips
"Yes captain, my captain" and there sunk the ship This chorus is good too, and it also doesn't seem to have that flow problem your other choruses have.
Most of the time you'll be treading on dangerously cliche waters when writing songs with sea metaphors, but you've managed to use the metaphor in a fresh, creative way here. It's not the best song you've written Matt, but it's still pretty good.
Answer:
I really liked the choruses i wrote on this song, but the verses always seemed to be lacking. I looked at this with the intentions of retouching it a bit, and ended up completley rewriting it. I like it A LOT more than before. I realize that it may be a little vague, but I like to leave room for interpretation.
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The sea was calm as I set out to explore
Wonders and beauties that I could adore
Waves foreshadowed the events to occur
And the water turned to wrath upon meeting her
“Abandon! Abandon! She’s got hold of your eyes”
“Yes captain, my captain,” I said in the change of tide
Polaris failed me, I was sent off course
I should have headed west instead I went north
I took that pretty star straight through the night
Configured in the sky, second to the right
“Abandon! Abandon! She’s got hold of your heart!”
“Yes captain, my captain” and the mast fell apart
Thought I was safe in the eye of the storm
An amateur sailor, I haven’t been warned
Of the dangers to come when the tail end hits
But now I feel safe, ‘cause ignorance is bliss
“Abandon! Abandon! Her name’s on your lips!”
“Yes captain, my captain,” and there sunk the ship
Answer:
man...I don't have strong criticisms...I really enjoyed reading it!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock I really liked the choruses i wrote on this song, but the verses always seemed to be lacking. I looked at this with the intentions of retouching it a bit, and ended up completley rewriting it. I like it A LOT more than before. I realize that it may be a little vague, but I like to leave room for interpretation.
---
The sea was calm as I set out to explore
Wonders and beauties that I could adore
Waves foreshadowed the events to occur
And the water turned to wrath upon meeting her
“Abandon! Abandon! She’s got hold of your eyes”
“Yes captain, my captain,” I said in the change of tide
Polaris failed me, I was sent off course
I should have headed west instead I went north
I took that pretty star straight through the night
Configured in the sky, second to the right
“Abandon! Abandon! She’s got hold of your heart!”
“Yes captain, my captain” and the mast fell apart
Thought I was safe in the eye of the storm
An amateur sailor, I haven’t been warned
Of the dangers to come when the tail end hits
But now I feel safe, ‘cause ignorance is bliss
“Abandon! Abandon! Her name’s on your lips!”
“Yes captain, my captain,” and there sunk the ship
dude, Mattlock...that rocks....every line is solid....definitely like the changes....