Question:
V.1
I can lie awake at night
Wondering if things will ever get right
Somehow wondering if
There was something I missed
When you say it’s not to be
V.2
I could have killed a thousand men
Swarming like bees on me
To clear my head and stay alive
I can’t live if I have no will to survive
When you say it’s not to be
V.3
But I couldn’t sort out my thoughts
Kept coming up with it’s your faults
Screaming like I was alone
Getting lost on my cell phone
When you say it’s not to be
Chorus
I just needed to be alone
Getting lost on my cell phone
Won’t care if you talk to me
So shut the crap up and let me free
Just forget we ever happened
Don’t think of coveting me
Anymore
Outro/Bridge
I couldn’t formulate a plan
Listening to music on my discman
I went to take a walk
But it was so friggin cold by myself
With no one to cuddle up and keep warm
I could have sworn I still love you
Answer:
hmmm
Answer:
Good stuff.
Answer:
thanks
Answer:
You do have some very nice lines in here, but as a whole it's rather repetitive and... trite.
Originally Posted by santiago V.1
I can lie awake at night
Wondering if things will ever get right
Somehow wondering if
There was something I missed
When you say it’s not to be
This is alright, I guess, but not a particularly strong first verse.
V.2
I could have killed a thousand men
Swarming like bees on me
To clear my head and stay alive
I can’t live if I have no will to survive
When you say it’s not to be
This is stronger than the first verse. I'd switch them, at least.
V.3
But I couldn’t sort out my thoughts
Kept coming up with it’s your faults
Screaming like I was alone
Getting lost on my cell phone
When you say it’s not to be
I really like the first two lines ("coming up with 'it's your faults' is brilliant), and I really dislike the second two lines (one sure way to make a song not timeless is to reference current "high technology;" that's a recipe for a one-hit wonder style of song, here today and gone tomorrow).
Chorus
I just needed to be alone
Getting lost on my cell phone
Won’t care if you talk to me
So shut the crap up and let me free
Just forget we ever happened
Don’t think of coveting me
Anymore
Again, these first three lines just aren't all that great, and the reference to the cell phone ties this song to this particular decade. We'll have something new in a few years, for sure; what will your song mean then?
I think "shut the crap up and let me free" could be changed. Maybe play off of "free" and find an antonym or something to use in the first phrase; something like "lock your lying lips and let me free." I dunno.
The last three lines are alright, certainly the strongest part of your chorus here, I think. "Don't think of coveting me" is a little strange; I'm not sure whether you really meant "coveting" or just thought it sounded cool.
Outro/Bridge
I couldn’t formulate a plan
Listening to music on my discman
I went to take a walk
But it was so friggin cold by myself
With no one to cuddle up and keep warm
I could have sworn I still love you
The discman reference is even, umm, cheesier than the reference to the cell phone, as you're now referencing not just a tech product [of the past ], but a particular product. I guess it can work sometimes, but I'm not fond of it. I really really like the last line of the bridge, though. The rest of it is ok, but that last line is great.
Answer:
umm.... I'd say.. that's a good song..
good job
Answer:
Were you hoping for RCs? Because if so, you really ought to put (RC) in the thread title.
Answer:
WOW! Thank you Nate! I really appreciate the crit. I agree with everything you said except the cell phone thing. When I wrote the song I was getting over a relationship (obviously) with a girl i met in Costa Rica. I had just got a new cell phone and I would play games and listen to music to try to keep her off my mind. So I wanted to try to stick to that as much as I could. The same goes for the discman. I called it a walkman she called it a discman....so i just wanted to put that in there. I understand that that can be confusing though for the person who doesn't know those things. So maybe I should substitute them.
I meant to put (RC). I just forgot.
Thanks everyone. It means alot to have someone post and critque my song.
santiago
Answer:
Originally Posted by santiago V.1
I can lie awake at night
Wondering if things will ever get right
Somehow wondering if
There was something I missed
When you say it’s not to be
V.2
I could have killed a thousand men
Swarming like bees on me
To clear my head and stay alive
I can’t live if I have no will to survive
When you say it’s not to be
V.3
But I couldn’t sort out my thoughts
Kept coming up with it’s your faults
Screaming like I was alone
Getting lost on my cell phone
When you say it’s not to be
Chorus
I just needed to be alone
Getting lost on my cell phone
Won’t care if you talk to me
So shut the crap up and let me free
Just forget we ever happened
Don’t think of coveting me
Anymore
Outro/Bridge
I couldn’t formulate a plan
Listening to music on my discman
I went to take a walk
But it was so friggin cold by myself
With no one to cuddle up and keep warm
I could have sworn I still love you
r u having relationship probs by any chance?
Answer:
Originally Posted by J_freek r u having relationship probs by any chance?
lol....