Question:
I am rather proud of this song. A friend of mine and I got together and worked on it, and the music so far is really cool (IMO). Tell me what you think. BTW, I'm typing this from memory, so I'll try to get it right
SINKING IN
CHORUS
I'm all that I will ever be
The world is crashing down on me
Hold my hand while it's sinking in
You're all that I have to look to
You are what is pulling me thru
Hold my hand while it's sinking in
VERSE 1
The world is laughing in my face
You got the best of me again
Could you just forget this one time
All the trouble I've gotten in
I'm not who I used to be
I've fallen deepre, deeper
Save me just this last time
I'm dying, I'm dying
CHORUS
VERSE 2
You've held me for what seems so long
Please don't let go of me now
Everything is changing around me
And I can't tell where I am
I'm still trying so hard to change
But I'm so scared to follow you
So I guess I'll have to walk by faith
I'm trying, I'm trying
CHORUS
TAG (this kinda varies, so I'm not gonna type it up)
CHORUS
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara I am rather proud of this song. A friend of mine and I got together and worked on it, and the music so far is really cool (IMO). Tell me what you think. BTW, I'm typing this from memory, so I'll try to get it right Cool, collaboration is always fun.
SINKING IN
CHORUS
I'm all that I will ever be
The world is crashing down on me
Hold my hand while it's sinking in
You're all that I have to look to
You are what is pulling me thru
Hold my hand while it's sinking in First off, I like what you're saying here. You've got a decent theme here. I like how you repeat the line "hold my hand while it's sinking in." It provides a nice catchy hook to the song.
However (and you knew there was going to be one), the long "oo" and "ee" rhymes are very overused in songwriting as they're the easiest sounds to rhyme with. I don't suggest you change them here, as you're too far in to the writing already, but keep it in mind for the future. Those rhymes aren't necessarily bad, but they often force you into clichés. It looks like that's what happened here. Other than the "sinking in" line, every line in this chorus is a cliché that's already been said in a great many other songs before.
VERSE 1
The world is laughing in my face
You got the best of me again
Could you just forget this one time
All the trouble I've gotten in Whoa re you referring to with "you" in the verse here. In the chorus you appear to be speaking to God, but here you're talking about someone getting the best of you, and it looks like you're referring to the world. If not, and you actually are referring to God, then I don't understand the line.
These lines are decent. Some cliché lines, but they're not too bad.
I'm not who I used to be
I've fallen deepre, deeper
Save me just this last time
I'm dying, I'm dying Not bad. Nothing too memorable, and there's a little more cliché here, but I like the thought expressed in line 3. Often we think to ourselves, we just need to be saved one more time, and then we'll be okay, then we can handle things ourselves. I know that probably wasn't your intended meaning, but it's something you could think about incorporating.
VERSE 2
You've held me for what seems so long
Please don't let go of me now
Everything is changing around me
And I can't tell where I am You dropped the rhyming in the second verse; is there any reason for that? Other than that, this is cliché again.
I'm still trying so hard to change
But I'm so scared to follow you
So I guess I'll have to walk by faith
I'm trying, I'm trying I like the "dying/trying" rhyme between verses. I like it when songs do that.
You've got a good message and theme here, but you have to start saying things in your own words. By using these clichés again and again, you're hurting your writing. Use your life experience and incorporate some imagery: show us the theme, don't just tell us. Think of things specific to you that demonstrate what you're trying to say.
You say that the "world is crashing down on you." How is it doing that? What does it feel like? What thoughts come to your mind when the world is crashing down? What are some other ways to express how it feels when your life seems to be falling apart? Use your own words: they'll be far more interesting than repeating what others have already said. Keep writing!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter First off, I like what you're saying here. You've got a decent theme here. I like how you repeat the line "hold my hand while it's sinking in." It provides a nice catchy hook to the song.
Thanks
However (and you knew there was going to be one), the long "oo" and "ee" rhymes are very overused in songwriting as they're the easiest sounds to rhyme with. I don't suggest you change them here, as you're too far in to the writing already, but keep it in mind for the future. Those rhymes aren't necessarily bad, but they often force you into clichés. It looks like that's what happened here. Other than the "sinking in" line, every line in this chorus is a cliché that's already been said in a great many other songs before. Yeah, I kinda knew that, but I didn't want to admit it. The whole song is somewhat cliche, but I like it anyway, and it's kinda late to start over I'll still work on it some though.
Whoa re you referring to with "you" in the verse here. In the chorus you appear to be speaking to God, but here you're talking about someone getting the best of you, and it looks like you're referring to the world. If not, and you actually are referring to God, then I don't understand the line. Yeah, I noticed that, too. I'm not sure how to re-write the line though. I'll work on it. Maybe just changing "you" to "it"?
These lines are decent. Some cliché lines, but they're not too bad. Thank you
Not bad. Nothing too memorable, and there's a little more cliché here, but I like the thought expressed in line 3. Often we think to ourselves, we just need to be saved one more time, and then we'll be okay, then we can handle things ourselves. I know that probably wasn't your intended meaning, but it's something you could think about incorporating. That was exactly my intended meaning. I'm glad you caught it
You dropped the rhyming in the second verse; is there any reason for that? Other than that, this is cliché again. The clichedness I'll work on (yet again) but yeah, it's not supposed to rhyme because I sing it a little differently there.
I like the "dying/trying" rhyme between verses. I like it when songs do that. Me too.
You've got a good message and theme here, but you have to start saying things in your own words. By using these clichés again and again, you're hurting your writing. Use your life experience and incorporate some imagery: show us the theme, don't just tell us. Think of things specific to you that demonstrate what you're trying to say.
13 year olds don't have much life experience to base their songwriting on, but I'm trying
You say that the "world is crashing down on you." How is it doing that? What does it feel like? What thoughts come to your mind when the world is crashing down? What are some other ways to express how it feels when your life seems to be falling apart? Use your own words: they'll be far more interesting than repeating what others have already said. Keep writing! hmmm... good point...
Thanks!!!
-Mara
Answer:
Yeah, it's hard to rewrite songs, especially after you've worked out the music and everything. Just keep in mind for the future that what you have to say on the subject is what we want to hear. Don't repeat what everyone else has to say. Say things your own unique way. Everybody has a unique personality, life, and perspective: use yours!