Question:
A new song (just finished it) I'd like to know what everyone thinks.
Of or Relating to Intellective Contortion
(verse)
I'll wrap you body in my mind
do you see the pressure?
eating me
inside to the outside
I'm bleeding
inside out your heaven
can you feel this hell
that
sucks me out of my shell
(chorus)
I wanna fall asleep holding
your mouth between my pinky and my thumb
between a hard and softened pallette of my own
I lay, silent gently breathing
heart beats
barely blinking
staring at the kiss in farthest corner of your mouth
I never, never, ever get at
(verse 2)
I'll tie, your feet onto my brain
and when you're running through my mind I'll feel
every solid impact of
your toe to heel
you start your journey and I'm praying
that you never stop
at any destination
maybe just take a break at a motel or two
(bridge)
I'll wrap your body round my mind and
for the thousandth time
I'll wander aimlessly right through
I'll take
we're given all the time we have
and I'm not one
for wasting every second
unless you want to waste them
cause that's alright too
Answer:
wow thats a really cool song. try as i might i can't put my finger on what wrapping their body around your mind ties into. it kinda seems like there are just random lines interjected. maybe with music and if i really had time to disect it all very carefully i'd get it.
Answer:
Thanks a lot
it ties in...it's kind of hard to explain though. Either you get it or you don't I guess. Try dissecting it more...maybe you'll get it?
Answer:
Very nice. Nice metaphors. Really creative. Also, can you read the song I posted and give some feedback? Thanks!
Answer:
Skilletswitch, I critiqued to your song.
Does anyone else have anything to say about my song?
Answer:
I'll get to it in a couple days. It'd be earlier, but I'm going away for the weekend.
Answer:
I really don't have a real critque right now, but I liked all of the "brain" imagery as well. Particularly the 2nd verse: I'll tie, your feet onto my brain
and when you're running through my mind I'll feel
every solid impact of
your toe to heel Good stuff man, keep up the good writing.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Griffon Of or Relating to Intellective Contortion
(verse)
I'll wrap you body in my mind
do you see the pressure?
eating me
inside to the outside Very nice. Good imagery.
I'm bleeding
inside out your heaven
can you feel this hell
that
sucks me out of my shell Bleeding doesn't seem to be used as a metaphor anywhere else in this song. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you don't explore it very much and it just seems a throwaway image.
(chorus)
I wanna fall asleep holding
your mouth between my pinky and my thumb
between a hard and softened pallette of my own
I lay, silent gently breathing
heart beats
barely blinking
staring at the kiss in farthest corner of your mouth
I never, never, ever get at I like it, but is there a hook in there?
(verse 2)
I'll tie, your feet onto my brain
and when you're running through my mind I'll feel
every solid impact of
your toe to heel Ha! Yes, I like it very much. Excellent image.
you start your journey and I'm praying
that you never stop
at any destination
maybe just take a break at a motel or two Good continuation of the previous thought and I like how you take it in a different direction. Good stuff.
(bridge)
I'll wrap your body round my mind and
for the thousandth time
I'll wander aimlessly right through
I'll take The last line here confuses me...is there supposed to be more?
we're given all the time we have
and I'm not one
for wasting every second
unless you want to waste them
cause that's alright too I like the last three lines here. Great stuff.
All in all, this is a fantastic song. There's a couple places that could be slightly improved, and I'd like to hear the music to see how the chorus works out, but I like the lyrics a lot. Excellent imagery without sacrificing meaning.
Answer:
Ha! Yes, I like it very much. Excellent image. hehe, the second verse is my favorite part there too.
I like it, but is there a hook in there? The hook is the very last two lines of the chorus.
"Staring at the kiss in farthest, corner of your mouth, that I never, never, ever get at" at least...I think it's a hook.
The last line here confuses me...is there supposed to be more? The bridge is actually broken up like this:
I'll wrap your body round my mind
(1 bar instrumental)
and for the thousandth time
I'll wander aimlessly right through
I'll take
we're given all the time
we have
and I'm not one
for wasting every second
unless you want to waste them
cause that's alright too Thanks for the critique!