Question:
hello this is jeromy edwards. i just wrote a song for my grandmother and i want to see what people think of it. it is a pop/folk song, inspired by the style that jack johnson plays out of hawaii. here it is, enjoy!
Its called like candy

Verse 1:
It doesn’t happen enough
And I really wish that I could
See you, just a little bit more
I hope that it’s all understood

That I love you just like everyone does
And maybe just a little bit more
Hugging you is like a candy bar
That I got at the candy store

Chorus:
And I don’t want you to worry
And I don’t wanna see you cry
Just give me a smile every once in a while
So I can know that you’re alright

Verse 2:
Im sorry that I never called you
The day that I left off to war
But I couldn’t stand to hear you cry
I just couldn’t take any more

Leaving family is like leaving the world
My heart feels empty inside
Still I would of liked to hear your voice
Maybe then it would be alright

Chorus:
But I don’t want you to worry
And I don’t wanna see you cry
Just give me a smile every once in a while
So I can know that you’re alright

Bridge: (in the same rhythm as the chorus)
Ever since I was a small boy
And now that I’m six feet tall
I loved you every inch between
And I could still love you some more

And I know that it seems like forever
Since the last time that you saw me
But if I saw you know I’d give you a smile
So you can know that I’m alright

Chorus:
And I don’t want you to worry
And I don’t wanna see you cry
Just give me a smile every once in a while
So I can know that you’re alright

Outtro:
Just give me a smile every once in a while
So I can know that your’re alright
give me your thoughts! thanks~
Answer:
I like it! Putting in the part about the war adds some depth to it. It's very nice. The only bad thing is that maybe you could work on the rhyming for the chorus...I know,rhyming's not everything..But I find a song more interesting when there's some nice rhyming going on.
Answer:
Originally Posted by drjekyll2003 I like it! Putting in the part about the war adds some depth to it. It's very nice. The only bad thing is that maybe you could work on the rhyming for the chorus...I know,rhyming's not everything..But I find a song more interesting when there's some nice rhyming going on.
The chorus has indirect rhyme on cry and alright
I think it's decent...theres always polishing that can be done...I'm sure hearing it with music would help out a bit...at times it almost sounds like a love song, which I don't doubt you love your granny but not in a romantic way I hope...
Answer:
This song is solid. I particularly like the bridge. I agree with Opie, though, that to really know what to say I'd have to hear it with music. Often whether a line comes off as simple and sincere or as cheesy depends on the melody and the prasing with which it's sung. There are a couple lines in this song that could go either way depending on the music. Overall, though, I like it.