Question:
I haven't posted a full song in here for a long while, so here's one I've been working on. You can even listen to a short recording of the song, which is missing the guitar solo, instrumental bridge, and repeated chorus at the end. Here's the lyrics, please critique, admire, or otherwise tear apart/lavish praise as you wish.
Complacency
Why do I continue in sin now that I am under grace?
I've become so numb to my actions, they seem so commonplace
Why do I take what I've lost and count it all as gain?
No longer slave to sin yet these shackles still remain
Chorus:
Complacency
Complacency
Complacent in the fact that you've forgiven me
(repeat)
I've become so calloused to the pain I cause myself
I stray too close to where I already fell
I have no passion for this life to which I'm called
I'm ao lukewarm and complacent, damn it all
Chorus
Answer:
Could I possible get some critique on this one? That would be lovely.
Answer:
Hmm...I feel like the lyrics don't capture a frustrated emotion very well, which is, what I'm guessing the song was borne out of. The melody does, and makes up for it somewhat. I'm not sure what I'd change. Part of me feels like the lyrics as is are too factual--they're stating a truth rather than capturing an emotion. On the other hand, there's a certain amount of rawness, in my mind, that comes from stating something pretty directly rather than hiding behind layers of imagery.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Jay Tea Hmm...I feel like the lyrics don't capture a frustrated emotion very well, which is, what I'm guessing the song was borne out of. The melody does, and makes up for it somewhat. I'm not sure what I'd change. Part of me feels like the lyrics as is are too factual--they're stating a truth rather than capturing an emotion. On the other hand, there's a certain amount of rawness, in my mind, that comes from stating something pretty directly rather than hiding behind layers of imagery. Hrm, I see what you're saying. The verses definitely simply state the truth, rather than using imagery and emotion to convey my meaning. I think what I was trying to do was simply write a song to God, letting loose my frustrations, if you will.
The fact is, I've had this chorus written down for almost a year, wrote the music a long time ago, and I've been stuck on the verses for the longest time. What I've got here is the first breakthrough I've had for a long time, and I definitely agree they need work. I don't know how much I can change them at this point, other than to scrap them and start over. I might just keep them for that rawness you mentioned. They're the kind of lyrics I'd just kind of bite off when I sing them, you know what I mean?
Answer:
i agree with jay tea. they seem to lack the emotion. you can see what's wrong plainly, but that's about it. it shows the listener your situation through someone else's eyes, but not really your own. they don't feel your emotion for themselves.
No longer slave to sin yet these shackles still remain i like that line. i can't really describe to you why. i just do
Answer:
i really like some of the lines you have, it sounds good to me, i see where it could like emotion, but i like the view its coming from..
Answer:
Thanks guys. I definitely think I need to rewrite the lyrics to the verses. I like a few of the lines but the rest are too obvious. I appreciate the critique.
Answer:
Well you know my opinion about swearing so i'm just going to save my breath.
but other than that i think it could use some work. i think it needs some imagery. it puts my in mind of a p&w song, literal and to the point. Which is good if you just want it to be easy to understand but it leaves me wanting a more colorful picture.
Answer:
I almost wonder if part of what brings it down is the rhythm/rhyme. I wonder if you could keep the more raw verbage if you got rid of the more polished rhythm...