Question:
This is the first couple verses of a song I'm working on. Critique away please.
Herbal Tea
Sitting in the corner
Back against the wall
Feet up on the table
Feeling very small
Don't think I have a purpose
Don't know what I should be
Just sipping on the surface
Enjoying herbal tea
Every part of my life
Is going to the dogs
Trading in my tennis shoes
For a pair of clogs
I don't want to be pushy
Don't want to be a pain
Just don't want my life
To be an ugly coffee stain
Answer:
I love it. Simple, concise, and yet loaded with imagery. Just a couple of things that might make it flow a tiny bit better (assuming you don't already have music for it)...
For a pair of clogs perhaps "wooden clogs" would fit your rhythm better?
Just don't want my life
To be an ugly coffee stain My brain wants to read this as "To end up as an ugly coffee stain", so the last two lines kind of merge a little.
Did the herbal tea have a signifigance I missed though? or just imagery?
Answer:
Just imagery at this point. It might take on more significance as I continue to write the song. I'll consider the changes you suggested. Cheers.
Answer:
As a Dutchman, I am highly offended at your insinuation that clogs are worse than tennis shoes.
Answer:
No I'm not...that was a solid line.
I love the couplet on sipping herbal tea.
Going to the dogs, though? I think you can do better. If it tied in with a metaphor you were working with, it'd fly better.
The last line doesn't click with me for some reason. I don't know if it's too far removed from the "tea" bit for me to make the connection right away, or what, but it just doesn't feel quite right.
Answer:
I very much agree with JT, you can do much better than "going to the dogs". something about the coffee stain line at the end I don't like either....but I love the herbal tea imagery. It makes me think of sitting in an older family run pub or something.
Answer:
Great imagery! I love it! Some of the lines were kind of iffy, but those were already pointed out. Good job!
Answer:
i don't like how the dogs...clogs rhyme sounds. i don't know why but it just seems immature sounding for lack of better words.
it would be great if you could tie in the herbal tea imagery a little more.
Answer:
Here's a complete revision of the song. Still not happy with it...
Herbal Tea
Sitting in the corner
Back against the wall
Feet up on the table
Feeling very small
Don't think I have a purpose
Don't know what I should be
Just sipping on the surface
Enjoying herbal tea
I'm sick of being lukewarm
So bitter and stripped down
I feel so weak and useless
I order another round
I miss the simple comfort
Of being gently steeped
Of sipping down the water
Of breathing in the steam
Chorus:
I'm drowning out my sorrow in herbal tea
Forget about tomorrow with herbal tea
I'm burning out your memory with herbal tea
I don't want to remember when you were with me
And the times we shared together
Smoke fills up the room
A gentle mist becomes a fog
Trading in my tennis shoes
For a pair of wooden clogs
I feel like laying down
Stay awake in bed
Feel like I could drown
With all that's swimming through my head
Answer:
The new version seems better. Very good job!!
Answer:
Looks good! One suggestion, not really an improvement so much as just a wierd idea.
I'm sick of being lukewarm
So bitter and stripped down
I feel so weak and useless
I order another round
I was thinking, if you change the last line to "can I have another round?", it'd be kinda like a side comment to the waitress as you sit there in the pub playing your song...
Like I said, just a wierd idea.
Answer:
ummm...what kind of "herbal" tea are you drinking? hehe
Very nice, very nice indeed. I really like the new version.
I'll critique it more when I get hom from work tonight.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Zealot_4_him I was thinking, if you change the last line to "can I have another round?", it'd be kinda like a side comment to the waitress as you sit there in the pub playing your song...
Like I said, just a wierd idea. No, no, that's a great idea. I like it.