Question:
I had another song with the same title a long time ago, which got nominated for one of those monthly contests. I personally don't think it belonged there, and I scrapped it.
So here's my new and improved version. Which is better, but not by a lot.
To Escape From a Moving Car
It was the first time in forever
Yet it seemed familiar to me
Our bound of honesty was severed
And it’s not easy letting go
Of the only thing I’m holding on to
The only thing I thought I knew
The first thing I thought to be true
And what is there to say
My thoughts are so impaired
I’ll act on sympathy
My train of thought completely lost course
And right now I’m hoping for a lie
In this frame of sickness and remorse
This time it’s easy letting go
So try escaping from
Another moving car
Just to add one more scar
Breathe a new life into this
Search for whatever we missed
When your embrace turned to shame
Or whatever it became
Answer:
Double-o Maro, in da house, breakin' it down!!! Hehe, okay, sorry
Originally Posted by Mattlock It was the first time in forever
Yet it seemed familiar to me
Our bound of honesty was severed
And it’s not easy letting go
Of the only thing I’m holding on to
The only thing I thought I knew
The first thing I thought to be true
Hm. I like this. You did a pretty good job. Maybe more imagery? I'm not sure what I mean by that. It's not a bad start though
Originally Posted by Mattlock And what is there to say
My thoughts are so impaired
I’ll act on sympathy This is good, too. I like the thoughts that you lay out. I can't complain about this part at all
Originally Posted by Mattlock My train of thought completely lost course
And right now I’m hoping for a lie
In this frame of sickness and remorse
This time it’s easy letting go Now I am kind of confused, because before, in the first verse, you said it wasn't easy letting go, and now it is. Maybe I am not thinking deeply enough. But overall, I like this verse thing a lot too
So try escaping from
Another moving car
Just to add one more scar Goodgood, me like.
Originally Posted by Mattlock Breathe a new life into this
Search for whatever we missed
When your embrace turned to shame
Or whatever it became
Ooh. I really like this part. Good job.
Okay, overall, I think you've got a very very good start. Maybe work on the beginning a bit, find new ways to phrase the different feelings and thoughts that you express. Good job, Mattbert! You are a very good writer. I am kind of sad to see the origional of this song go, though. I liked that song.
Mara
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mara Double-o Maro, in da house, breakin' it down!!! Hehe, okay, sorry Never again.
Hm. I like this. You did a pretty good job. Maybe more imagery? I'm not sure what I mean by that. It's not a bad start though I never can add imagery in certain places where I need it. Something I need to work on.
This is good, too. I like the thoughts that you lay out. I can't complain about this part at all Shaweet! Thanksabunches!
Now I am kind of confused, because before, in the first verse, you said it wasn't easy letting go, and now it is. Maybe I am not thinking deeply enough. But overall, I like this verse thing a lot too It's just what I'm writing about. There's sort of a "deeper" meaning to it, even though it's not very "deep."
Goodgood, me like.
Okay, overall, I think you've got a very very good start. Maybe work on the beginning a bit, find new ways to phrase the different feelings and thoughts that you express. Good job, Mattbert! You are a very good writer. I am kind of sad to see the origional of this song go, though. I liked that song.
Mara Thank you. I think the original was very lacking, though. It needed something to give it life, ya know?
Again, I think you Marabert.
Answer:
Anyone else care to RC it?
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock Anyone else care to RC it? I like it. Pretty good stuff.
Answer:
Hey thanks man. Anyone else care to poke at it?
Answer:
Originally Posted by Matt It was the first time in forever
Yet it seemed familiar to me
Our bound of honesty was severed
And it’s not easy letting go
Of the only thing I’m holding on to
The only thing I thought I knew
The first thing I thought to be true You need to change "Our bound of honesty" to something else. I think I get what you're saying, but bound sounds really out of place. Other than that, not a bad beginning.
And what is there to say
My thoughts are so impaired
I’ll act on sympathy This part sounds kind of weak on it's own, but with the rest of the song.....it's okay.
My train of thought completely lost course
And right now I’m hoping for a lie
In this frame of sickness and remorse
This time it’s easy letting go I like it, seems a little vague to me, but it's still pretty good. And though it probably wasn't intentional, I like the little thought/lost rhyme you put in the first line.
So try escaping from
Another moving car
Just to add one more scar Really like the image, a little sparse on context though.
Breathe a new life into this
Search for whatever we missed
When your embrace turned to shame
Or whatever it became I really like this section as well, great lines.
My main criticism is that the subject is really vague. I'm left thinking "this was a great song, but what the heck was it about", you know? I'll just echo what Mara said and suggest that you take what you have and mess around with trying to convey the emotions you're describing with some more imagery or something.
And I do remember another song with that title a long time ago (the title's great by the way, glad you kept it around). Keep up the good writing man.
Answer:
I just noticed the RC... Thanks.
[quote=SupaNova] You need to change "Our bound of honesty" to something else. I think I get what you're saying, but bound sounds really out of place. Other than that, not a bad beginning.
Any suggestions?
This part sounds kind of weak on it's own, but with the rest of the song.....it's okay. I thought that was the best part of the song...
I like it, seems a little vague to me, but it's still pretty good. And though it probably wasn't intentional, I like the little thought/lost rhyme you put in the first line. Unintentional. I don't even think they rhyme, but hey, fine with me. This was one of the verses I didn't like very well.
Really like the image, a little sparse on context though. Agreed.
I really like this section as well, great lines. Disagreed.
My main criticism is that the subject is really vague. I'm left thinking "this was a great song, but what the heck was it about", you know? I'll just echo what Mara said and suggest that you take what you have and mess around with trying to convey the emotions you're describing with some more imagery or something.
And I do remember another song with that title a long time ago (the title's great by the way, glad you kept it around). Keep up the good writing man. I've been working on it. I haven't got much, but it's a start.
Answer:
I agree, definitely a great beginning.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock Any suggestions? "leap of honesty" -- it links it to the often-seen "leap of faith" and therefore shows how difficult it is to trust someone and be honest. To continue that, use "came crashing down" or some similar thing ("crashing" is a cliche, I don't recommend that; it's just an example to give the feel) -- you get the same basic idea with a more personal and affecting feel.
Also, it seems to me that without some kind of personality, all the imagery is pretty much going to waste. Basically I agree with Mara and Supa: it's way too vague. And since songs are primarily emotional appeals to the heart (though subtly and realistically, hopefully), it's hard to emotionally identify with such a thing when neither the situation nor the persons involved are well-described.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Matt Any suggestions? I'm not really sure, it's kind of hard to think of a word that would fit into the context of that line. "Tie", maybe?
I thought that was the best part of the song... They're good lines, you just need to add them to a bigger lyrical chunk to flesh them out a bit.
Disagreed. Just keep them in the song, you'll reach a wider audience or something
Answer:
I've been working on a revision, I've got the first verse finished.
It was the first time around
Yet it seemed familiar to me
The first truth I'd found
Left me helpless and dying to breathe
Amidst your perfect fragrance
Like a bitter symphony
In oblivion to our ignorance
While still in faultless harmony
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock I've been working on a revision, I've got the first verse finished.
It was the first time around
Yet it seemed familiar to me
The first truth I'd found
Left me helpless and dying to breathe
Amidst your perfect fragrance
Like a bitter symphony
In oblivion to our ignorance
While still in faultless harmony Personally I liked your first first verse better. This one is still good, but the other one was great. I personally think you should try to use those lines somewhere else, because it's good stuff.