Question:
The veins in your hand felt soft and sweet
As I felt your arms wrap around me
I smiled as your hand crawled up my arm
A kiss goodnight would do no harm...
I traced the lines all along your palm
I was nervous but your touch was calm
I watched in silence as the movie played
And died inside as your hand pulled away
And you only covered your mouth to cough
But God d***, I forgot how to speak
You're such a genious, so please teach me
I won't be the arrogant prick I always am
I'll listen this time, I swear I can
And you never cover your mouth
To keep your scarring words from coming out
---
Love it, hate it, whatever.
Answer:
I really don't see the connection between the first set of verses and your second verse.
Also, although I think "cussing" has its place, GD (and MF) is a phrase I would never use.
That said, I think you have some decent material here. I like the simplicity of the choruses.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate I really don't see the connection between the first set of verses and your second verse. I know, I need to work on that.
Also, although I think "cussing" has its place, GD (and MF) is a phrase I would never use.
That said, I think you have some decent material here. I like the simplicity of the choruses. Thanks.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock
GD: This is as close as I think "cussing" comes to breaking the third commandment.
MF: This is the most vulgar of "cusswords" and is a bane on the existence of language.
Because I hold God's Name dear, I would not attach it to a curse He Himself has not made.
Because I hold other people in respect, I would not use the most base of insults on anyone.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock But God d***, I forgot how to speak I agree with Nate; I believe that this phrase is never appropriate.
And you never cover your mouth
To keep your scarring words from coming out I really like this line.
Over all, I like it. It would be nice if you added another one of those short lines.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate GD: This is as close as I think "cussing" comes to breaking the third commandment.
MF: This is the most vulgar of "cusswords" and is a bane on the existence of language.
Because I hold God's Name dear, I would not attach it to a curse He Himself has not made.
Because I hold other people in respect, I would not use the most base of insults on anyone.
I completely agree with you. I just don't know what else to put there...
Originally Posted by Gecko of Doom I really like this line.
Over all, I like it. It would be nice if you added another one of those short lines. Thanks.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock I completely agree with you. I just don't know what else to put there...
"Damnit"
Answer:
i like it
Answer:
Originally Posted by Matt The veins in your hand felt soft and sweet
As I felt your arms wrap around me
I smiled as your hand crawled up my arm
A kiss goodnight would do no harm... Nicely written. A lot of physical touching imagery tends to be hit or miss, but it works great here.
I traced the lines all along your palm
I was nervous but your touch was calm
I watched in silence as the movie played
And died inside as your hand pulled away A slight decline of quality here. Mostly because "your touch was calm" sounds awkward to say. Everything else is good though.
And you only covered your mouth to cough It's only one little sentence, but it speaks volumes about the song, I think. It manages to keep the imagery moving along and the song focused without skipping a beat.
But God d***, I forgot how to speak
You're such a genious, so please teach me
I won't be the arrogant prick I always am
I'll listen this time, I swear I can I'll go ahead and get this out of the way: lose the GD. I also agree with Nate, a plain old "damnit" would actually work better instead. Besides that, it's pretty good.
And you never cover your mouth
To keep your scarring words from coming out I like like this too, but "scarring" just sounds out of place. Of course, that could vey well just be a personal preference.
I really like the direction you're taking so far. Is this the whole song or are there still some lyrics to come?