Question:
verse I
i found myself living today
for these other things that don't even matter
how'd i end up living this way
and why can't i let it go?


bridge I
and then i hear your voice from deep within
and this is what it's sayin:

chorus I
wake up
you're missing so much of life
distracted by all the things that pass you by
stop living in your fantasies
and come back to me
wake up

verse II
i've been thinkin and now i realize
that these materials will not last forever
they won't bring the everlasting life(/happiness/joy...?)
that i have already been promised somewhere else

bridge II
now i understand what you've been telling me
i have come to face reality
that my dreams are taking over me
yet there's nowhere that they can take me

that's all i have so far. i plan on writing a 2nd chorus soon. let me know what you think
Answer:
*sigh*
Answer:
Originally Posted by sunsurfer verse I
i found myself living today
for these other things that don't even matter
I like the first line, but the second one starts off weird to me. I'd drop the "for these" or put something else there
how'd i end up living this way
and why can't i let it go?
Not sure what it is, but I kind of like this

bridge I
and then i hear your voice from deep within
and this is what it's sayin:
first line is ok, second one not so great. I'd just lose it all together.
chorus I
wake up
you're missing so much of life
distracted by all the things that pass you by
stop living in your fantasies
and come back to me
wake up
alright.
verse II
i've been thinkin and now i realize
that these materials will not last forever
they won't bring the everlasting life(/happiness/joy...?)
that i have already been promised somewhere else
I don't really like this whole verse. I'm assuming this is a song? How does it sound with music behind it? Not all lyrics have to look great on paper to be good in a song.
bridge II
now i understand what you've been telling me
i have come to face reality
that my dreams are taking over me
yet there's nowhere that they can take me
too many "me"s. The first two lines are alright, but the other's need rewording or something. Maybe "My dreams are taking over, yet there's no where they can go"... I dont know. Just a suggestion.
Hope that helped...
Answer:
Originally Posted by sunsurfer i found myself living today
for these other things that don't even matter
how'd i end up living this way
and why can't i let it go? Definately take "these" out of the second line. You'd be surprised how much difference one or two syllables can make. Besides that, it's a nice introduction to where the song is headed.
and then i hear your voice from deep within
and this is what it's sayin: This part is pretty weak. I agree with Cinster, writing a stronger second line would go a long way to improving it.
wake up
you're missing so much of life
distracted by all the things that pass you by
stop living in your fantasies
and come back to me
wake up The chorus is okay. The latter half is pretty good, actually.
i've been thinkin and now i realize
that these materials will not last forever
they won't bring the everlasting life(/happiness/joy...?)
that i have already been promised somewhere else
This isn't that bad, but I think it could be a lot stronger. What kind of materials are you talking about? Why is this new life better then your old one? Don't just tell us, show us. And now that I think about it, the first verse could probably use a little more "showing" too.
now i understand what you've been telling me
i have come to face reality
that my dreams are taking over me
yet there's nowhere that they can take me Actually, I think all the "me"s work great here. Especially, the last two lines by contrasting "taking over me" with just plain "take me".
The lyrics needs some polishing here and there, but I think you're already off to a great start. I'll be looking forward to seeing how the whole song turns out.
Answer:
thanx, i plan on completely changing the second verse and rewording the bridge. i'll do that when i get home.