Question:
Renaming this..i dunno to what yet.
Rhyming Pattern:
Verse 1: lines 1, 3, 4 - 6& 7
Verse 2: lines 1, 3, 4 - 6&7
Verse 3: lines 1, 3, 4 – 6&7
Arrangement:
Intro: Instrumental
Verse 1: Start Vocals, along with Instruments
Chorus: Riff for this, echo after every line** - Harmonize on lines 1, 3, and 4
Verse 2: Instruments/Vocals
Verse 3: Short riff, Instruments/Vocals
Outro: Echo, back up vocals harmonizing,
Verse 1
Eye’s set on this small screen, watching my life passes me by
Thoughts of us together, seem to rush right through me
Remising over and over and over, these thoughts playing in my mind
Awakened, you’re holding my hand, rain running from your eyes
Whatever happened then seems to fall beyond my grasp
And then it crashed, my world beyond your eyes
As our memories begin to collide
Chorus:
I never knew so much could be said (I never knew)
Without saying a word (no words)
Life’s still this time (this time)
My hearts been crying out for sometime (for sometime)
Save me (Save me)
Verse 2:
As our worlds collide
I pull you close
Two become one, one became myriad
Isn’t it funny, how times tend to be revolutionized
To be that close to the dusk of our days
Rocking on the edge of existence
Your tears bring me out of this darkness
Chorus:
I never knew so much could be said (I never knew)
Without saying a word (no words)
Life’s still this time (this time)
My hearts been crying out for sometime (sometime)
Save me (Save me)
Verse 3:
You trace a path from my eyes to heart felt opinions,
Of sweat and blood to show me a part,
Of me I never could seem to catch a glimpse of, when
A piece of me was cracking, tearing on end
You tell me to rest, it will all end soon.
But you’re here; your tears bring my back from the past
I never dreamed this would happen so fast
Chorus:
I never knew so much could be said
Without saying a word
Life’s still this time
My hearts been crying out for sometime
Save me
Echo: Save me
Answer:
Originally Posted by electrikkdreamz Verse 1:
The measurements in this room, it seems bigger than existence
This is a bumpy start. "The measurements in this room" is completly fragmentary from a grammatical standpoint, but, even worse, it's completely meaningless from a syntactical standpoint. It just doesn't say anything. When you tack on "it seems bigger than existence," you give some meaning to the mention of the room, but you're still left wondering what in the world you were talking about with "the measurements." I suggest either finding a way to describe the room's actual size before saying "it seems bigger than existence," or else switching the pronoun "it" to "they" so that "they seem bigger than existence" now refers to "the measurements in this room," which gives some purpose to the entire fragementary phrase you start with, rather than just to the last word of it.
Watching this small screen, as my life past my by
These grainy films of us playing in the rain, it splashing on your face
Games of pretend now seem extraordinary as I reminisce
Now I awake, your holding my hand, rain running from your eyes
You show me as we were as we used to be then
And then it crashed, my world beyond your eyes
As our memories begin to collide
You're mixing tenses like nobody's business. You might want to work on that.
Chorus:
I never knew so much could be said
Without saying a word
Our life’s frozen this time
Our memories, yours is now mine
With the tears of the unknown
Frozen time is the oldest cliche there is, it seems. Other than that, this isn't awful.
Verse 3:
You trace a path from my eyes to my heart,
Of sweat and blood to show me a part,
That's brilliantly written. Very nice. This is what the whole thing should be like.
Answer:
cool thanks
I think i know why it came out this way. When i was writting it, i was writing it as my brain was like...thinking of it as a video, so i was literally seeing it, and trying to explain it in words. I will def fix it, thats for your comment.
Answer:
reddited!
Answer:
Originally Posted by electrikkdreamz Verse 1
Eye’s set on this small screen, watching my life passes me by
Thoughts of us together, seem to rush right through me
Remising over and over and over, these thoughts playing in my mind
Awakened, you’re holding my hand, rain running from your eyes
Whatever happened then seems to fall beyond my grasp
And then it crashed, my world beyond your eyes
As our memories begin to collide
You mean "watching my life passing" or maybe "watching as life passes"? "Watching my life passes" doesn't make sense. I don't think remise is the word you are looking for, maybe "repeating" or something similar would work. I like the rest of this though.
Chorus:
I never knew so much could be said (I never knew)
Without saying a word (no words)
Life’s still this time (this time)
My hearts been crying out for sometime (for sometime)
Save me (Save me)
The "Save me" can tend to be overused, but the "never knew so much could be said / Without saying a word" lines make up for it, so I don't think it will be a problem.
Verse 2:
As our worlds collide
I pull you close
Two become one, one became myriad
Isn’t it funny, how times tend to be revolutionized
To be that close to the dusk of our days
Rocking on the edge of existence
Your tears bring me out of this darkness
It's not bad, and I like the "Your tears bring me out of this darkness". While myriad could fit in there, it just seems a bit awkward. It's not a big deal though.
Chorus:
I never knew so much could be said (I never knew)
Without saying a word (no words)
Life’s still this time (this time)
My hearts been crying out for sometime (sometime)
Save me (Save me)
Again, nice job.
Verse 3:
You trace a path from my eyes to heart felt opinions,
Of sweat and blood to show me a part,
Of me I never could seem to catch a glimpse of, when
A piece of me was cracking, tearing on end
You tell me to rest, it will all end soon.
But you’re here; your tears bring my back from the past
I never dreamed this would happen so fast
Chorus:
I never knew so much could be said
Without saying a word
Life’s still this time
My hearts been crying out for sometime
Save me
Echo: Save me
Like Nate said, the first two lines are very strong, and I like the rest of it as well; this is, in my opinion, your best verse of the song. Overall I think you definitely have some potential here...just need to fix a couple things.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Flyguy You mean "watching my life passing" or maybe "watching as life passes"? "Watching my life passes" doesn't make sense. I don't think remise is the word you are looking for, maybe "repeating" or something similar would work. I like the rest of this though.
OO, I think there was a typo in there at first, when I originally did it, it was past, and changed to passes, and now it was supposed to be pass lol. Thanks.
The "Save me" can tend to be overused, but the "never knew so much could be said / Without saying a word" lines make up for it, so I don't think it will be a problem.
Is there something else I could use in place of this, I kinda like the save me part, but anything else to make it better will be greatly appreicated.
It's not bad, and I like the "Your tears bring me out of this darkness". While myriad could fit in there, it just seems a bit awkward. It's not a big deal though.
its sooooo hard to rhyme collide with a replacement for the word many lol, i guess this could work but i'll do a little more research on this.
Again, nice job.

Like Nate said, the first two lines are very strong, and I like the rest of it as well; this is, in my opinion, your best verse of the song. Overall I think you definitely have some potential here...just need to fix a couple things.
Thanks, I really like this verse too. I really wanted kind of a build up thing, like the first, then the second but neither as strong as the last, but they all leave you with something and then drop you off nicely. LoL for some reason when people say *a couple* its like..5 6 7 people I shudder, but I know its for the best, I think this one is going to be the first one going to completion and recording so i want to make it really good. Again Thank you so much for your comments they mean alot
Answer:
Haha, I think I got lost in my words, what I meant to say was that I think the "save me" is OK in this case, since it fits and the whole chorus isn't cliche.
And for "myriad", I just realized that you were trying to rhyme it with collide, and yeah, fair enough, I can't think of another word either! I wouldn't worry about it.
My apologies for any confusion with my post...it was too early in the morning for me!
Answer:
Lol no problems , i was up pretty early too, i was having a fog head symptoms lol
i still have no ideas for a title yet. Collision seems ok, but i nono