Question:
We told you before you got into this
we knew it would end with tears not a kiss
you never heard our message
you never thought of this
Greater love, hath no man than this
that he should lay down his life for a friend
we we always willing to die for you
now it seems we'll die, before this all is through
you know you were worth more,
than he ever let you be
You knew you were more
than he will ever be
but love will always be found
whether up in the sky, or on the ground...
Love is patient, love is kind
love is forever, love is blind
Love isn't boastful, it isn't mean
love is better, working behind the scenes
Christ will never hurt you
love would never do this to you
Christ will never hurt you
love would never do this to you
come back to Christ,
he'll heal your broken heart
come back to Christ,
he'll tear your world apart.
Answer:
Originally Posted by AXguitar We told you before you got into this
we knew it would end with tears not a kiss
you never heard our message
you never thought of this
Who exactly is we? You refer to a group in this verse but I don't know what group that is. Also, never use "this" without a noun..."this such-n-such" you have 2 of those as well as an undefined message. What was your message you told this person?
Greater love, hath no man than this
that he should lay down his life for a friend
we we always willing to die for you
now it seems we'll die, before this all is through
This chorus (I'm guessing) really has no meaning because you use "this" again...still without defining what it is.
you know you were worth more,
than he ever let you be
You knew you were more
than he will ever be
but love will always be found
whether up in the sky, or on the ground...
The first 4 lines are redundant. You say pretty much the same thing twice with only a change in tence. The last two lines are sudden and are awkward in this verse. Again, I don't really know what you're saying.
Love is patient, love is kind
love is forever, love is blind
Love isn't boastful, it isn't mean
love is better, working behind the scenes
This is the best part of the song. It isn't super, but it's more focused and polished than the rest of your song.
Christ will never hurt you
love would never do this to you
Christ will never hurt you
love would never do this to you
come back to Christ,
he'll heal your broken heart
come back to Christ,
he'll tear your world apart. You might want to reverse the 2nd and 4th lines here. It would make more sense that this person's world would be torn apart, then put back together in the correct way, as you're implying Christ will do.
This song needs ALOT of work, but just keep at it. You become a good songwriter by fixing your mistakes. A good song isn't just going to come to you...you need practice. Just keep writing .
Answer:
wow, that was a 10 minute song i wrote and was llike "hey i'll post it" it's not my best work.. but the song is about my cousin who was abused by her husband...
Answer:
Originally Posted by Adam_8287 You might want to reverse the 2nd and 4th lines here. It would make more sense that this person's world would be torn apart, then put back together in the correct way, as you're implying Christ will do.
Indeed.
Hosea 6:1
"Come, let us return to the Lord; for He has torn us, that He may heal us; He has struck us down, and He will bind us up."
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Other than that, it's really hard for me to critique songs like this.
The problem with writing songs specifically for a certain person or situation is that you know exactly what's going on and you'll naturally expect that your listeners will as well, when, in reality, very few people will be able to discern the meaning of the song from the kind of lyrics you'll often come up with (much like you have here: unidentified pronouns, generally unfocused writing, etc).
My advice when you want to write a song about a particular person or event is that you find one or two very specific things (at most) about the event that stand out to you, and then base the song around those. It will help your lyrics be much easier to understand and much more interesting (since you won't be encapsulating a multi-year series of events in just a few paragraphs).
Answer:
rythmically an extra line there wouldn't work.. i thought the same thign myself.. but if a person's world is in a situation like they, they need it to be torn apart...
Answer:
He wasn't talking about an extra line, just about changing:
come back to Christ,
he'll heal your broken heart
come back to Christ,
he'll tear your world apart.
to:
come back to Christ,
he'll tear your world apart
come back to Christ,
he'll heal your broken heart.
instead, which is more theologically / temporally accurate.
Answer:
Originally Posted by AXguitar wow, that was a 10 minute song i wrote and was llike "hey i'll post it" it's not my best work.. but the song is about my cousin who was abused by her husband... ...none of which did I know. But regardless, you posted it for critique and I critiqued it. I believe I was constructive in my suggestions. I didn't insult you, I didn't tell you your song was bad...it's just in a very early stage of construction.
Answer:
no, i was just explaining.. i wanted the criticism... but you did include "You become a good songwriter by fixing your mistakes. A good song isn't just going to come to you...you need practice. Just keep writing ." i was just explaining that this is not a finished project or my best work.. an i like the rotation of tear your world apart and heal your broken heart... i never thought about it.. though i didn't put much thought into it... but i meant to leave the song vague, and not let it just be for my cousin, but anybody who is in an abusive relationship... there are two things that i feel strongly convicted about and that is abuse and suicide... most of my songs deal with suicide and depression, this is my first about abuse.. i thank you for you help....
Answer:
Originally Posted by AXguitar but i meant to leave the song vague, and not let it just be for my cousin, but anybody who is in an abusive relationship... there are two things that i feel strongly convicted about and that is abuse and suicide... most of my songs deal with suicide and depression, this is my first about abuse.. i thank you for you help.... The problem is that no one can tell that this song is about abuse. Leaving things vague is about the worst thing you can do as a songwriter. The more specific you are, the more universal a song's application. That may sound like an oxymoron, but it's true. I don't mean naming names or anything, but you need to be specific about circumstances, emotions, and other aspects of an abusive relationship or else no one will be able to tell that's what the song is about.
Answer:
... i see your point, but i'm not gonna be soo blunt as to say, "Hey he's abusing you, we knew you'd divorce him the day you brought him home to meet us..." id like to be a bit more poetic about it.. maybe i could allude to it.. or strongly strongly hint at it.. maybe even use a metaphore... but i'm not gonna do that... my favorite bands have always been the ones that you have to really look at the song lyrics and ponder them to understand them... I like Dead Poetic, Thrice, and UnderOath alot.. Project 86... they don't come right out and say anything... i like music that makes you think.. i like poetry that makes you think.. go read The Emporer of Ice Cream, now that one takes some time to interpret...
Answer:
Originally Posted by AXguitar ... i see your point, but i'm not gonna be soo blunt as to say, "Hey he's abusing you, we knew you'd divorce him the day you brought him home to meet us..." id like to be a bit more poetic about it.. maybe i could allude to it.. or strongly strongly hint at it.. maybe even use a metaphore... but i'm not gonna do that... my favorite bands have always been the ones that you have to really look at the song lyrics and ponder them to understand them... I like Dead Poetic, Thrice, and UnderOath alot.. Project 86... they don't come right out and say anything... i like music that makes you think.. i like poetry that makes you think.. go read The Emporer of Ice Cream, now that one takes some time to interpret... Being poetic and being vague are two entirely different things. I'm not suggesting that you be blunt, I'm suggesting being specific. That means using specific imagery and metaphors. Right now you're not being poetic at all in this song.
Answer:
i'm seeing what you are saying.. but i need to work some things out in my mind before i make any changes.. i don't like the
"
you know you were worth more,
than he ever let you be
You knew you were more
than he will ever be
but love will always be found
whether up in the sky, or on the ground..." i may just scrap it... it does transition awkwardly...
when i say we, it's the family to the cousin.. but i could easily change it to I...
but i don't know how to introduce my subject in the manner you are telling me too.. this for me has been the hardest project i've ever worked on...
here's the circumstances: this dude, we'll call him fred was dating my cousin, got her pregnant, so they got married... he beat her, but she kept saying she loved him.. and the song was a wake up call that beating isn't love.. that if somebody truely loved somebody they wouldn't beat them... and when i say it would end like this, i mean messily in divorce... and when i say "do this to you" i'm talking about all the mental/physical abuse that incurred...
Answer:
Originally Posted by AXguitar here's the circumstances: this dude, we'll call him fred was dating my cousin, got her pregnant, so they got married... he beat her, but she kept saying she loved him.. and the song was a wake up call that beating isn't love.. that if somebody truely loved somebody they wouldn't beat them... and when i say it would end like this, i mean messily in divorce... and when i say "do this to you" i'm talking about all the mental/physical abuse that incurred... There's the problem right there. "This" is an empty word. It doesn't mean anything. All it does is refer to...something. We don't know what it refers to in the song because you haven't told us. Remember, you're not going to be able to sit next to the listener and explain your song to him; the song's going to have to explain itself.
Don't be too concerned if you can't get everything right on this song. Divorce and abuse are very touchy subjects as well as very complex ones. Even a professional songwriter is going to have trouble writing a solid song about such subjects. You're not at that level yet. Maybe this is a song that you'll have to come back to once you've gained more experience as a songwriter.
Answer:
I still think my idea about finding one single thing to write about for the whole song (or at least for a whole verse) is a good idea. You lose a helluva lot when you compact years and years of mental and physical abuse into a single line like "love would never do this to you."
Instead of working from the top down (that is, taking the whole picture of the entire event and trying to retell the whole thing in a few lines of lyrics), work from the bottom up (take one thing that you think defined the situation and build the song from just that thing).
What Skeeter said, though admittedly paradoxical, is true:
People generally relate more to specifics than to universals.
Being specific doesn't mean writing a newspaper article. It means not focusing on broad ideas such as "it would end with tears," "you were worth more," "love will always be found," or "love would never do this," and instead truly focusing your writing on some particular thing.
Answer:
.. i wouldn't say years and years.. i'd say full year.. then he did something that caused the whole thing to come out and... well.. you get the rest... it feels like years and years... but if it helps he's real cocky, has an extreme anger problem, self centered... but he always told her that they were in love until he brainwashed her... idk... but i feel this is somethign i need to do..