Question:
I've got A a new song. Feel free to give as much advice as possible(I need it).
(Revisions are in! )
(Verse 1)
You change your nature with your constant change of clothes
I’ll stab at who you are, and blindly cover your ache
Ever-changing distractions hide your wounds
The point of change reveals how pointless life is to you
Quit giving this trivial test; leave it for love’s sake
Smother the smoke because you’re about to burn
(Pre-chorus)
The change is bland but the reformation keeps on
You sharpen the point, but you know that it’s gone
(Chorus)
Why do you hold on to such a meaningless face
It’s cold tonight; please take a rest from your chase
You’ve lived under every name around you
And died the deaths of a thousand people
All the change and not one was ever new
Let Jesus melt the ice under your skin
(Verse 2)
You rationalize off of life’s technicalities
And it gives you plenty of space to distance yourself
Grasp the touch that you’re afraid to feel
The fulfillment all around you was always empty
Deny your denial so the gash will disappear
And every wound burns in turn to heal
(Bridge)
Snowflakes reflect off the tears
As ice burns you deep inside
Tears fall as the mirror clears
Answer:
Anybody? Please give me something!
Answer:
Originally Posted by Freek4Jesus13 (Verse 1)
You will light the sky to make it seem more exciting
But you will miss the point because you’re so inviting
Simple is always complicated
You always let emotions in but never let them out
Delusions keep you holding tight to all of your doubt
You live for hope that is degraded My first question for this song is who are you talking about? It's not very clear who you're talking about, which makes the entire song a little vague. How is this person lighting the sky, for instance?
That said, your wordplay is pretty good in this verse. I'd prefer it if you spent a little more time explaining "simple is always complicated" as you just say it and move on right away, but that may just be personal preference.
(Pre-chorus)
Life is a measure of what you are feeling
It crashes while you fight what you are concealing Alright...this is still a little vague as we have no idea who "you" is, but it's not bad.
(Chorus)
Why do you hold on to such a meaningless face
It’s cold tonight please take a rest from your chase I'm very glad you didn't rhyme face with place.
All you have is holding on to you
All you have is falling along with you If there had been more indication in the first verse about who "you" was, this third line in the chorus would be very strong. The fourth line here is weaker.
The answer is not complete meaningless
The name you give does not include Jesus Big problem here, and unfortunately it's what you named the song. It has to be either "completely meaningless" or "complete meaninglessness." Otherwise it is grammatically incorrect. I would suggest going with "completely meaningless" as "meaninglessness" sounds silly.
(Verse 2)
You rationalize off of life’s technicalities
Don’t constantly give into beloved fatalities
You desire this mask to become real
The fulfillment all around you was always empty
Deny your denial so you become what can’t be
Reality is you’re afraid to feel This second verse is much stronger than the first. It makes much more sense.
(Bridge)
Make a person that becomes what you demand
But becomes what can’t exist
Try to find a meaningful way that you command
Now lose hope and make a wish ...
This bridge doesn't make much sense. You've got some good possibilities in this song, but you need to make some revisions for clarity. Right now it's really hard to understand what you're trying to say. But there's plenty of potential. I encourage you to keep writing.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter 1.) My first question for this song is who are you talking about? It's not very clear who you're talking about, which makes the entire song a little vague. How is this person lighting the sky, for instance?
2.) That said, your wordplay is pretty good in this verse. I'd prefer it if you spent a little more time explaining "simple is always complicated" as you just say it and move on right away, but that may just be personal preference.
3.) If there had been more indication in the first verse about who "you" was, this third line in the chorus would be very strong. The fourth line here is weaker.
4.) Big problem here, and unfortunately it's what you named the song. It has to be either "completely meaningless" or "complete meaninglessness." Otherwise it is grammatically incorrect. I would suggest going with "completely meaningless" as "meaninglessness" sounds silly.
5.) This bridge doesn't make much sense. You've got some good possibilities in this song, but you need to make some revisions for clarity. Right now it's really hard to understand what you're trying to say. But there's plenty of potential. I encourage you to keep writing.
1.) I'm saying these lines like they are being said directly to a person who has all of these problems. I'm not too sure about how to clear it up though. If you could, tell me how. The person is supposed to be lighting the sky to make it interesting to them. Lighting the sky is supposed to be kind of a representation on how people try to make thier lives more interesting by making them more exciting, which of course can be good or bad.
2.) I probably do need to clear up "Simple is always complicated".
3.) I don't really get how the fourth line of the chorus is weaker.
4.) It's a working title, so "Complete Meaningless" can be changed, and I did think it sounded a little weird.

5.) I see what you mean about the bridge. I'll try to fit it in better.
What I'm trying to say in the song is how people go after meaningless things, like improving your self-image or becoming popular, and overlook God by filling thier lives with trivial things, and that's how peole fall into life's traps.
They seem to wish God away.
Thanks a bunch. I'll be posting revisions.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Freek4Jesus13
1.) I'm saying these lines like they are being said directly to a person who has all of these problems. I'm not too sure about how to clear it up though. If you could, tell me how. The person is supposed to be lighting the sky to make it interesting to them. Lighting the sky is supposed to be kind of a representation on how people try to make thier lives more interesting by making them more exciting, which of course can be good or bad. Okay, I get that, but how is "lighting the sky" making their lives more interesting. It's a very awkward and unclear metaphor. I think there's a better way to get across what you're trying to say.
3.) I don't really get how the fourth line of the chorus is weaker. The third line is very concise and flows well rhythmically. The fourth line adds an extra syllable and doesn't make as much sense. "Holding on to you" just makes more sense than "falling along with you."
4.) It's a working title, so "Complete Meaningless" can be changed, and I did think it sounded a little weird. That's because "complete meaningless" doesn't make any grammatical sense. It's a nonsensical phrase.
5.) I see what you mean about the bridge. I'll try to fit it in better.
What I'm trying to say in the song is how people go after meaningless things, like improving your self-image or becoming popular, and overlook God by filling thier lives with trivial things, and that's how peole fall into life's traps.
They seem to wish God away. Okay. The song does make sense; the biggest issue, I would say, is the first verse. It needs to be a bit more clear to let the reader/listener know what's coming. With a bit of explanation the rest of the song makes sense.
Thanks a bunch. I'll be posting revisions. No problem, I'm looking forward to reading the revisions. You have an interesting style.
Answer:
Overall, I think you have very good ideas and phrases to go with them, but FAR TOO MUCH emphasis on rhyming.
I defy you when you make revisions to the song to AT THE VERY LEAST put in some more imperfect rhymes.
Seriously, over-rhyming just makes your writing seem trite, regardless of your content or your concepts.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter That's because "complete meaningless" doesn't make any grammatical sense. It's a nonsensical phrase.
Not necessarily. In the context it's used here, yes. But if the whole line or set of lines were revised, such that "complete" becomes a verb, then it has potential, as in the imperative, "Complete meaningless tasks." It often piques my interest if the title of a song doesn't seem to make sense (that's the only reason I clicked on this thread), and when the context of the song makes it clear that it does make sense, I like that.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Nate Overall, I think you have very good ideas and phrases to go with them, but FAR TOO MUCH emphasis on rhyming.
I defy you when you make revisions to the song to AT THE VERY LEAST put in some more imperfect rhymes.
Seriously, over-rhyming just makes your writing seem trite, regardless of your content or your concepts.
I wasn't trying to over-rhyme. I just tryed to make everything rhyme. Can you explain this a little more, because I want this song to be as good as possible.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Freek4Jesus13 I wasn't trying to over-rhyme. I just tryed to make everything rhyme. Can you explain this a little more, because I want this song to be as good as possible.
Simply put, over-rhyming is the same thing as "trying to make everything rhyme."
Everything does not have to rhyme. Read that again: everything does not have to rhyme.
It just seems as though your writing and word choice was shaped by your attempt to rhyme.
Rhyming should be an effect of good word choice, not a cause of inferior or awkward word choice.
Answer:
The revisions are in. I hope I cleared some things up, but I'm afriad I lost a lot of clarity in my attempted wordplay. I hope it is better. If not, I'll keep trying. Please give advice. Thanks!
Answer:
Is anyone out there? Nothing has gone on in this forum for a few days now.
Answer:
This forum always has moments of sleepiness. Speaking for myself, I find it very difficult to critique a large number of songs; I really have to be in the right frame of mind to do it. So I won't critique any songs for weeks and then critique 10 in one day.