Question:
I'm new to songwriting and I've been writing and writing for a couple months. I'm looking for a lyric critque. So give me your opinions.
The hope of an expressionless face
It seems I must become what you expect
I can’t escape from the name “human race”
This place I’ve built is filled with regret
It protects me from what I am afraid of
But it restricts me all the same
I feel like nothing can be done
But I know there’s something not so mundane
The thing that keeps me safe has trapped me here
I always sought it out for safety
But I fear if I stay my heart’s death is near
With him at my side maybe I can leave completely
With faith in my life I can be free, just maybe
What if I miss the point on a false glance
If I leave this it might be too late
But I can see you in me, giving me the chance
God, please don’t let this place be my fate
This place I’ve endured too long
And I’ll constantly go back
It is a place I’m always at, but I know I don’t belong
And to escape is my only desire, but it’s a thing I’ll always lack
So God please take these tears of me
And piece them together with something new
I don’t want to be false anymore
I want my life to end
Answer:
Overall, it seems as though it would be impossibly difficult to sing; it's even hard just to read it aloud.
A more specific general observation:
You need to learn meter, plain and simple. I think writing something in the style of a hymn would do most songwriters a lot of good when they are just getting started. There's a huge difference between the meter that you can get away with in sheer poetry or spoken word and the meter that you can get away with in something written to be sung. That's not to say that you can't step outside of the bounds of meter when it seems appropriate for the song or the style, but you can't just up and write in free verse and expect to be able to make a song out of it. What you've done here is offered something that, while containing some nice isolated metrical moments, falls very flat in terms of the fluidity of the writing. \
Here's a simple test I like to perform on song lyrics: Read them aloud to yourself line by line (that is, each line on its own) and see whether the line rolls off the tongue nicely; there should be a fluid, almost lilting, almost sing-songy feeling to the line if you really want something that will sound great when it's sung. You don't have to follow a strict 8.7.8.7 syllable structure or anything like that, but the application of a few of the basic elements of traditional meter (such as alternating accented and unaccented syllables, or accented-unaccented-unaccented as an alternative to that) would help your writing immensely, and would allow you to more easily write nice, singable melodies to accompany your words.
I would recommend that you start writing with some very simple metrical structures (such as the 8.7.8.7 syllabic pattern I mentioned earlier) and then gradually break out of those into the more free verse style you've written here. By doing so, you'll end up with a similar style to what you're apparently going for here (conversational, easy to follow, not too cheesy / cheeky, etc), but it will be much more mature and much more under control from a metrical standpoint. You'll be able to notice other ways of arranging meter instead of mere syllable counts or accent patterns, and you'll end up naturally tending towards pleasing sounding metrical structures, which will, in turn, let you write more pleasing sounding songs.
Anyway, on to the song:
Originally Posted by Freek4Jesus13 The hope of an expressionless face
It seems I must become what you expect
It's generally a bad idea to introduce a new pronoun without introducing its object. While it may be perfectly clear to you as the author who the "you" in this second line is, I can assure you that no one hearing this song for the first time would have any idea who it was until much later in the song, and maybe not even then. In general, be more precise in your use of pronouns than you think you need to be.
I can’t escape from the name “human race”
This place I’ve built is filled with regret
This is one of those nicer metrical moments, where the lines seem like they could be easily singable. Notice how the lines have similar syllable counts, and similar placements of the accents ("-cape" vs "built," "name" vs. "filled," and "race" vs "-gret" are where the accents line up).
It protects me from what I am afraid of
But it restricts me all the same
I feel like nothing can be done
But I know there’s something not so mundane
Lines such as "I feel like nothing can be done" don't really say a lot, and usually end up in songs just to fill space between more interesting lines. Try to make every last line of your lyrics count for something. Be more specific. Exactly what can "nothing be done" about? Why do you feel that "nothing can be done?" Let us in on something we maybe haven't thought about before, instead of simply relating a feeling we've all experienced a million times before.
The thing that keeps me safe has trapped me here
I always sought it out for safety
But I fear if I stay my heart’s death is near
Don't try so hard to make lines rhyme that you end up making awkward sentences / phrases such as "my heart's death is near" as you have in this section. That's just weird when you read it, and probably won't much more sense when you sing it.
Also, I find it best not to repeat the same word in two successive lines except for effect or structure, and the repetition of "safe" / "safety" in the first two of these three lines serves neither purpose. There's a reason most songwriters own a thesaurus.
With him at my side maybe I can leave completely
With faith in my life I can be free, just maybe
Again, you've introduced yet another new pronoun with no reference to its object, this time the pronoun "him." While you may understand perfectly well to whom you were referring, the listener / reader will not, you can count on it.
What if I miss the point on a false glance
If I leave this it might be too late
But I can see you in me, giving me the chance
God, please don’t let this place be my fate
This is actually rather charming, and fairly well written. You do introduce a pronoun again without a reference first (this time "you" in the third line), but its reference ("God" in the fourth line) follows so closely (and actually present this time, unlike the last two times, where the object never even showed up) that it works just fine.
This place I’ve endured too long
And I’ll constantly go back
It is a place I’m always at, but I know I don’t belong
And to escape is my only desire, but it’s a thing I’ll always lack
In this section, you have committed the amateur songwriter's most common error... awkward sentence structure through the substitution of the subject and the direct object for one another. In your first line, what you've really said is "I've endured this place," but what you've written is "This place I've endured." It may sound like fancy-shmancy, professional-style writing to you, but it isn't. I can't think of a single popular song off the top of my head that uses this type of writing. You do it again in the fourth line, with "to escape is my only desire" when what you really mean is "my only desire is to escape." Strive to write lyrics that sound like something somebody might actually say. No one in their right mind would ever say "This place I've endured too long," so don't put that in your lyrics unless you have a really really good reason.
So God please take these tears of me
And piece them together with something new
I don’t want to be false anymore
I want my life to end
This is a rather odd ending to the song, I think. It seems as though you have a nice thought behind these lines, but they come off rather... oddly. "I want my life to end" certainly isn't what I am thinking if I just read the first three lines here by themselves. I'm thinking of new birth, change, improvement... not the end of life (even if it is a metaphor for being "crucified with Christ," which is what I'm guessing you had in mind).
I'm also not sure what "tears of me" is supposed to mean. Is it supposed to be "tears of mine," "pieces of me," something else, what? While metaphors and word pictures in general can be powerful songwriting tools, you shouldn't abuse them by simply throwing them in in place of something with a clearer meaning. People should be able to understand what you're talking about in your lyrics, or they won't be able to relate to your song.
Well, I hope that was helpful.
In His love,
Nate
Answer:
Thanks a bunch! This is exactly what I was looking for. I have been studying a lot of what people have said about other songs, but it never helped that much. This is a much more personalized critque than my friends and family. Hopefully I can take this and use it to my advantage. I'll keep studying this.[b]
Also, if anyone wants to give me some ideas on how to form an idea into a song a little better that would be a great help as well. Thanks.
Answer:
Nice line-by-line, Nate. That was some really good advice. Also, I think the line, "But I know there's something not so mundane" feels forced. You're trying to hard to rhyme, and it is a little to long compared to the rest of the lines in that phrase.