Question:
This is a concept album I'm working on. It's about a former hit man who leaves the country to start over and get away from his past. He falls in love and gets married in his new home. One day he comes home and sees a police officer leaving his house. When he goes in, his wife is dead, the officer was one of his enemies in disguise and he murdered her. So the man (we'll call him bill) goes into a rage and follows the first police officer that he sees home and murders him and his family. He is caught and put in jail, setenced to death. He breaks out and flees to the hills where he gets together a small group of his friends from his former business. Bill and his little army go looking for the guy who murdered bill's wife. Bill is mortally wounded and as he's dying, the bad guy walks up and bill kills him and then bill dies. All this time, Bill is hoping he dies in the fight because he doesn't want to live without his wife.
so that's it. these are pretty much just the first version of the songs. I'm just looking for some overall critique, mainly on the flow and what kind of additions would help it.
Story Part 1
This is our home now, the past is dead to me
The sun is overhead and the past is like a shadow that can’t be seen
The streets are wider here, let’s get lost in the crowd
We won’t hide but we won’t be found out
chorus
This is where I’ll die
I won’t look back
I never had this
I won’t look back
I never had this before
This is where I’ll die
I’ll bleed for life
And die with you
I’ll bleed for life
And die with you in mind
Secrets are cold but we’ll never feel their pain
Winter never comes it just gets warmer every day
No one’s looking for us, we’ve made it out alive
And we’ll stay this way if we believe we never told a lie
Story Part 2
chorus
I’ve got a secret
I killed a man and his family
I’ve got a secret
I did it all for the money
I’m an accomplice to a murder that I knew nothing about
You’re lying in a pool of blood and my past has been let out
The weapon on the ground, it bears my fingerprints
This is too familiar I called the shots, you took the hit
chorus
I’ve got a secret
I killed a man and his family
I’ve got a secret
I did it all for the money
Now you’re choking up your last words as I’m choking up on mine
You can never get away with a life of bloody crime
But that’s the only thing I know and now I’m going to relapse
I’ve got the guns, they’ve got the blood I swear I’ll pay them back.
Story Part 3
Now I’m behind bars
I killed a man and his family
It’s what they deserved
For taking everything from me
chorus
You pulled the trigger for me
As you held my hand
A ghost that walks beside me
As I carry out my plan
What’s done is done and I can’t go back
But I can go on and make things right
I can’t bring you back but I can go to you
I won’t go down without a fight
I killed once before and it almost killed me
This time I’ll make sure it does
But not until you rest in peace
You’ll rest in peace my love
chorus
I’m behind bars
I killed a man and his family
It’s what they deserved
For taking everything from me
Story Part 4
Tonight’s the night that I break out of here
This prison can’t hold me
I’ll make a run for the walls
And I won’t stop till I’m free
I made it out but I’m not relieved
The hardest part is in front of me
I’ll hide in the hills and collect my thoughts
I’m dead if I get caught
They’re sharpening the guillotine
Waiting there to greet me
They want me dead but so do I
There’s one reason for me to stay alive
I’ve got to finish what they started
Rip their flesh with my teeth
I know they’ll kill me but I’ll kill them first
Until blood runs through the streets
Story Part 5
I’ve made this cave my home
Just me and your photograph
Temporary is all I’ve known
I hope forever lasts
chorus
I’m counting down the days
Till we’ll sit on that park bench
And love like we were dying
Love like we’ll never die
Can you feel my heart beat?
You’re the force behind my veins
One day you will push my blood out
When I die for you, I will feel no pain
chorus
I’m counting down the days
Till we’ll sit on that park bench
And love like we were dying
Love like we’ll never die
Story Part 6
I’m building an army now
Small but deadly
And armed with hate
They will stand with me
chorus
Tomorrow we ride
To the death of murderers
One last night
Staring at my only picture of you
Beautiful and pale like heaven
Oh you must look even better now
It won’t be long till we’re together
I can feel you looking through the clouds
chorus
Tomorrow we ride
To the death of murderers
I will spare no life
Not even my own
Story Part 7
The sunrise is golden this morning
When it sets it will be red
The breeze is gentle and calming
When it stops I will be dead
I can see the light reflecting
Off cold steel in the city
There will be no surprise
Behind their walls they’re ready
The first shot rings
One down countless to go
I won’t stop
Even when my breathing slows
I feel the wind and the sun on my skin
I’m getting closer to seeing you
I just have to find the last man you saw
And guide my bullet true
Story Part 8
It’s finally come
I’ll go on no more
I’ve got one shot left
Bleeding on the floor
His last breath
Will be the last I see
I can see him now
Smiling at me
I’ve seen him before
With your blood on his hands
Walking out the door
I’ve got one last chance
chorus
I killed a murderer
I watched his cold heart bleed
His bloodshot eyes
Are the one’s I’ve waited to see
Him and I are dying side by side
But our blood won’t blend
Two murderers like truth and lies
Heaven for me, Hell for him
chorus
I killed a murderer
I watched his cold heart bleed
His bloodshot eyes
Are the one’s I’ve waited to see
It’s finally come
I’ll go on no more
I’m finished here
I see you through the door
Story Part 9
We’ve been here forever now
How did we get here anyway?
There’s a cloudy street and an open door
A man walking away, going home to his family
chorus
We’re living off riches in the street
On an island in the sea
No one leaves, they only come
No one knows where they’re from
We’ll be here forever now
Drown a new sin everyday
The sun is overhead
And the past is a shadow never seen
Answer:
I might try a line-by-line later, but for now I will make some general comments. I like it. Some of the lines are awkward/cliche/whatever, but in general, it's good stuff. Your witing has improved quite a lot since you first started posting.
And, I've been working on a concept album with a much simpler story for about a year now, and it isn't nearly as close to finished and polished as yours is. So congratulations, I think you've got a good thing here.
Answer:
Yeah, I basically wanted to get my main thoughts into song form. I'm in the process of reworking the songs to finish them up.
This took me about a week to do. I wrote the story in class one day, then got back to my dorm and added details. Then I wrote the rest in the next couple days.
Answer:
It's pretty good, but it's not my style, so that taints my judgement of it.