Question:
The Dead Won't Dance While We're Alive
I like to swing dance mournfully
When the trumpets are playing out of key
And the big brass band plays a sorrowful tune
And the sax comes in too soon
[build]
Your memory plays like a trombone sliding
Haphazardly down a scale
My emotions are awkwardly gliding
I'll roll my hat down my sleeve to your hand
[chorus]
The music resounds with the sound of a thousand beating hearts
And we are found dancing around the surrounding body parts
We dance among the dead and dying
If we are alive, it's not for trying
And I can't stand this song they're playing
And yet my body can't stop swaying
[build]
[chorus]
[bridge]
My heart is beating like a drum solo
You caught me in full strum
This song has taken its share of victims
How do we know we're not the next ones?
Answer:
Well, my first thought is to ask "what the heck?" Then my second thought is that it looks rather cool.
I'll try to post a line-by-line later.
Answer:
Well, beat me over the head with an extended metaphor, why don't you? Oops... you already did.
(gosh, I'm in a really harsh mood tonight... or at least that's how it's sounding; I don't mean that to be rude)
No, in all seriousness... I like the idea, but it's too much of a good thing, Skeeter Dan. At least, for me.
I'm not one to tell people to go changing their work, so I won't.
What was cool at the beginning seems cheeky by the end, that's all.
Answer:
Heh, fair enough Nate. I feel like I forced it in the second verse and bridge actually, so I'm planning on a re-write there.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Skeeter I like to swing dance mournfully
When the trumpets are playing out of key
And the big brass band plays a sorrowful tune
And the sax comes in too soon So far so good.
Your memory plays like a trombone sliding
Haphazardly down a scale
My emotions are awkwardly gliding
I'll roll my hat down my sleeve to your hand The music scale metaphor is really interesting. And though is may be irrelevant, that last line about rolling your hat reminds me of some big band era imagery.
The music resounds with the sound of a thousand beating hearts
And we are found dancing around the surrounding body parts It's good. I can't say anything really sticks out as far as lyrical content goes, but it's not bad.
We dance among the dead and dying
If we are alive, it's not for trying
And I can't stand this song they're playing
And yet my body can't stop swaying I really like this verse a lot. Forced? Well, maybe. But it keeps the song humming along while trying to sober up for the ending.
My heart is beating like a drum solo
You caught me in full strum
This song has taken its share of victims
How do we know we're not the next ones? Okay, this does come off as somewhat cheesy, and since you've already going to re-write it, I'm not going to try and stop you
As I'm sure you know, metaphors about being emotionally dead have pretty much been done to death, but you've managed to put an interesting twist on it with the brass instruments and swing dancing imagery.
I'll be looking forward to seeing the re-tooled version.
Answer:
On your way to a pretty decent song.
IMHO use the metaphore in the first verse but extend it past the 4 lines maybe 6 or 8 would do. then in the second verse it would be nice if you relate it directly to what's going on in your life situation that's promting this song. I see where your comming from I just don't feel connected to the song yet but I'm sure I will once you re-write it.
Great job.
Joe