Question:
tell me what you think about this song...i have a feeling you might get on to me for the "me" two lines in a row in the chorus. i couldn't think of a better way to put it without taking away from the meaning. so i'm still working on that part.
(V1)
Feels like the buzzer of an alarm clock
At six a.m.
Hit snooze to make the noises stop
To sleep again
Back into dreams and fantasy
But still we know
Ten minutes later ask the question
Will we let go?
(Pre-CH)
Or drift a little longer into perfect sleep
A rude awakening when we’re back in reality
To drift a little longer into perfect time
A rude awakening when poetry loses its rhyme
(CH)
We need to let go and face reality
When dreams feel so good, but they’ll never be
I’ll make the best of all that's here for me
It’s better anyway for you and me
(V2)
Feels like the final day of summer
Let’s take it slow
We’re needing just a little longer
Before we go
These were the days of perfection
But was it real?
Time only moves in one direction
What do you feel?
(Pre-CH)
To drift a little longer into perfect time
A rude awakening when poetry loses its rhyme
Or drift a little longer into perfect sleep
A rude awakening when we’re back in reality
(CH)
We need to let go and face reality
When dreams feel so good, but they’ll never be
I’ll make the best of all that I can see
It’s better anyway for you and me
Answer:
I'll get to critiquing this song later (I love the title), but I'd just like to request that you keep to posting just one song per day or so, as there are a lot of other songs that people have posted that are looking for critique as well. Also, try commenting and critiquing other people's songs as well to keep up the feeling of community here. Let's help each other out.
Cheers.
Answer:
o alright. will do. sorry about that.
Answer:
No problem at all. This forum lives and dies on the support from its members. I'll try to review your songs sometime tonight or tomorrow.
Answer:
Originally Posted by PunkRocker tell me what you think about this song...i have a feeling you might get on to me for the "me" two lines in a row in the chorus. i couldn't think of a better way to put it without taking away from the meaning. so i'm still working on that part. We'll see.
(V1)
Feels like the buzzer of an alarm clock
At six a.m.
Hit snooze to make the noises stop
To sleep again
Back into dreams and fantasy
But still we know
Ten minutes later ask the question
Will we let go? First five lines do a great job of capturing the image of waking in the morning, but the last three get to vague. It doesn't let me know what you're singing about at all. Will you let go of what? What do we know? Give me something to grasp hold of so that I can put the rest of the song in a proper context right from the beginning.
(Pre-CH)
Or drift a little longer into perfect sleep
A rude awakening when we’re back in reality
To drift a little longer into perfect time
A rude awakening when poetry loses its rhyme I like the first three lines here. The idea of drifting into sleep and into time works well. But the last line here seems out of place. You're talking about sleeping and time and then you suddenly jump into poetry? What's the deal? Try to stick with the same image and expand on it more.
(CH)
We need to let go and face reality
When dreams feel so good, but they’ll never be
I’ll make the best of all that's here for me
It’s better anyway for you and me The abundance of long-e sounds gets to me, and you're right that I don't like the double use of me here. I get what you're saying here, and the chorus does a decent job of summing up the meaning of the song, but it's a little blunt, especially the last couple lines. I'd like to see a little more imagery here.
(V2)
Feels like the final day of summer
Let’s take it slow
We’re needing just a little longer
Before we go
These were the days of perfection
But was it real?
Time only moves in one direction
What do you feel? Good stuff. You stick with the image of summer a little better than you stuck with the image of sleeping and your meaning is much more clear. The "real/feel" rhyme kills me, but I like what you're saying. "Time only moves in one direction" is a great line and it works well as the title.
]quote]
(Pre-CH)
To drift a little longer into perfect time
A rude awakening when poetry loses its rhyme
Or drift a little longer into perfect sleep
A rude awakening when we’re back in reality[/quote]
I like that you switch up the order of the lines, but the poetry line still doesn't work.
Good stuff, all in all. Good use of a few distinct images. I like how you stuck with the images you had for the most part rather than jumping around between metaphors. I like this song. With a little polishing it could be great.
Answer:
thanks man. i appreciate the critique.
Answer:
I disagree with you skeeter about the "...when poetry...". i wasn't confused about it "jumping" like that. That line really caught my attention when i read it as something i really like.
thats my opinion, don't take it personally.
Answer:
...maybe it's because we're both emo...hmm...