Question:
here is a new one. i just wrote it, and for me personally, the music is the best part...haha, so i guess you'll just have to wait to hear it recorded someday.
until then though...this is probably the first song that i've written that the music somewhat resembles what is being sung. not in any sort of flashy way, like there's not lightning strikes or anything. but the music is flowy like rain... i guess is the best way to put it.
anyways, please let me know what you think of this song. thanks
patd.
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the storm
pat dryburgh
Verse 1:
The clouds in the atmosphere
The rain cutting through the air
The thunder claps with a cheer
And lightning strikes like a spear
Chorus:
The storm
Oh what a beautiful sight
The rain crashing through the light
The waters they flood the sky
And I am reminded
Of you
Verse 2:
The droplets of water fall
Filling the cracks in these walls
The pillars of clouds stand tall
And I am consumed by it all
Answer:
Originally Posted by paat Verse 1:
The clouds in the atmosphere
The rain cutting through the air
The thunder claps with a cheer
And lightning strikes like a spear Nicely phrased. The rhymes don't feel awkward, which is the one dange with such a rhyming scheme.
Chorus:
The storm
Oh what a beautiful sight
The rain crashing through the light
The waters they flood the sky
And I am reminded
Of you Nice and simple ending to the chorus. I'd have to hear it, but I could see you putting together a nice little hook on those lines. Waters flooding the sky is an interesting little image as well.
Verse 2:
The droplets of water fall
Filling the cracks in these walls
The pillars of clouds stand tall
And I am consumed by it all Not quite as strong as the first verse, but certainly suitable and solid. Good work.
All in all, I would say that you have really improved in your songwriting. This is solid work; it's well-crafted and well-worded.
Answer:
Verse 1:
The clouds in the atmosphere
The rain cutting through the air
The thunder claps with a cheer
And lightning strikes like a spear I agree with Skeeter that these lines work really well together, and the only thing I'd note is that 'air' is assonant, and everything else actually rhymes. I'm not sure if it's a problem, but it jumped at me, so I felt it was worth noting.
Chorus:
The storm
Oh what a beautiful sight
The rain crashing through the light
The waters they flood the sky
And I am reminded
Of you Nice. I like the flow here. "they" seems a little bit awkward in the fourth line.
Verse 2:
The droplets of water fall
Filling the cracks in these walls
The pillars of clouds stand tall
And I am consumed by it all Oho. I like how you use the assonance/rhyme structure again. This may erase my criticism on the first verse.
This verse is a touch weaker, almost redundant.
Overall, I like it a lot. Insofar as my reasons for liking it, Skeeter has politely put them at the bottom of his post.
Answer:
Wow, thanks very much skeeter and small (sorry...I don't really know anyone's real name...)
I don't really know what "assonance" means...maybe you could help me out?
I will try to get some more newer songs up. Until then, thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement!
patrick