Question:
That's not the title of the song, for the record. I just wrote it. It took ten minutes. I have music for it, too. It's about something that I experienced not too long ago and I'm still recovering from.
I think the words it uses are, simply put, wrong. I like some of the themes I used, but I couldn't word it correctly.
I'm putting it up here to get some (brutal if necessary) constructive criticism, and possibly some suggestions on how to reword it.
Not long ago I felt as though
Earth's gravitational field just kinda let go
And I was floating through the air carefree
And happy, but then I got too careless
I had my eyes fixed on what was real
The shining light it led my way
But something caught my eye
And drew me away, I fell away
I need something to grab my eye (pull me away from distraction)
I need to get away from whatever breaks my concentration
I could have sworn my distraction
Had started out just like me
But her eye got caught in mine
And now she's also singing
I need something to grab my eye (pull me away from distraction)
I need to get away from whatever breaks my concentration
I need your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention was
My wings are broken I can't fly
But you can mend them so I can soar through the air again
I had my eyes fixed on what was real
The shining light it led my way
But something caught my eye
And drew me away, I fell away
I need your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention was
My wings are broken I can't fly
But you can mend them so I can soar through the air again
You gave your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention was
You fixed my wings so I can fly
So I could be carefree again, so help me not be careless
Answer:
I think the story behind the song is very real. I really like it.
Originally Posted by RubberChipmunk I had my eyes fixed on what was real
The shining light it led my way
But something caught my eye
And drew me away, I fell away
I'm not very good a ripping apart songs, but I think you could get away with saying 'I fell down' Because with the end of the verse not rhyming with the rest of it, I think I can show dissapointment in an anti-climatical sort of way.
I'm probibly wrong, but that my 2 cents.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Your username messes up quotes, Diceface I think the story behind the song is very real. I really like it.
I'm not very good a ripping apart songs, but I think you could get away with saying 'I fell down' Because with the end of the verse not rhyming with the rest of it, I think I can show dissapointment in an anti-climatical sort of way.
I'm probibly wrong, but that my 2 cents. The story behind it is incredibly real . Thanks for liking it .
I think I'm going to leave the verses as is, for the most part.
Specifically, the parts I hate are:
I need something to grab my eye (pull me away from distraction)
I need to get away from whatever breaks my concentration
I need your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention was
My wings are broken I can't fly
But you can mend them so I can soar through the air again
You gave your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention was
You fixed my wings so I can fly
So I could be carefree again, so help me not be careless
Answer:
I was just thinking about this song: I really do like it, Eric. Since you asked for suggestions, here are 2 alternatives.
I need your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention was
My wings are broken, and I can't fly
But you can mend them and bring me back to your Most High
I need your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention is
My wings are broken, and I can't fly
But you can humble me, and remind me of how your Son died
Answer:
Originally Posted by Building429_Boy I was just thinking about this song: I really do like it, Eric. Since you asked for suggestions, here are 2 alternatives.
I need your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention was
My wings are broken, and I can't fly
But you can mend them and bring me back to your Most High
I need your light to pierce the darkness
That clouded my perception of what your true intention is
My wings are broken, and I can't fly
But you can humble me, and remind me of how your Son died I think I'm more going for the opposite direction on those than that.