Question:
Uh... hi! I haven't been here in a while mostly because I thought music was over for me and I wasn't getting anywhere with it. Turns out I was kind of in a writer's block. I still am, but I managed a re-write of a former song. If any of you remember it, Lord help you XD... anyways, this is kind of a punkish song about how you go through life with bare feet and your sins scar them, but when you find the Lord, He gives you shoes and polishes them each time you sin...
The Shoe Song
Vs. 1
I'm standing still in this barren place
Afraid to take another step
For my feet are bare and these rocks tear
At my soul with each misstep (Note: yeah... I know bad rhyme)
Then I found You and Your words true
And they healed me swollen feet
You gave me shoes when I did choose
Your path of life so sweet.
Pre-Chorus thing...
On this path the road is straight
It leads to life with You
But other Paths beckoned me past
Where holes about are strewn
There I fell and it felt like Hell
had taken a hold of me
I looked down at my shoes now marked
and dirt smeared on my feet
I cried...
Chorus:
Oh no! Got a scuff mark on my shoes!
Looks bad, whatever shall I do?
Please, Lord, I know that I have sinned
Can You send Your Polish and clean me up again?
Vs. 2
Now down again I walk this path
My shoes again do shine
And when I stray away from You
You polish them each time
I have to say I love you Lord
but I don't deserve Your soles
But nevertheless You keep me blessed
With socks if my feet get cold.
But...
(Pre-chorus thing)
(Chorus)
Any suggestions/comments would really help and be appreciated.
Thanks for listening to my silly song lol...
Answer:
The premise is entertaining, and you have a lot of puns thrown in, and that makes the song fun, but I'd recommend a bit of touch-up work, like-
Then I found You and Your words true
And they healed me swollen feet
You gave me shoes when I did choose
Your path of life so sweet. here, the first line is awkward, and the third is even more so. A change might be in order there.
On this path the road is straight
It leads to life with You
But other Paths beckoned me past
Where holes about are strewn
There I fell and it felt like Hell
had taken a hold of me
I looked down at my shoes now marked
and dirt smeared on my feet
I cried... This part caught my attention, because it doesn't make much sense. I'm seeing so far in the song that you mix tenses a bit, and that's not always a bad thing, but it can make a song more complicated.
Oh no! Got a scuff mark on my shoes!
Looks bad, whatever shall I do?
Please, Lord, I know that I have sinned
Can You send Your Polish and clean me up again? Nice way to make your chorus the focal point of the song.
Now down again I walk this path
My shoes again do shine
And when I stray away from You
You polish them each time If you could kill the "do" this would be better.
I have to say I love you Lord
but I don't deserve Your soles
But nevertheless You keep me blessed
With socks if my feet get cold.
But... Interesting way to lead back around to the chorus, probably the best lyrics in the song.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small The premise is entertaining, and you have a lot of puns thrown in, and that makes the song fun, but I'd recommend a bit of touch-up work, like-
here, the first line is awkward, and the third is even more so. A change might be in order there.
What would you suggest I do here, then? I can't really think of another way to word it (probably because I'm half asleep...), but I'll try to reword it a little.
This part caught my attention, because it doesn't make much sense. I'm seeing so far in the song that you mix tenses a bit, and that's not always a bad thing, but it can make a song more complicated.
Er... the "beckoned" wasn't supposed to have 'ed' it kinda slipped in here when I posted this around midnight. And I'l try to work on my tenses...
Nice way to make your chorus the focal point of the song.
Thanks hehe...
If you could kill the "do" this would be better. Well, i could do that, but then the rhythm is off unless I strech out words, but then the tune gets messed up... I'll figure out another way to fit the words in.
Interesting way to lead back around to the chorus, probably the best lyrics in the song.
Thanks... I thought it was kind of corny, but maybe not XD
Thanks for looking at the song and for the tips/suggestions. I appreciate them.
Answer:
Maybe I am just in a darker mood, but I find the scuff line in the chorus and the polish bit in the second verse a little cheesy. The start to your song's metaphor is very good and quite strong. Follow the strength out with a stronger analogy in the chorus and second verse and you'll have a winner. Maybe trt to work you taking your shoes off into the pre chorus, and work of that instead of the scuff/polish lines.