Question:
I wrote this song in about 20 minutes before we left for Bible Study...I've written about 60 in the past year and this is one of my favorites...the tune would somewhat remind you of John Mayer or James Blunt or Gavin Degraw's not-so popular stuff...considering that's the style music I sing/write
Verse One
sun goes down at five today
why are making that face at me?
when I'm running on the half-built dock
how could you not see
me on my broken knees with my broken wings
with a broken clock in my hand (in)
Chorus
January, Oh January
Pulling me down by my waist
January, Oh January,
Bringing me down to disgrace (in)
January
Verse Two
sun goes down at six today
but it doesn't seem to phase you
that I'm standing on sinking sand
and I don't know what to do
with my broken mask slipping through so fast
to a place where it sure won't last (in)
Outro
sun goes down at nine today
when I look you into your eyes
it's been so long since I felt this way
and for once it's not cold outside
and for once it's not cold in my life
and for once it's not cold in your eyes (in)
August, Oh August,
We have no time to waste
August, Oh August,
I still want your grace
In January
And please, please...heavy critiquing...I'm a preforming artist and I really like people to tell me the truth
Answer:
I understand the main purpose of the song, but you have alot of random lines thrown in that throw the song off. Your verses both switch metaphors abruptly. The second isn't as bad because if you think about, it wraps up but the fourth line interupts the image and throws the listener for a loop. I would re-write your verses and develop one image thoroughly.
Also, your chorus doesn't seem to say anything besides "january". The second and third lines seem to be throw-away cliche lines.
Answer:
I really like it, but the broken clock line in the first verse makes me wonder what you're talking about. Expound on that a little.
But besides that, I think it's a great song.
Answer:
Hey guys, thanks a lot...this is the first time I let someone read this song, on here.
Adam, I understand waht you mean about the metaphors changing fast...I never really noticed it and I'm glad you pointed it out, it's just that with the rhthym of the song, I don't know what words would fit there without changing the chords/rhthym. Oh well..I guess I just need to revamp the whole song. But thanks again..I'm going to post the mp3 on here soon..maybe someone can help me better then
Answer:
yeah, it's not bad. I've seen alot more confusing songs, and it's and interesting picture, I'm just not sure what it's saying.
In my comment about the chorus, I meant to say the second and fourth lines. But now that I look back over it, I'm not sure that it's as cliche as I thought. "waist" seems to come out of nowhere and seems random, but I don't think it's a problem. An mp3 would be swell, I'm anxious to hear it.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Adam_8287 "waist" seems to come out of nowhere and seems random, but I don't think it's a problem.
Ha yeah, I have a bad habit of adding phrases from some of my older works which I never let anyone read which of course, confusing everyone but me but yeah, I'm working on that.
The song is mostly about someone going through a hard time and "January" represents a new year like, it's a new year and nothing's changing really. It just keeps getting worse and when I get to the park about "August," it's supposed to be about how things are getting better and the final line, "I still want you grace in January," is about how the person still hopes things are okay when they hit the beginning of the year again. And I added the mp3...I can't sing that well, but at least you can hear the song.
Answer:
yeah, it helps alot to hear it. I don't see any problems with the lyrics now. However, I think you should change the chorus a little. On the first and second lines, you start singing right as you hit the first chord, but the second and fourth lines you start singing between the first and second beats. I would start the second and forth lines on the first beat, I kept wanting to hear that and anticipating hearing lyrics there. I can hear some harmony on the chorus too, do you plan on adding some?
Answer:
I'm not in any place to be critiquing songwriting, but I have to say, I love your voice. Seriously. Contraltos are awesome.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Adam_8287 On the first and second lines, you start singing right as you hit the first chord, but the second and fourth lines you start singing between the first and second beats. I would start the second and forth lines on the first beat..
Geez, I never noticed that until you mentioned it...I really need to be paying you, lol. And yeah, I do plan on adding some harmony to the chorus, actually. That is, if I ever really record this thing. I just did this on my old laptop.
and to Mtlmouth: Thanks a lot..besides my mom I'm not sure I've heard that...that definitely made me smile.