Question:
Suggestions would be cool. I'm not sure I like the bridge very much, and I don't really have an opinion about the rest of the song, so some critique would definitely be helpful. If your claws are out, go for it.
Fairy Tales are Lies.
My memories are vague sculptures in lace,
Misty lines of detail almost too fine to trace,
Stars and fireflies and ghosts
On starry July nights when the earth is swarmed with fireflies,
And the wind blows your hair and the moon shines in your eyes,
I hope you remember me,
Like I do you,
Lucky like a third son in a fairy tale,
Wistfully laid plans don’t always fail,
But fairy tales are all just lies
On starry July nights when the earth is swarmed with fireflies,
And the wind blows your hair and the moon shines in your eyes,
I hope you remember me,
Like I do you,
Fairy tale heroes live happily ever after,
Smiles and songs and peels of laughter,
I have haunted nights and memories,
On starry July nights when the earth is swarmed with fireflies,
And the wind blows your hair and the moon shines in your eyes,
I hope you remember me,
Like I do you,
The stars are falling,
I don’t know what to wish for,
Perhaps to be remembered,
But that doesn’t matter,
Not anymore.
Answer:
My memories are vague sculptures in lace,
Misty lines of detail almost too fine to trace,
Stars and fireflies and ghosts The second line seems a bit awkward syallble-wise. But I really like it, the third line really makes me anticipate what's coming.
On starry July nights when the earth is swarmed with fireflies,
And the wind blows your hair and the moon shines in your eyes,
I hope you remember me,
Like I do you,
I felt lucky like a third son in a fairy tale,
Wistfully laid plans don’t always fail,
But fairy tales are all just lies Is there a specific reason for italics? Because, if executed correctly, this could be a really great dual vocal song.
On starry July nights when the earth is swarmed with fireflies,
And the wind blows your hair and the moon shines in your eyes,
I hope you remember me,
Like I do you,
Fairy tale heroes live happily ever after,
Smiles and songs and peels of laughter,
I have stars and memories, I like it.
The stars are falling,
I don’t know what to wish for,
Maybe for you to remember me,
But that doesn’t matter,
Not anymore. This is kinda weak by itsself, but it works well in the context of the song.
Overall, it's a really great song. I'm looking forward to hearing your CD when it comes out. (Any idea of when that's gonna happen?)
Answer:
Originally Posted by Mattlock Is there a specific reason for italics? Because, if executed correctly, this could be a really great dual vocal song.
Yeah, actually, there is. I positioned that part wrong. I'm gonna have to edit that.
The second line seems a bit awkward syallble-wise. But I really like it, the third line really makes me anticipate what's coming. Yeah. I noticed the second line too. Perhaps I'll smooth it out a little bit. Thanks for pointing that out.
I like it. Thankyou.
This is kinda weak by itsself, but it works well in the context of the song. Yeah. If inspiration bowls me over, I may rewrite this part as well. I'm not sure.
Overall, it's a really great song. I'm looking forward to hearing your CD when it comes out. (Any idea of when that's gonna happen?) Nope. Not yet. I'll let you know when it does, though.
Answer:
My memories are vague sculptures in lace,
Misty lines of detail almost too fine to trace,
Stars and fireflies and ghosts That is a lovely first line, for sure.
On starry July nights when the earth is swarmed with fireflies,
And the wind blows your hair and the moon shines in your eyes,
I hope you remember me,
Like I do you, I really like your chorus, but the last line seems kinda awkward. However, I can totally see why you would word it that way... saying "remember" again would sound pretty bad.
The stars are falling,
I don’t know what to wish for,
Maybe for you to remember me,
But that doesn’t matter,
Not anymore. Awesome ending.
Very nice.
Answer:
Oh man. I love it. I'm not even going to critique it.
Answer:
Originally Posted by SarahTheGuitarist That is a lovely first line, for sure.
Thank-you, I always hope I get at least one lovely line in.
I really like your chorus, but the last line seems kinda awkward. However, I can totally see why you would word it that way... saying "remember" again would sound pretty bad.
Really? I never even thought of that, I don't think. Hmm.
Awesome ending.
Thanks. I did change one line, though.
Originally Posted by Godslilrosebud Oh man. I love it. I'm not even going to critique it. Ooh. Thank-you.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small Suggestions would be cool. I'm not sure I like the bridge very much, and I don't really have an opinion about the rest of the song, so some critique would definitely be helpful. If your claws are out, go for it.
Fairy Tales are Lies.
My memories are vague sculptures in lace,
Misty lines of detail almost too fine to trace,
Stars and fireflies and ghosts
I like these lines alot but I wish I knew what these sculptures were of, or what your memories are of. You paint a picture, but it seems to me like an outline that needs filling in. Though you do add some fill and color in the rest of the song, but I'd like to see more establishment in the first verse.
On starry July nights when the earth is swarmed with fireflies,
And the wind blows your hair and the moon shines in your eyes,
I hope you remember me,
Like I do you,
the second line seems awkward with "in" in it. the first half of the line doesn't have it in there but the second half does, if not sung right I could see it coming off as awkward. But I'm guessing your music works with it, so I won't worry about it.
I felt lucky like a third son in a fairy tale,
Wistfully laid plans don’t always fail,
But fairy tales are all just lies
"Wistfully" seems awkward with the words that surround it. It's hard for me to say coming out of "tale" and going into "laid", I think the L sounds clash a bit with it. But again, with the right music and spacing it could work well, as long as you give "wistfully" it's space.
Fairy tale heroes live happily ever after,
Smiles and songs and peels of laughter,
I have haunted nights and memories,
This verse works very well. I like how it finally seems to bring the coldness you feel to the surface with that last line. You start by giving a nice image, what things could have been, then replace it with how things are. Good work.
I like your bridge too (I accidentally cut it out when I cut out the last repeated chorus..oops). It's nothing new or special but in the context of the song it doesn't come off as old, good stuff.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small My memories are vague sculptures in lace,
Misty lines of detail almost too fine to trace,
Stars and fireflies and ghosts I like it, nice imagery to start the song with.
On starry July nights when the earth is swarmed with fireflies,
And the wind blows your hair and the moon shines in your eyes,
I hope you remember me,
Like I do you, I really like the chorus, and congrats for pulling those first two lines off without them sounding forced. Not sure if the last line works all that well, but I can't think of any alternatives at the moment.
I felt lucky like a third son in a fairy tale,
Wistfully laid plans don’t always fail,
But fairy tales are all just lies
The first line is five syllables longer then the second, which makes this verse awkard to read. You may want to hack off a couple of syllables to makes that line flow better, I would suggests getting rid of "I felt".
Fairy tale heroes live happily ever after,
Smiles and songs and peels of laughter,
I have haunted nights and memories, This is probably your best verse, and best lyric in the song.
The stars are falling,
I don’t know what to wish for,
Perhaps to be remembered,
But that doesn’t matter,
Not anymore. Not bad, it ties into the chorus and main theme pretty well and makes a good ending.
This is just an idea, but have you considered mashing the first two and last two verse together? It seems like they would compliment each other well and the three line verse just look really short to me. Of course, that may be exactly what you're going for, so I'll just say that you've done it again man. Keep up the great writing.
Answer:
I agree with supanova about combining the verses. I think doing that would give you a better introduction to the song.
Answer:
Originally Posted by Small Ooh. Thank-you. You're welcome. I want to hear your band. It's gotta be good with such a talented writer. *grins* I'M NEVER GOING TO CHANGE MY SIGNATURE! (At least, until the next time. )