Question:
This one has a slant to the bizarre, so if you can get past that, have fun ripping it apart. Other than that, I don't have a lot to say.
Montagues and Capulets Redefined in Three Acts, With The Final Act Being An Explanation
The court held once last ball before you rode away to war,
And you did yourself proud with your manners and your nimble feet on the floor,
You danced with one noble’s daughter almost the length of the night,
She shone like a galaxy of stars and in your arms, perilously light,
Like a cloud, or a vapor passing through your heart,
Whispering into her jewel bedecked ears until the clock tore you apart.
And she breathed your name at midnight when you trooped off to the field.
But you’re just a common boy,
And tomorrow you’ll be dead,
Last night the USO presented a program for the homesick GI’s,
After the show there was a dance and you met a girl with black hair and brown eyes,
She was rich and French and slim but generous enough to grant you a kiss,
It made you forget the girl in Wyoming you swore you’d always miss,
The French girl’s smile is like a chain anchored in your chest,
You both danced with others but none of them held your slightest interest.
And she breathed your name at midnight when you trooped off to the field.
But you’re just a common boy,
And tomorrow you’ll be dead.
Separated by miles of paper notes and mountains of gold and jewels,
Classes held apart by the pride of the people and a million unwritten rules,
Is there anything in the world that can shatter inhibition?
Could anything drive the proud to their delicate knees in tear-drenched contrition?
Or cause calloused hands and hearts to be engulfed in yours?
And stun into simultaneous silence the hearts of paupers and murderers and lords?
And we breathe Your name in reverence as we troop off to the field.

All of us just common children,
And tomorrow we’ll be dead,
Human love is damned to exacerbate pain,
Love makes widows out of virgins,
Daggers out of graves,
Love keeps the hearts given to the dead,
But reaches across leaden barriers,
To give corpses life again
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That's hardcore...I like it alot...no critique from me...
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It's gonna take me a few read-throughs to understand, but I don't even care. Reading your songs is always a pleasure.
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That's pretty cool...it's like a war song, right?
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Originally Posted by Small Montagues and Capulets Redefined in Three Acts, With The Final Act Being An Explanation *takes a deep breath* Here we go.....
The court held once last ball before you rode away to war,
And you did yourself proud with your manners and your nimble feet on the floor,
You danced with one noble’s daughter almost the length of the night,
She shone like a galaxy of stars and in your arms, perilously light,
Like a cloud, or a vapor passing through your heart,
Whispering into her jewel bedecked ears until the clock tore you apart. I really like how detailed the story you're telling is. And an incredibly detailed one at that. Just based on reading it, the rhythm seems like it could be uneven, but I don't think it will be that big of a deal.
And she breathed your name at midnight when you trooped off to the field.
Nice touch, reminding us about his girl back home. The repetition works well to drive home your point.
But you’re just a common boy,
And tomorrow you’ll be dead, Looks okay on paper, I think the music will make or break this though.
Last night the USO presented a program for the homesick GI’s,
After the show there was a dance and you met a girl with black hair and brown eyes,
She was rich and French and slim but generous enough to grant you a kiss,
It made you forget the girl in Wyoming you swore you’d always miss,
The French girl’s smile is like a chain anchored in your chest,
You both danced with others but none of them held your slightest interest. It's different from the first verse, but it carries the story along without missing a beat, cool. I think that third line is my favorite one in the whole song.
Separated by miles of paper notes and mountains of gold and jewels,
Classes held apart by the pride of the people and a million unwritten rules,
Is there anything in the world that can shatter inhibition?
Could anything drive the proud to their delicate knees in tear-drenched contrition?
Or cause calloused hands and hearts to be engulfed in yours?
And stun into simultaneous silence the hearts of paupers and murderers and lords? I like it, but I'm not sure what just happened here, or how it relates to the adultery story you've been telling.
And we breathe Your name in reverence as we troop off to the field.
All of us just common children,
And tomorrow we’ll be dead, I assume the guy got killed in action? Still not sure how the third verse relates to this (if it's even suppose to that is).
Human love is damned to exacerbate pain,
Love makes widows out of virgins,
Daggers out of graves,
Love keeps the hearts given to the dead,
But reaches across leaden barriers,
To give corpses life again You're writing talent really shines here, nice bridge to drive everything home.
And again, though I like the tite, I'm not to sure what Romeo and Juliet's parents have to do with anything. But all minor complaints aside this song is good. Damn good, actually. Keep up the great writing man.
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Can I join your band?
This is seriously some of your best work yet. You're going to be famous someday, I garuntee it.
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The third verse seems seperate from the rest of the song. It almost seems to me that you turn your story into an alegory for someone's relationship with God. Not in itself a bad thing, but I don't think it works in this song. Your story of adultry is stunningly powerful by itself, adding in another aspect will detract from that.
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wow
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I love these lines:
Human love is damned to exacerbate pain,
Love makes widows out of virgins,
Daggers out of graves,
Love keeps the hearts given to the dead,
But reaches across leaden barriers,
To give corpses life again May I put them in my signature?
Not sure what to say about the rest, but I kinda go along with SupaNova.
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Originally Posted by Adam_8287 The third verse seems seperate from the rest of the song. It almost seems to me that you turn your story into an alegory for someone's relationship with God. Not in itself a bad thing, but I don't think it works in this song. Your story of adultry is stunningly powerful by itself, adding in another aspect will detract from that. I specifically wrote them all to be a tad separate from each other, since instead of three verses of the same song, it's supposed to be something like three acts of one story. Or of one concept, even.
I admit that the third verse seems a little bit strange--but, in broad terms, it contains the conclusion to the two stories from earlier. I designed it in such a way that if you want it to be a song about adultery, or human love, it works. If you want it to be an allegory, that works too, but the real concept for the song is this: Human love is futile, and class, money, nationality, etc. will keep people apart, ending in tragedy, like the stories in the song. Perfect love, on the other hand, isn't a doomed proposition, and can actually break through all those barriers. I admit that the stories might be more flawless without the third act, but if you're looking for the message of the song, the last act (third verse and outro) are the place to look.
Still, I admit freely that it's a touch incongruous with the other two verses, but I don't see how I can fix it without ruining my song. Thanks for the RC.
[QUOTERockstar0173]wow [/quote]
Heh. Thanks man.
Originally Posted by GodslilRosebud May I put them in my signature? Yes, but attribute them to YoursTruly, not to Small.
Not sure what to say about the rest, but I kinda go along with SupaNova. Thanks. The third verse is somewhat...well. It's the final act, what can I say?
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ok, I understand now. I think if you are looking for the message to be the main focus of the song then you need something earlier in the song. reading through it I was engrossed in the story, expecting a conclusion in the third verse but was thrown for a loop and my concentration was interrupted because I couldn't follow what you were saying without re-reading and readjusting in my head.
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Originally Posted by Small Yes, but attribute them to YoursTruly, not to Small. Right. Did I do it correctly?