Question:
Tired Portrait
I'm sick of everyone making plans for me
I'm tired of trying my best to fail and fall
And I can't escape all these uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions
Yet I'm forced to keep on keeping on
Sometimes the hardest thing
is getting up and saying yes to life
And no one's on my side
I'm the portrait of everything I hate
I'm sick of being a face behind a number
I'm tried of fighting my way into the crowd
And the song repeating again in my head is getting old
It's screaming that I can't
Sometimes the hardest thing
is getting up and saying yes to life
And no one's on my side
I'm the portrait of everything I hate
And I watch myself drop lifelessly
And out of nowhere, I'm caught
He fills me high till I overflow
Sometimes the hardest thing
is getting up and saying yes to life
but He is on my side
And he repaints me, and gives me what I need
Yes, he changed my life, and gives me everything I need
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Unlucky Numbers - I'll explain this one real quick. I recently moved across the country (It's a hard move, any prayers are very much appriciated and needed), and God gave this to me in verses, the first 2 days before the move, the 2nd 1 day, and the last the day of the move.
Two days left here in my home
Fourty-eight hours where I belong
It's so surreal to say goodbye,
And know that I'm going to fall
Two is a pretty bad number
But at least it's better than one
One day here with my family
Too many days as a son
It's so surreal to be unable to fly
And watch from beyond as I trp into my fall
One is a pretty bad number,
But at least it's better than none
And now that I'm left with nothing
The son who wishes his parents were gone
It's so surreal to never hit bottom
As with gracelessness I fall
Zero's a pretty bad number,
But it may be better than every other one
And whatever number he favors,
That's the number I want
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Need to Get Off
I've een making these hopeless grabs at happiness
And I've caught up in my weak ideas and shallow goals
I'm tired of buying into all the jealousy and the greed
Stop the world! I want to get off
We spin too fast, and I'm getting lost
In everything material
Stop the world, I need to get off!
I've been hearing the stupidest things from my mouth these days
It seems that what I think is not exactly what I say
And I'm becoming the caricature of low ideals, and of hate
Stop the world! I want to get off
We spin too fast, and I'm getting lost
In everything material
Stop the world, I need to get off!
When everything leads to all this garbage
And all my houghts just smother my joy
What can I do to escape
the chaos and deadlines and troubles and trials, yeah?
Stop the world! I want to get off
We spin too fast, and I'm getting lost
In everything material
Stop the world, I need to get off!
Stop the world! I want to get off
We spin too fast, and I'm getting lost
In everything material
Stop the world, I need to get off!
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Worth The Wait
Our world is fragile and broken,
We're moving nowhere fast,
Everywhere there is fighting,
It's brought us down to our last,
We need a new kind of hero,
Somebody to lean on,
Someone better than a human,
Somebody worth the wait,
Can we rely on each other,
or will we drift away?
Nobody will help another,
Somethings gotta change,
We need a new kind of hero,
Somebody to lean on,
Someone better than a human,
Somebody worth the wait,
And who can we afford to trust?
Who can we afford to let save us?
How long can we wait,
before life fades away?
We need a new kind of hero,
Somebody to lean on,
Someone better than a human,
Somebody worth the wait,
We need a new kind of hero,
Somebody who we can trust,
Somebody better than us,
Somebody worth the wait,
Are you worth the wait?
Is anybody worth the wait?
--------------------------
Please be nice and give helpful critism. Thanks and God Bless.
Answer:
I'm gonna try to go through these a little bit at a time.
Originally Posted by Beyer413 Tired Portrait Your chorus on this one is good, but I don't think the verses are quite as good. They're not bad, they're just not anything that really grabs you. Basically, the verses are saying things which have been said before... which is ok. After all, no one would argue that enough love songs have been written and people should stop writing them. You should, however, try to say things in a fresh way; that's what grabs people! I think an example of this (and forgive the use of love songs for examples... they're just the easiest to find) is Jolene:
"Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
I'm begging of you please don't take my man
Jolene, Jolene, Jolene, Jolene
Please don't take him just because you can
Your beauty is beyond compare
With flaming locks of auburn hair
With ivory skin and eyes of emerald green
Your smile is like a breath of spring
Your voice is soft like summer rain
And I cannot compete with you, Jolene"
Jealousy and competing or a guy/girl are NOT new themes, but this song is definitely something different. At the same time, the way you sing a song can be more important that the lyrics anyway. Perfect example: I Will Always Love You. It's totally prosaic, but it works because of the amazing music (not to mention Dolly's amazing voice).
Ok, on to more specifics:
I'm sick of everyone making plans for me
I'm tired of trying my best to fail and fall
And I can't escape all these uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions
Yet I'm forced to keep on keeping on First thing I notice: what are "uncontrolled and uncontrollable addictions?"
It's great to move away from the prosaic to the poetic, but it doesn't help if no one can understand you (granted, I'm bad at understanding poetry).
I'm sick of being a face behind a number
I'm tried of fighting my way into the crowd
And the song repeating again in my head is getting old
It's screaming that I can't Again, I notice the third line first. What is this song you're talking about? This time your meaning is a little more clear but it's still a little cloudy too.
The first two lines go with what I was saying above. Nothing wrong with them, but they don't grab you.
As for the chorus, it's good. It's not 100% unique, but it flows and presents a clear meaning. Kudus!

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Unlucky Numbers Well, I tend to not be too critical of such personal songs since they seem to be more a matter of personal expression than public performance (and only songs that would be song to others really need to be critiqued). So, my only thought here is that you seem to have misused the word surreal.
It's so surreal to be unable to fly There is nothing surreal about NOT being able to fly. What would be surreal is if you could fly! I understand you're looking for a symmetry between the verses, but that doesn't mean you should change the meanings of words.

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Need to Get Off Well, this song seems to be the reverse of the first one. The verses are pretty good, but the chorus could've been written by anyone. In fact, it has been written by others. "Stop the world, I want to get off," has probably been printed on more bumper stickers and t-shirts than anyone could count. So, there's nothing wrong with saying it, but it's not gonna make your songs stand out in any way.

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Worth The Wait I like this song. If anything needs works, it's getting the verses to flow a little better. I like the way you end it, especially. The ending was worth the wait.
You've got good stuff; keep it up!