Question:
Ok, I've got four songs I wanna post. I'm gonna post two at a time, two today and two whenever I feel I've had an adequate response on the first two. For each song I have attached a rough (as in Windows sound recorder) recording of a portion of it. Pleeeeeeeeeaaaaaaase listen to the recording before you critique. I'd prefer a critique of the song as a whole, not just the words, though I still expect you to be plenty relentless in your examination of the words. (Note that I have changed from .wav to a medium-quality .mp3, to greatly reduce the size, so hopefully that will help speed your download)
Still, Small Voice
Words and music by Ben Bryan
1 Kings 19:11-12
(The recording of this one is of the first verse and chorus)
Verse 1:
I’m wandering through these ordinary days
Life seems just to go on
It’s seems like nothing’s ever gonna change
All the excitement is gone
I say, “Lord you seem so far away”
You say, “son, you’re wrong!”
Chorus:
“It’s not in the sudden splitting of the ground
Or in the violence of the wind
It’s not in the raging fire that I’m found
I’m in the still, small voice within.”
Verse 2:
I’ve been looking all over for giant signs and wonders
But I haven’t found a single one
I’ve been looking for You in all the wrong ways
Like looking in a cave for the sun
Lord, your voice is just a quiet whisper
But I’ve been listening for the shot of a gun
Chorus 2:
It’s not in the sudden splitting of the ground
Or in the violence of the wind
It’s not in the raging fire that You’re found
You’re in the still, small voice within.
Short Instrumental Bridge
Repeat Chorus
Take Your Thoughts Captive
Words and music by Ben Bryan
2 Corinthians 10:5, Ephesians 6:10-18
(The recording of this one is of the second verse, chorus, bridge, and chorus again)
Verse 1:
Your way of thinking’s simply gotta change
You’ve got too much filth running through your brain
You say you struggle to live a life of faith
Well, the struggle begins with what you think
Chorus:
Take your thoughts captive, purify your mind
Take your thoughts captive, the matter isn’t light
Take your thoughts captive, don’t be weak in God’s might.
Take your thoughts captive, conform your mind to Christ
Verse 2:
This is a war we’re in, not some sort of game
So pick up your sword and join the fray
And with the sword of the Word take up the shield of faith
‘Cause the glory of the of Lord hosts is at stake
CHORUS
Bridge:
It’s not against flesh and blood, but with spirits that we fight
That’s not a problem though, ‘cause God’s on our side.
CHORUS
Answer:
RC, anybody?
Answer:
Ok, I guess I'll just go ahead and post 2 more. (Please listen to and RC the first 2, though; personally I think they are better than the second two, but I wanna know what you think) Each of the two new ones has an attached recording (sound recorder, so low quality) of the first verse and chorus.
Regrets
Philippians 3:13-14, 1:6
Verse 1:
If I were to review all the times I’ve screwed up,
Starting on the day I was born,
No amount of time could ever be enough
To get me to the day I turned four.
I’ve made more mistakes than I could ever conceive
I’ve sinned against people I’ve never even seen.
Chorus:
But I’ve got no place for regrets
Cuz I know God’s got my best in mind,
And despite all my sins
God’s still at work in my life.
Verse 2:
I won’t let my past mistakes drag me in the dirt
When Satan tempts me to despair.
I won’t succumb to his slideshow of people I’ve hurt,
But that’s not to say I don’t care.
I truly am sorry for any and all of the people I’ve wronged,
But I can’t stop living life and singing my songs.
REPEAT CHORUS
INSTRUMENTAL VERSE
REPEAT CHORUS
Underneath The Flow
Verse 1:
I sit here watching this small stream
Erode the surface of the stones below.
The old rough stone is washed away
In its place soft algae grows
How much more will I be refined
By the raging river, Lord of your grace?
How much more will my sin be washed away
And by holiness be replaced?
Chorus:
I wanna be underneath the flow
I wanna be like the smooth stones
Lord wear me down to make me whole
Underneath Your flow
Verse 2:
I step into the stream
And feel the soft algae beneath
The smooth rocks and soothing water
Caress my feet
How much more should I
Show your love Lord, to everyone I meet?
So that I’d be soft algae to their souls
And they’d see You in me
CHORUS
Bridge:
I can’t wait for the day when my erosion is complete
On that day we’ll meet face to face and my eyes will finally see
CHORUS (with "I'm gonna be" instead of "I wanna be")
Answer:
Ten days and no RC, wow, I know they don't suck that bad. C'mon tear 'em up, someone, please.
Answer:
C'mon please. It's my birthday! For goodness' sake somebody give me the ever-valuable gift of criticism!
Answer:
Alright, I'm not very good at critiquing, since I usually have no clue what I'm talking about, but here's what I noticed:
Over all I liked them, better than I could do, that's for sure. I especially liked the color and variety in the chords. It's so nice to see things other than basic forms of I, ii, IV, V and vi chords.
In "Take Your Thoughts Captive". The second chord in each line of the chorus sounds a bit odd, maybe it's just too cliche. Mess around to see something that might fit better, possibly a stronger, more resolved chord. And in the second verse, the line "sword of the Word" just rubs me the wrong way... but I'm probably the only one that thinks that.
In "Regrets":
the line "To get me to the day I turned four" in the first verse seems a bit forced. As it looks like you picked a random age that would ryhme with "born". You may want to change that line.
Again, the line "But I can’t stop living life and singing my songs" is a bit random. It's the only place in the song that you've talked about singing a song, so the song idea isn't really relevent
The last line of the verse works, but it bugs me in that it seems just like a continuation/example of the line above it, when it doesn't bring much closure and resolve to the verse. This may be another thing that just bothers me, and isn't a real problem though.
I really like "Underneath the Flow". It's a good song, and can easily be made into a great song.
The line "In its place soft algae grows" is slightly out of place, you may want to finish the "erosion on the rock" theme.
I love the chorus, that's all I can say about that.
I haven't heard the second verse, so their may be some rythm problems with that, but I'm guessing you have that sorted out right. The only problem with that I have is the first half doesn't really relate to the second half. It becomes more of a problem when the relationship is assumed by "how much more should I...". If you can write the first half with something that's an example of love, or maybe do something else for the first half, it would work out.
But overall these are great songs, I like them a lot. And have a great birthday.
Answer:
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick Alright, I'm not very good at critiquing, since I usually have no clue what I'm talking about, Bull crap! You provided some great insights.
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick In "Take Your Thoughts Captive". The second chord in each line of the chorus sounds a bit odd, maybe it's just too cliche. Mess around to see something that might fit better, possibly a stronger, more resolved chord.
Are you saying just change the chord and leave the melody, or totally change the chords and melody? If the melody stays the same, I think the chord is fine. If you are suggesting I just mess around a little with the melody, then I'll mess around with it, but unless I stumble across a really good alternative, I'll probably just leave it.
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick In "Regrets":
the line "To get me to the day I turned four" in the first verse seems a bit forced. As it looks like you picked a random age that would ryhme with "born". You may want to change that line.
I see what you're saying, but I don't think it's something to worry about.
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick Again, the line "But I can’t stop living life and singing my songs" is a bit random. It's the only place in the song that you've talked about singing a song, so the song idea isn't really relevent
Here I must disagree with you. "Singing my songs" is just another way of saying "doing what I do." So I can't stop doing what I love to do just cuz I screwed up yesterday.
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick The last line of the verse works, but it bugs me in that it seems just like a continuation/example of the line above it, when it doesn't bring much closure and resolve to the verse. This may be another thing that just bothers me, and isn't a real problem though.
Are you talking about the same line as the previous comment here? I'm not sure what you mean.
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick The line "In its place soft algae grows" is slightly out of place, you may want to finish the "erosion on the rock" theme.
The soft algae replaces the rock. Holiness replaces sin. The algae is necessary to the meaning.
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick I haven't heard the second verse, so their may be some rythm problems with that, but I'm guessing you have that sorted out right. The only problem with that I have is the first half doesn't really relate to the second half. It becomes more of a problem when the relationship is assumed by "how much more should I...". If you can write the first half with something that's an example of love, or maybe do something else for the first half, it would work out.
I fixed this up a bit. Upon reading this I realized how confusing it sounded. I've rephrased the last two lines (and edited into the original post)
The Old:
I step into the stream
And feel the soft algae beneath
The smooth rocks and soothing water
Caress my feet
How much more should I
Show your love Lord, to everyone I meet?
So that they are overwhelmed with love
Stuck between You and me
The New:
I step into the stream
And feel the soft algae beneath
The smooth rocks and soothing water
Caress my feet
How much more should I
Show your love Lord, to everyone I meet?
So that I’d be soft algae to their souls
And they’d see You in me
Is that clearer?
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick But overall these are great songs, I like them a lot. And have a great birthday. Thanks, and I did. I appreciate your criticism, and like I said before, stop all that talk about not being a good critic, you were very helpful!
Answer:
Are you saying just change the chord and leave the melody, or totally change the chords and melody? If the melody stays the same, I think the chord is fine. If you are suggesting I just mess around a little with the melody, then I'll mess around with it, but unless I stumble across a really good alternative, I'll probably just leave it.
The melody is good, I like it. To me the first two chords sound cliched. It's probably something like because it reminds me of a cheesey song, or something like that. And if that's it, then it's really not an issue, and it's another comment you can ignore :-P
Are you talking about the same line as the previous comment here? I'm not sure what you mean.
I meant the line of the first verse, I should've made that more clear. As I read the verse again it doesn't bother me as much, but the idea/structure (not sure how to describe it) still rubs me weird, and to me it makes the ryhme seem forced. It's not a big problem though (or possibly not a problem at all).
I really like the change in Underneath your Flow, it pieces the picture and the idea together really well.
Again, congratulations, those are some fine songs you have there.
Answer:
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick The melody is good, I like it. To me the first two chords sound cliched. It's probably something like because it reminds me of a cheesey song, or something like that. And if that's it, then it's really not an issue, and it's another comment you can ignore :-P
I agree it's kinda average and stereotypical sounding, but I think in this case I won't worry about it, cuz I can't come up with anything that fits it and doesn't sound wierd.
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick I meant the line of the first verse, I should've made that more clear. As I read the verse again it doesn't bother me as much, but the idea/structure (not sure how to describe it) still rubs me weird, and to me it makes the ryhme seem forced. It's not a big problem though (or possibly not a problem at all).
I see what you mean. I think the big transition word from the 1st verse to the chorus is actually the "but" in the chorus. Although this leaves the transition a little foggy, I think it works.
Originally Posted by HeavenOnAStick I really like the change in Underneath your Flow, it pieces the picture and the idea together really well.
Again, congratulations, those are some fine songs you have there.
Thanks, and thanks again for your comments.
Answer:
Hey, I got a new one. As before, I've attached a rough recording. As always, please feel free to tear it to pieces:
Perfect For Me
Verse 1:
I once knew a man who had a crazy wife
She was always causing some sort of strife
Yet he stayed with her his whole life
I just didn’t get why
I said, “Sir would you please explain to me,
Is there something I don’t see?”
He said, “As flawed as she may be,
She’s perfect for me.”
Verse 2;
Somewhere out there there’s a girl for me
She’s as full of flaws as a person can be
One of her habits is my pet peeve
It’ll make we wanna scream
But once we finally meet,
I’ll never leave
As flawed as she may be,
She’s perfect for me.
Verse 3:
We’re the church, the bride of Christ
The marriage price was his own life
He came and died
To give us new life
Our groom, Lord, and king,
He made His decree
“As flawed she may be,
I’ve made her perfect in me.”
Answer:
anybody?
Answer:
Originally Posted by legionbenji anybody? I'll take a crack at it....
I once knew a man who had a crazy wife
She was always causing some sort of strife
Yet he stayed with her his whole life
I just didn’t get why
I said, “Sir would you please explain to me,
Is there something I don’t see?”
He said, “As flawed as she may be,
She’s perfect for me.” A word of caution: the wife/strife/life rhyme is one of the top 10 most dangerous cliches of the struggling songwriter. Other than that, this verse is pretty straight forward.
Somewhere out there there’s a girl for me
She’s as full of flaws as a person can be
One of her habits is my pet peeve
It’ll make we wanna scream
But once we finally meet,
I’ll never leave
As flawed as she may be,
She’s perfect for me. This verse is much better, it avoids being as cliche as the first one. Did you intend for every line to rhyme or is that just how this verse came out?
We’re the church, the bride of Christ
The marriage price was his own life
He came and died
To give us new life
Our groom, Lord, and king,
He made His decree
“As flawed she may be,
I’ve made her perfect in me.” I'm not really fond of using "life" twice in the same rhyme scheme, but this verse is still okay.
I like the message you're trying to convey about loving others like Christ loves us by seeing past our imperfections. But to be honest, this song just seems really generic to me. I think that you could be using more specific examples in your verses to flesh out the lyrics some more. It's a great foundation though, and I look forward to reading your future work.
By the way I enjoyed the recording, nice guitar playing!
Answer:
Alright, I fixed the specific issues in terms of clichedness (I'm not so sure about the pain and complain rhyme, but it's better than life and strife). Here is the song now, with the changed lines in bold:
I once knew a man whose wife was a pain
It seems all she ever did was complain
Yet he never left her all his days
I don’t know why he stayed
I said, “Sir would you please explain to me,
Is there something I don’t see?”
He said, “As flawed as she may be,
She’s perfect for me.”
Somewhere out there there’s a girl for me
She’s as full of flaws as a person can be
One of her habits is my pet peeve
It’ll make we wanna scream
But once we finally meet,
I’ll never leave
As flawed as she may be,
She’s perfect for me.
We’re the church, the bride of Christ
But we just can’t seem to get things right
Our Groom loves us in spite
I’m not quite sure why
When I looked at His Word to see
I read His decree
It said “As flawed she may be,
I’ve made her perfect in me.”
Answer:
The first verse looks great now, I think the pain/complain rhyme will work pretty well, but that will mostly depend on your vocal delivery.
The line "our groom loves us in spite" is throwing me off some. Mainly because it's a fragment that you just leave haning out there.
The song's coming along though, keep up the good work!
Answer:
Ok, yeah the in spite sounds kinda wierd. I'll change that to "despite our blight", making the last verse look like this:
We’re the church, the bride of Christ
But we just can’t seem to get things right
Our Groom loves us despite our blight
I’m not quite sure why
When I looked at His Word to see
I read His decree
It said “As flawed she may be,
I’ve made her perfect in me.”
Thanks for the criticism, it's been helpful.